I was unemployed for a year when we started dating. My boyfriend did very well and supported me through it all. He gave me a monthly stipend without complaining and stayed with me when many companies said no to me after interviews. He kept reminding me not to worry because my time would come. One day, my time actually arrived, and I got a job.

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I thought I was happy, but my boyfriend proved that he was happier than I was. He went ahead to throw a small party for me. He called it a “liberation from unemployment” party. I looked at his happy face that day and thought, this is the man I will marry.

I started as a personal assistant. Nothing fancy, just answering calls, fixing schedules, and making sure my boss’s day ran smoothly. But I was diligent. The pay wasn’t much, but I was determined to make a mark and stay on the right side of my boss at all times. A year after working with him, the admin resigned, and he asked me to take up the role in addition to the personal assistant role. I didn’t complain. I delivered each time I was required to.

Two years later, my boss doesn’t just see me as staff. He trusts me, the kind of trust that makes him leave me in charge of his business when he’s not in the country. He calls me often, sometimes late, to ask about clients, decisions, and things that matter. I earned that position through hard work. It didn’t come on a platter, and my boyfriend knew all of this. He watched me grow into my position. He was proud of me and even predicted I would go higher than I was.

One evening around 7 p.m., we were together when my phone rang. It was my boss. His mood wasn’t right. It was about a client we had been handling; he needed clarification about how far we had reached with the client. We talked until the weight in his mood lifted. He realized he had nothing to fear, so he started making jokes about the client. I laughed, and he laughed too. He even asked me what he should get me when coming to Ghana, and I said anything on his heart.

When I hung up, I noticed the look on my boyfriend’s face. It wasn’t anger, but it wasn’t happiness either. He asked, “Why were you laughing like that with your boss?” I didn’t understand the question. “Like what?” I asked.

“Like you two have something intimate going on,” he answered. “And why is he buying something for you? You work for him, so why all that freedom with him?”

From that day, he started watching me differently. He asked questions that didn’t exist before. He said he wasn’t comfortable with the way I related with my boss, that he’s a man and knows what another man is capable of the moment laughter enters the conversation, and that I should be careful.

“Careful of what?” I asked.

Anytime I was with him and a call came through, he asked if it was my boss calling. One evening, he called me, and it was call waiting. He concluded that I was on the phone with my boss. I told him it was my mother. He said, “Send me a screenshot. I know the time you two talked, so you better not lie.” I sent him a screenshot. He said I had intentionally saved my boss’s number as “Mom,” so he wanted to see the number instead of the name. I screenshotted the number and sent it to him before he left me alone. When I complained, he said, “I’m protecting my own.”

One holiday, my boss called. My boyfriend was with me, and because I didn’t want him to doubt anything, I put the phone on speaker. He heard everything my boss said and how straightforward the conversation was. My boss has this thing in him, no matter what he talks to you about, he wants you to laugh before the conversation ends. So he said something funny. Before I laughed, I looked at my boyfriend’s face. He didn’t look pleased, so I swallowed the laughter. Immediately I hung up, he said, “No, you have to resign. I’m not comfortable with the way you two behave on the phone.”

At first, I thought he was joking. We had plans. He had already performed the knocking rite, and our wedding was set for June. We were supposed to begin church counseling the following week. He canceled it. He said, “Let’s set everything aside until the right thing is done. No wedding until I get you out of that place.”

Again, I thought it was temporary anger and that, with time, he would snap out of it. Nothing changed. We debated about it until one evening, he sat me down and said it plainly, like a man giving direction. “If we are going to marry, you need to leave that job. Find something else. I don’t want issues in our marriage because of your boss.”

I looked at him, trying to recognize the man I thought I knew, the man who supported me when I had nothing, the same man who celebrated this job when it came my way.

I didn’t do anything wrong with my boss. I didn’t cross any line, and I never said anything inappropriate the two times he saw me talking to him. All I did was laugh. All my boss did was be himself. What is wrong with a boss cracking a joke to make a conversation less tense?

I told him I wasn’t going to resign. I said it calmly and made sure he could hear me clearly. I said, “I’m not going to resign for just doing my job, and I’m not going to leave my job because you feel uncomfortable.”

He said I should trust his leadership, that he’s a man and understands how men think, and that he’s protecting our future. I’m not desperate for marriage, and he knows it. I know how I suffered before I got this job. I won’t die here. I know one day I may get a better offer and leave this job, but it’s not today, and it’s not going to be because my boyfriend wants me to. I’ve made it clear to him.

He hasn’t given me any reason apart from the fact that he’s protecting me. But what kind of protection asks me to destroy what I’ve built with my own hands? What kind of love demands that I shrink so it can feel secure? I told my pastor about it when he asked why we didn’t attend counseling. He called the two of us and advised us not to start life under a cloud of doubt. I thought that would change his mind, but it didn’t.

Since that conversation, there has been a quiet tension between us. He hasn’t changed his stance. I haven’t changed mine. Now the wedding we were planning feels like a question mark hanging over my head. Sometimes I think about everything and ask myself, “If I give this up for him today, what will he ask me to give up tomorrow?”

It’s Not God’s Law For A Man To Apologize To A Woman

Obviously, the wedding isn’t happening in June, and that’s fine. But when June comes and we are still where we are, I will advise myself. He has helped me a lot, and I appreciate that, but this won’t help me, and I’m selfish enough to choose what’s good for me over what he thinks is good for me.

—Linda 

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