I have been dating Yaw for the past three years. We met when we were both in university. I schooled in Accra while he schooled in Kumasi so our relationship was a long-distance one. Though it was difficult for us to be apart, we found ways to make it work. One of the things we did was that I spent a few weeks at his house during vacations. At first, I was shy to live with him because he lived with his mother. But as time went on, I got used to it. One thing I liked about our arrangement was how I got to know Yaw in a way I wouldn’t have if we never lived together. I got to know the parts of him I could live with forever, and I also got to know the parts of him that would pose problems for me in the future.

For instance, anytime I visited him and we had to buy something, he would send his mother to go and buy it. The first time it happened, I expected his mother to rebuke him for such disrespect. But she seemed okay with running errands for him. This made me so uncomfortable. Because I wasn’t raised that way. I can even imagine the insults or slaps I’ll receive if I dare tell my mother; “Mama let me send you to the store.” I remember talking to Yaw about my discomfort, “I don’t like it when you send your mother on errands. Next time you want to buy something, we can just go and get it ourselves.” He told me, “Oh that’s how my mum and I are, but if you have a problem with it then I won’t do it when you are here.” True to his words, he stopped doing it. Instead of sending her, he sent some kids in his neighbourhood. I wasn’t happy about that either but I accepted the compromise. 

Another thing I noticed about him is his attitude toward house chores. He was raised to believe that a woman’s place is in the kitchen. I on the other hand was raised to believe that chores are for both genders. In my home, my father does most of the cooking. I can even count the number of times my mother cooked our meals. Everybody pitches in with the laundry and cleaning. Things are not like that in Yaw’s house. When I visit him, he would ask me to help him with his laundry. The moment I agree to help, he would sit somewhere and watch me do it all alone. If I ask him to help me in the kitchen, he would just hang around the kitchen and smile at his phone till I finish doing everything by myself. After cooking too, he would expect me to serve him. That’s not something we do in my house but I noticed that his mother serves him. So I also do it for him. 

I understand that we were raised differently and I am willing to make some compromises to help our relationship work. What I don’t get is how Yaw refuses to bend even slightly in my direction. One time I visited him and he asked me to cook for him. I refused, “Yaw you know how to cook so go to the kitchen and cook for yourself.” Right there and then he called out to his mother. When she came he said, “Ma, I’m hungry. What can you cook for me?” The woman quickly went to the kitchen and got to work. Another time, he asked me to cook for him again and I refused so he asked his mother to do it again. So now I understand that his mother is ever ready to tend to his needs if I don’t. That’s what I find weird about their relationship. Yaw is a full-grown man who has completed university yet his mother treats him like a two-year-old. 

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I also noticed that he tells his mother everything. By everything, I mean details of our relationship. He even tells her about our plans for the future. Sometimes we would agree to do something and Yaw would change his mind all of a sudden. “We agreed on this yesterday so what changed?” I’d ask. “I discussed it with my mother and she said it’s not a good idea.” I always felt hurt when he says that. It made me feel like I am the third wheel in my own relationship. Whenever we got into fights, Yaw would tell his mother about it. This helps him decide whether or not he should apologize to me. 

There was a time I complained repeatedly about his behaviour until he promised to change. And he changed but it was only for a few days so that I would stop nagging him. I know that years of conditioning cannot be unlearned overnight so I try to be patient with him. 

I am willing to compromise on the house chores and the gender roles. But what I cannot understand is his relationship with his mother. He still sends her on errands. These days whenever he does that I tell him to stop. His defence is, “I am tired so I can’t go.” Sometimes too he would say, “It’s too sunny so I don’t want to go out.” All his excuses don’t make sense to me. How can a young man send his old mother out in the scorching sun to buy things for him? And also,  the fact that his mother is firmly planted in our relationship bothers me.

Lately, we’ve been discussing our plans for marriage but I am not excited about it. I am concerned that he is going to leave me to do all the chores in our marital home. Or worse, he would ask his mother to live with us so that she can continue to do everything for him. I want to believe that he will change but from what I’ve seen so far, I don’t think that’s going to happen. 

Right now I am wondering if I should just count my losses and leave the relationship.

—Nancy

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