On our second date, he asked when I would visit his mom. I was lost, thinking why I needed to visit his mom. He told me his mom wanted to see me because he’d said a lot about me to her. We had known each other for years as friends. The friendship got intense many months ago. I was expecting him to propose but he never did, so when he talked about his mom I was lost.
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I said, “Whenever you want me to meet her, I’m ready but I’m going to meet her as what?”
He never answered that question. He only told me time would tell.
One Saturday morning, we met and he took me to meet his mom. A frail-looking woman in her sixties. She showed her teeth when we shook hands. “So you’re Afia. I’ve heard a lot about you. Welcome home.”
She talked about her son to me as if I didn’t know him. “He’s my first and also the last born so my eyes are on him,” she told me. “You need to take good care of him for me.” I smiled and told her I would do my best. I was still asking myself who I was to him. When we left, he told me he needed his mom’s approval of me before anything so he could proceed to tell me how he felt about me.
He proposed. He said he wanted me in his life because I was the best thing to happen to him. I didn’t drag it. I was already expecting the proposal to happen so I said yes.
His dad died years ago and left them a big house where he lived with his mom. I didn’t have a problem with that because the woman loved me.
On weekends, I would help clean the house with him and cook for the household. When I had to wash for him, I had to wash his mom’s clothes too. From the start I was doing it with him but as the relationship progressed, he left me to do it alone. His mom dictated everything. I wanted to spend the night there one time. He told me his mom had to approve it so he was going to ask her. I stopped him and left for my house that evening.
Not long afterwards, I was leaving when his mom told me, “Why don’t you sleep and go tomorrow? It’s very late.” For the first time in almost a year of relationship, I spent the night there.
I liked him and liked the way he loved me. He put me first. I was his everything aside from his mom. He talked about marriage as if it was going to happen the next day but I didn’t like how he put it. “My mom wants us to marry as soon as possible,” he would say. Then I would ask him, “Your mom? What about you? Don’t you want to marry as soon as possible?” He would answer, “You know what my mom says is the truth.”
That’s the problem I had with our relationship. He didn’t have a say until his mom said it. The only thing he did without consulting his mom was sex. He knew his way around it without his mom holding the torch for him to find his way.
I asked questions, questions I felt touched the core of our relationship. “Where are we going to live when we get married?” I asked him. He answered, “Where else apart from here?” Pointing at his house, “We already have a big house here. We won’t struggle for a place to live.”
I didn’t have a problem with that until he mentioned something about me taking care of his mom. As in, it would be easier for me to take care of his mom when we live with her. He didn’t see anything wrong with that but I drew his attention to what was wrong. “Are you marrying me for your mom? Or you’re marrying me because you need a woman in your life?”
His answer threw light into the darkest place I didn’t know existed in our relationship. It’s what I’m thinking about now. I have to think deeply about it before I make a move.
Don’t get me wrong, I like his mother. The woman treats me very well and I don’t think I would have a problem if she becomes my in-law. I’m already playing the role: cooking, cleaning and washing and running errands for her. They are alone so naturally I’m required to help but the idea that it’s my responsibility every day to take care of his mom is what makes me scared.
I want to marry a man I can enjoy marriage with, especially right from the start. A man I can travel with, go to places without rushing back home because there’s a mother to nurse. I want to help his mom but not be responsible for her. Once his mom becomes a role in my marriage, there’s nothing I can do for our marriage without considering her first.
So I asked if he had considered hiring a caretaker for his mom. He answered, “A caretaker when I live with my wife? My mom doesn’t like people she doesn’t know in her space. It’s the reason I brought you home for her to approve of you first.”
I was like, “Oh I see. I didn’t know that.”
I told him the truth right there and then. That I don’t want the foundation he was laying for our union. The fact I had to be responsible for his mom when I marry him.
He ranted for several minutes defending his stance. At one point I was confused. He sounded like it was his mom speaking through him. Everything was about his mom but nothing was about himself or me. After everything, I asked him, “So what do we do? I don’t like your stance. You don’t like my stance. What do we do?” He answered, “This is not a problem. We’ll resolve it.”
I have my parents in the house. I’m the only woman among three men. My brothers are married and have left home. I’ve also left home so I can be in control of my life but here I am going to be controlled by a man’s mother. I’ve stopped visiting. No, I’m not angry but it’s important to me that we find a solution to this issue before we progress.
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I like the fact that he’s thinking of marriage but the conditions have to favor the two of us first before we think about parents. We’ll have children to take care of. When that time comes and his mom is still around, how do I cope? Take care of children and his mom? The future to me is long and demanding so we don’t have to add more troubles. Or am I being selfish?
—Afia
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You’re not being selfish at all, the fact that you’re HIS wife to be not HIS mom’s makes everything between you two no third party included, mummy’s boys are always like that, buh what I can say is that before you get married first make sure that he’s out of the mom’s place otherwise you’ll be a wife n caretaker n you won’t have a say, and the time you’ll speak for yourself when you’re married it’ll be taken as disrespect, yes he loves his mom buh there’s a reason as to why we all leave parents home n build our own homes
You aren’t wrong my dear, don’t start what you know you can’t finish because it will be very difficult when she becomes weak and I don’t know if I’m to use the word “babysitting”, you start babysitting her together with your kids.
And a man who can’t take decisions on his own doesn’t worth the risk dear.