I met Ken when my daughter was only two years old. My daughter had strayed off in church while the preaching was going on and Ken had caught her in the middle somewhere so she wouldn’t keep going. While I was busy listening, my daughter would appear and disappear again. When she disappeared, she went to Ken and then she would come back. I saw her with him and thought she was bothering him but he signaled it was alright.

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After church we talked. He called my daughter lovely and friendly. I thanked him for tolerating her. We talked for a while and exchanged numbers. We didn’t talk on the phone until we met again in church two weeks later. My daughter repeated those disappearing acts. She would go to him and then run back to me. After church, the conversation got longer. On the phone, the conversation got personal. When we met again, it was on a date.

He proposed not long afterwards but I asked him to give me time to think about it. I wasn’t actually thinking about anything. I wanted to buy us some time so he would know what he’s getting himself into and I’ll also know who he truly is outside the church facade. For the next three months, we met often. I asked questions that liberated all the questions trapped in him.

He wanted to know why I didn’t marry my daughter’s father. My daughter’s father wanted to marry me but my dad said no. He didn’t like his tribe. That aside, he already had two children with two different women. My dad thought it was too much and warned me to stay away. He told me that was how my baby daddy’s tribe people behaved. After me, he would impregnate another woman and bring the children home. There would be no money in the house because he would be out there taking care of other children and women.

I didn’t see my baby daddy in that light. He treated me very well but my dad said, “Go and ask those two women he has children with if he didn’t treat them well when they were new.”

My dad simply wasn’t going to allow the marriage to happen. When I told my baby daddy, he didn’t even try to convince my dad that he was different. He only threw in the towel and told me he couldn’t force himself into a marriage my dad wouldn’t agree to.

I told Ken this story. I went deeper than I’ve shared here but he made jokes and said, “Introduce me to your dad tomorrow let’s see if he would accept me so we don’t waste time.”

He asked how involved my baby daddy was in the girl’s life. “He sends money for everything my girl needs,” I responded. “He’s there not for me but for his daughter. I only have to call him.”

When I realized the marriage wasn’t happening, I made an agreement with him and decided on how the two of us were going to raise the child. He agreed he would pay my rent and also provide the financial needs of the girl. Once that was agreed on, we drew boundaries between us. I put my emotions in a cage and he also put his on a leash.

He needn’t come to my house. Whenever he wanted to see his daughter, I met him halfway or we would meet in town and he would pick her up. I narrated these arrangements to Ken so he would know how deep everything goes. It took me three months to finally say yes to his proposal. And within those months, I ensured all his questions were answered and we both had an understanding of each other.

When we started dating, he insisted on seeing my dad so I took him home when our relationship was barely a child. My dad retold the story of my baby daddy and asked Ken, “I hope she has told you all this?”

My dad wanted to be sure I wasn’t hiding anything from him because he liked him and wanted our relationship to work.

When my daughter was starting school, it was my baby daddy who selected the school but because I wanted to appease Ken, when the time came for her to start school, I went to the school together with Ken so he would know where my daughter was and also become part of the process.

When I had to meet my baby daddy for any reason, I found ways and means to inform Ken about it. I didn’t meet him often but the few times that I had to, Ken was aware. I made him part of my life. I sat him in the front row so he would see and judge how well I was living my life. I didn’t want him to have the impression some men have about women with a child or children, that they always run back to their baby daddy.

Two years later, Ken wants to marry me. I should have been happy, in fact, I was very happy until he started dishing out rules concerning me, my daughter and the relationship between us and my daughter’s father. First he said, “You have to break every link between you and him. Treat him like he doesn’t exist.”

I responded, “That’s exactly how I treat him. He doesn’t exist for me but for his daughter.” He said no. He wants no contact at all between us and him. “So how would he take care of his daughter then?”

He answered, “When we marry, she becomes my daughter too. I’ll take care of everything. I wouldn’t want any distraction from him. I want a family that flows ceaselessly so siblings can connect seamlessly without saying this one belongs here and this one doesn’t.”

As if this wasn’t enough, Ken is asking me to change my number and make sure my baby daddy doesn’t have the new number. He doesn’t want him calling me once I become his wife. I said, “Ken, aren’t these too extreme? Is it me you don’t trust or do you wish I didn’t have the past I have?”

His answer was, “I’m protecting what’s mine and guarding my territory.”

“This won’t work,” I was honest with him. “This will bring more chaos than you seek to avoid. I know him, he will fight back if I build defenses and that will mess up the peace of our marriage.”

He has spoken to my dad about it. My dad called asking what I think and I told him it wouldn’t work. “So you would let him go?” He asked me. I answered, “If he wouldn’t change his stand, then I don’t have any choice.” He told me to resolve it in a way that wouldn’t destroy our relationship but what’s the way?

Currently, Ken wants to speak to my baby daddy directly and lay down these rules to him. I laughed because I know how it will end. Chaos. And I’ll be the one to suffer when this whirlwind begins to blow. At worst, my baby daddy will tell me to bring his daughter to him which I won’t. Even if I do, I’ll be the one calling him to ask how my daughter is doing. I’ll be the one to visit to see my daughter. So I told him he can’t talk to my baby daddy.

He’s not changing his stand, yet he wouldn’t let me go. The way things are going, it looks like he’s trying to get me pregnant so I wouldn’t have any option but stay with him. He doesn’t use protection but still wouldn’t withdraw. He’s asking about my menses every now and then hoping I’ll say it hasn’t come.

Three Months After Our Breakup, He Got Married

Why can’t we find love without the trouble? Why can’t Ken love me deeply enough to blur all other things around me?

My dad has left me to decide. My friends think it’s a bad move to marry Ken. What do you also say? What should I do to make him understand?

—Phillipa

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