Two years ago, in August 2024, a friend introduced me to one of her friends. We met while I was on a trip abroad. She told me, “You two will make an amazing couple. Text him. I will make sure he texts you too.”

The first day he and I spoke, there was an instant spark. That night he tried to tell me everything about himself. It turned into a very long conversation, but it was good. For the first time in two years, I felt a real connection with a man.

He is 15 years older than me. He is divorced and has an 11-year-old son he loves deeply. I did my research on him, and no one had anything bad to say. Even his most recent ex girlfriend described him as an amazing man. She said she left only because he was not romantic enough. I did not stop there. I even managed to get hold of his divorce papers. Everything he had told me was true. Through all this time, he has never badmouthed his ex-wife to me, but the divorce documents showed some very painful things she had done, even though she was the one who filed.

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He is always talking about the future with me in it. He talks about us long-term, about his child, and about us becoming a family. The way he imagines us together feels real. He is always apologising to me, but most of all, I notice how he handles my anger when I have an outburst. He makes me feel calm. He never reacts in the moment. He waits until I am calm and then we talk about it.

He has introduced me to his businesses, his partners, his friends, and some of his family members. I even started helping him revamp parts of his business with new ideas. Because of this, he is now close to making very big money.

However, there are things I have noticed, and I do not know if I am overthinking them or if they are real red flags.

One major issue is his relationship with his ex-girlfriends. Since one of them discovered he was serious with me, she has been putting pressure on him to come back. The pressure has become so much that it is now affecting our relationship. He is very cordial with all his exes. He can spend hours on calls with them, and this happens often. Even the ones who seem uninterested, he still tries to maintain a relationship with them.

Before we officially started dating, I once checked his phone and saw that one of his exes used to send him nudes occasionally. He would even ask her which style she preferred, even though they had not met physically in over a year. Now, whenever he goes out and takes pictures, he sends them not only to me but also to this same ex who is currently trying to come back into his life. Their calls are almost as frequent as ours.

One time, she even visited him when he traveled to come see me. When I confronted him, he denied it until I showed him evidence. He apologized, but she is still very present.

Some weeks ago, she made a TikTok video expressing how much she loves him. He sent the video to me, and I jokingly teased him about it. I asked him to block her, but he refused. He says he is having fun with it and that when she gets tired, she will leave. But I know women. I am one. We do not leave until it is done and dusted.

He tells me everything that happens between them, and when I check his phone, it usually matches what he says. Still, I am uncomfortable with this game going on. He even posted that love video on his WhatsApp status. I became very upset, and he deleted it immediately. He later told me I was overreacting because I already knew about the video.

Another issue is financial support. He has never really given me gifts or sent me money. The only time he spends on me is when we visit each other and we have sex. He takes me out to nice places, pays for things, and gives me double my transport fare plus a small pocket amount. Recently, he told our mutual friend that he knows he is not yet financially responsible toward me and that it is affecting our relationship. He said he is working toward that, but he asked her not to tell me. When I told him my business needed funding. He then gave me one of his projects that could generate about ten thousand dollars, with a profit of around three thousand. He said when it materialized, we would share the profit and I could use my part to grow my business. I was very grateful. But until now, that project has not started.

On Valentine’s Day, I spent a good amount of money to make the day special for him even though we stay far from each other. . He only replied with “Nice one, babe.” He did not send a heartfelt message even after I asked. He gave no gift, nothing. When I got upset, he said I was overreacting because I knew he did not have much money at the moment. Yet that same day, he took his son out and spent heavily. He also spends a lot on fuel for his car every week.

I am not asking him to take care of me financially. I take care of myself. I just want to feel that he can look out for me in small ways. Sometimes when I tell him I do not have mobile data or call credit, he simply says, “Okay, sorry,” without doing anything. Meanwhile, he will go ahead and call his ex who has data. I have bought mobile data for him and his son several times.

There was also a time I was stuck on a long journey for three days. When he called and asked if I had eaten, I said no because I did not have enough money on me. He simply said, “Oh, sorry about that.” That moment broke my heart.

Because of all this, I started withdrawing emotionally. The relationship stopped feeling fulfilling. My love language is words of affirmation, and I have told him this many times. Still, he rarely says anything positive to me. Instead, he often makes negative comments that affect my self esteem and mental health.

He has started putting in more effort since I have started pulling away. But I know he is talking to his ex, I know they talk more often now. He also changed my contact name on his phone from “Babe” to my full name. When I confronted him, he said he wanted us to start from a clean slate. He also told me, “You have invested so much in such a short time. Do you want another woman to reap your harvest? Stay and take what is yours.”

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Recently, he met a very young girl when he last visited me. He told me about her and said she helped him with some research work. Last week, I saw that he had sent her his home address, and she had sent him her account number. When I asked why, he begged me not to press the issue. He said we should focus on fixing our relationship instead.

He is saying he wants us to start fresh and that he will do better. But I am scared. I do not want to break my own heart or waste his time. This relationship is only three months old, yet it has already affected me mentally. I have become bitter, resentful, and even disrespectful toward him.

I truly do not know what to do.

 

—Gladys

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