My boyfriend is dating a not so single woman. I mean, a woman who is very much committed. I know because after a lot of nagging, he willingly gave me his phone. I have always had a theory: if you have nothing to hide, then why are there so many passwords on your phone and why do I not have access to them?

So I took the phone and typed the words “love you” in the search bar. I stared at what came up. Countless women. Different names. Some he had saved as “old battery.” When I asked him, he said he was just being naughty. No need for me to wreck my head over it. He said some of them are married women he sees as flirtatious and enjoys the playful back and forth. Women who send nonsensical messages and he sends them right back. Just jokes, he said.

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But one particular number stood out to me. So I took my time to read the thread of messages between the two.

Here is what I now know. She is almost married to some man, but they are not genetically compatible, or so it seems. My boyfriend was suggesting to her to either leave her fiancé for him so they could have children together. He said he would take good care of her, especially since she is of a very high standard. In most of the messages, he added a laughing emoji or wrote “lol.” Later, when I confronted him, he claimed he was just kidding.

I was very uncomfortable. The emoji and the “lol” make it hard to tell. His flirtatious behavior blurs the line between jokes and real intentions.

After that incident, I found another opportunity to read his messages again. This time around, he was openly flirtatious. Appreciating her slim figure. Explicitly saying how easy it would be for him to do it from the back because of her backload. What disturbed me even more was that this was the exact same phrase he often uses with me.

This time, there were no playful disclaimers in the chat. It felt serious.

He insisted the woman is married and claimed he has no romantic interest in her. According to him, this is just his usual naughty joking. He argued that even when she was single in the past, he never dated or slept with her. So why would he try now that she is married?

Still, I cannot shake my unease.

How am I supposed to know when he is joking and when he is serious? What if the women he flirts with are not in happy marriages and eventually decide to flirt back? What exactly is he hoping to achieve by continuously sending explicit messages to married women?

I also questioned whether he ever considered how these messages could affect the husbands of these women.

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Given that my boyfriend is quite active, the idea of him traveling to Ghana this December makes me even more anxious. His behaviour has severely damaged my trust. I am beginning to wonder how we can move forward when his actions consistently affect the foundation of our relationship.

What do you all think?

—Dawhenya

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