From what I saw growing up, my parents didn’t have a good marriage. This affected my perception of marriages. I didn’t think they were necessarily bad, and I didn’t think they were something to aspire for either. So when girls my age were dreaming about their beautiful wedding day and their perfect husband, I didn’t care about any of it; “Maybe one day I will get married. Maybe I won’t. I am fine with whatever happens.” 

I grew up one day and found myself facing life as a grown adult. Everything was different, even my perceptions about life and relationships. I entered into a relationship with a guy I was so much in love with. I was convinced he was the one for me so I gave him my all. This made me put up with a lot of toxicity. Even when the relationship became bad for my mental health, I thought I could make it work. I couldn’t. The relationship kept going bad until it eventually ended. The whole thing was wrong and you might think ending it would make me happy. No, it didn’t. I was shattered and determined not to love again. 

I don’t know how this life was structured, but just when you’ve made your plans, something happens to change the trajectory of your best-laid plans. I met Alex through a mutual friend. He was the guy who changed my plans not to love again. I wasn’t interested in him romantically but I was open to being friends with him. 

Three months into our friendship, he sat me down for a heart-to-heart conversation. “These past few months of getting to know you have been wonderful. I don’t want it to end there. I want to know more about you, in a way that is beyond friendship. I have fallen in love with you and I want a chance to show you how much I love you.” 

As I indicated earlier, I didn’t have any feelings for him but I thought, “Hmmm, he is a great guy. Let me give him a chance and see what he can do.” I said yes to his proposal. My plan not to love again backfired right in my face. I could see the universe at the corner, laughing at me; “Were you not the one who said you’ll never love again? What happened? Hahaha.” It didn’t bother me. Love is a good thing after all.  

Alex did his best to be the perfect boyfriend but I was sceptical about the relationship. I judged him through the lens of my past and withheld my heart from him. But he patiently wooed me. He made me laugh a lot. That was one of the things that I liked about him. I loved his intelligence too. I also loved his passion and dedication to work. 

As time went on our relationship gained the envy of Alex’s friends. One of them commented; “It looks like you two have cast love spells on each other. Because the kind of love you share is otherworldly.” That was when it dawned on me that I had fallen in love with Alex. I didn’t know how or when it happened but I am glad it did. He is my dream man come to life and I feel blessed to have him. I had a bad temper when we started dating but he helped me to work on it. True to his promise, he showed me just how much he loves me, in the best way he could. And I learned everything I didn’t know about love from him. Alex and I are like two pieces of a puzzle. We couldn’t have belonged anywhere else apart from each other.

I remember when he told one of his elder brothers that he wanted to marry me. His brother said to me, “One thing I admire about your relationship with my brother is the way you communicate with each other. It’s a good thing the way you two talk even when you are apart. Don’t ever let that change.” That’s advice that has stayed with us to this point. When we started planning our future together, we talked about the type of faith we want to raise our kids in. Alex was catholic while I belong to a charismatic denomination. His church didn’t want to allow him to marry me, because of their doctrines.  And we didn’t want to raise our children based on denominational doctrines. So we agreed to get married in his church, and then we would attend my church as a family. 

People didn’t understand us when we announced that we were getting married at Alex’s church. It wasn’t the norm. And they questioned us more after we got married and started attending my church. It wasn’t the norm either. Usually, the man marries the woman in her church and takes her to his church after the wedding. My husband and I did a reverse of that. He got baptized in my church and currently serves in a church group. 

When we were newlyweds, everyone tried to advise us on how to handle our marriage. What they didn’t know is that we both had come to an understanding that; “No two relationships are the same. We come from different backgrounds and we have different belief systems. Something that works for one couple may not work for us.” At the end of the day we do what is best for us, and not necessarily what the experts think we should do.

 I am not saying that our marriage is perfect, it is not. We argue as most couples do. What we do in these situations is to talk about things and deal with the root of the problem. We have perfected this practice over the years and now we do it effortlessly. The surprising thing is, that people outside our marriage don’t believe us when we tell them we argue. They think all we do is smile at each other from dawn to dusk. But we’ve dealt with a lot of drama. There was a time I was insecure about my husband’s relationships with some of his female friends. I felt they unusually liked him. We fought many times about these girls but he constantly reassured me that I was the only woman in his life. It got to a point I realized that I had nothing to worry about so I let it go. 

We have had to set certain boundaries with some of our family and friends so that we can have a peaceful and happy home. 

Alex was raised in a traditional home with defined gender roles like, “girls belong in the kitchen” and “men only ought to provide for the home”. Because of this, he didn’t know how to cook. The only thing he could do was boil water for tea. So I never expected him to lift a finger to help me in the house. To my surprise, he cooked for me on our first Val’s day as a married couple. The food was delicious too. Apparently, he pays attention whenever I am cooking. Initially, he wasn’t on board with the idea of doing chores but now he sweeps, and cleans, does other stuff around the house. This is a man who was conditioned to accept that cooking and house chores were women’s roles. Seeing him break out of that belief system assures me that he truly is the man for me.

He works as an electrical engineer on a ship. Sometimes he goes away to sea for three months. The long distance hasn’t put a strain on our relationship. Instead, every time he returns home feels like a honeymoon. We have lots of fun travelling, going out on dates, and doing movie nights. It always feels as if we are a new couple falling in love for the first time.  

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When I had our first son he was helpful. When I woke up in the night to breastfeed the child, he would wake up with me. After the baby finished feeding, he would take him into his arms and urge me to go back to sleep. It took off some of the stress involved with having a newborn.

Unfortunately during the birth of our second child, he was away at work. And I had to do it alone but he did everything possible to make me comfortable. 

Now and then we sit down to assess our marriage. We talk about our growth. We discuss the things that aren’t working and how we can make them work. We discuss our finances and future plans. A lot of the things we are able to accomplish are the results of sacrifices from both of us. Sometimes I read stories about marriages and the terrible things people are experiencing. This makes people see marriage in a negative light and I am wondering why people don’t share the good things too. I know that marriages are not perfect but I have seen some wonderful ones out there. I encourage people who have good experiences to share their stories to inspire others. 

My husband and I have been together for seven years now and I have absolutely no regrets about marrying him.

I pray and have faith that our marriage shall continue like this in the future and forever.

–Nkem

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