I started life very early and started making strides in life immediately after my national service. My father died and left me a poultry farm that was making enough to cater for me and the rest of the family. My dream wasn’t about working on the poultry farm so even when I was busily managing the affairs of the farm, I was also in the job market looking for a job. A few months after my national service, I got a job with one of the reputable engineering companies in Ghana. I was barely twenty-seven years old but life was good. I’m not a guy who was into women. I was in school when a woman showed me colours so I advised myself to stay off women until I’m very sure of my emotions. 

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Along the line, a married couple came to live next to our house. I saw the man first before the woman joined later. A very calm and respectable young man—I’m not sure of his age but he should be in his forties. He passed in front of our house every day and greeted whoever was there. One day, he came to the farm and bought from me. That was the first time I spoke to him. He was interested in the work I was doing and wanted to find out more so we spoke for several minutes at the farm. And then his wife started buying from us. She would buy eggs today and come the next day for chicken. Because she was coming often, she became a friend. She even took my number so she would call before coming to the farm.

I don’t know what happened but along the line, the feelings changed. I visited their house when her husband wasn’t around. I helped her with whatever she needed help with. She looked at me differently and I also looked at her differently. One day we kissed. I was scared but she was very ok. I told her, “You think your husband won’t kill us when he finds out?” She answered, “Why would he and how is he going to find out about us?” I don’t remember proposing to her and I don’t recall accepting her proposal. All I remember is one day we kissed and things changed. 

It got to a time her husband was travelling a lot and each time he travelled, I took over, doing husband duties. She would cook for me in the evening and cook breakfast in bed for me when I happened to sleep over. My life was in a different ray of light. I was stealing another man’s wife and didn’t think about the implications. In my mind, she was replacing the girl I didn’t have while not being committed to anyone. It was a good thing for me because nothing was lost and nothing was invested. Each day when I saw the man going by, I felt this guilt in my heart that I couldn’t explain. I would tell myself, “Why am I doing this to such an innocent man?”

But another day would come and I would repeat my mistakes. I didn’t want to get her pregnant so each time we met, I used condoms. She didn’t want it. Sometimes we fought about it but I was relentless. I told her, “Of all the sins I’m ready to commit, I don’t want to be guilty of giving my child to another man to take care of. My spirit would never rest knowing I’d committed such a sin.” She would grudgingly agree with me and we would have a beautiful time together, in the absence of her husband. My mother was picking an intelligence about the affair. I think one early dawn, she saw me coming from the house of the couple and didn’t say anything until in the evening when she asked what I went there to do.

I denied it was me. She was convinced it was me. I told her, “At that time, I was on the farm working.” She warned, “If you have anything to do with her, stop and start praying to God for forgiveness, else, you’ll suffer the consequences here on earth before you die.” I disregarded her advice and went on with my duties unabated.

One day she called me on the phone. She was excited about something. It was in her voice and how fast she spoke. I asked her, “What is making you this happy? She responded, “I’m pregnant. After four years of marriage, I’m finally pregnant!” She was screaming on the phone like a kid who had seen her favourite candy. I asked, “Is your husband aware of it?” She responded, “No, I’m waiting for a while. Just to be sure. It has happened before and we lost it. I don’t want to give him hope and later kill the hope. It will kill him.” So I started getting the picture clearly. She was trying to use me to get pregnant until I insisted on protection.

So the next time we met, we talked about their marriage. It hadn’t been a happy one because of the lack of children. They relocated because of this same issue. When she got pregnant the first time and told her husband, the husband was so elated he started living life differently until they lost the pregnancy. Out of embarrassment, he started looking for a new place to live and that was the reason they came to live in our neighbourhood. I told her, “Then we have to stop what we are doing. You have what you want now. It should fill your heart enough to not want anything else.” She answered, “I’m not with you because of pregnancy. You give more than my husband could ever give. I can’t lose you, never.”

So even when she was pregnant, we continued with the affair. She was already pregnant so there was no need for protection this time. We continued seeing each other until she was about seven months pregnant. When the pregnancy grew more than that, her husband stopped travelling so he could stay home and take care of her. Because of his consistency in the house, I couldn’t see her often until she gave birth. A few months after she gave birth, she told me they had finished building their own house so they were moving into it. It broke my heart but I was happy that she was going away. She would take the temptation away and I would have time to build my own life.

When they left, communication gradually ceased between us. A year later, we were not saying anything to each other. We were complete strangers but that was around the time misfortune started raiding my life. It started from the farm. The chicken started falling sick one after the other. I would go to the farm each morning and see one of them dead. Every poultry farmer had experienced such situations before so I took it as one of those things until it got serious. I invited experts in to check. They gave their opinions on the issue and gave drugs to mix with their food and water but it didn’t change anything. One after the other, they died until we didn’t have any of them left. My mom said the disease was planted on the farm and as such had to be relocated. We did and tried again but nothing changed. 

What was left was my job. I did everything right. I went to work all year round without absenting myself once. Unless I was on leave. I followed the rules to the letter. I was the first at work and the last to close. It was a good thing until one day some materials we were going to use on a contract went missing. I didn’t have a car so it would have been impossible for me to carry these materials away but after their investigations, I was the one they pointed out as the culprit. There were other colleagues who were mentioned, four of them. Those guys went on a one-month suspension without pay but I was sacked. I fought the verdict until I exhausted all my appeals but they said no. 

In a year, I lost a farm and lost my job. Two years later, I was still in the house moving from one interview to another. They’ll tell me I performed well and still not call me. At one time I got a six months contract with a company. I was happy. I was going to use it as a stepping stone to earn a permanent spot in the company. Just when we were about to sign the contract, they changed their mind. They said they no longer needed my service. I had to assess my life and tell myself, “All is not well with me. This can’t be a mere coincidence. There should be something wrong somewhere for me to go through these mishaps.” I started looking for answers.

The first man of God I encountered told me point blank that I’d taken what belongs to someone and until I return it, I would never have my life restored. I told him, “Man of God, all my life I’d never stolen from anyone. I could be anything but not a thief so I don’t remember taking anything from anyone.” He answered, “When I prayed about your issue, that was the feedback I had from God. You can believe it or not but God cannot lie.” I left his presence to another man of God who told me I owe someone an apology. He asked, “Have you ever stolen from someone?” I said no. “Have you ever killed someone?” I answered no. Every question he asked had a no answer until recently it occurred to me that it could be the woman I had an affair with. I told myself, “She belongs to someone, right?”

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I went to the first man of God and confessed to him. He said, “The only way your issue would be resolved is to go and confess to the man and ask for his forgiveness.” I said, “What? The man? You think he’ll take it easy? Don’t you think it would rather destroy the marriage? Pastor, please do something about it.” He said that was the only way out. I went to the second one and did the same confession. He was stunned. He said, “My brother, the only way out is to receive true forgiveness from God. And God can only forgive what had been forgiven down here on earth, so go to the man and ask for forgiveness. If he forgives, you’re forever free. If you want me to go with you, I’m ready.”

Of course, I wasn’t going to do that, knowing the implication. So I’ve been here trying to battle it out on my own. I’ve spoken to the wife of the man. She laughed at me. She said it was in my mind. She even asked me, “Then why am I not suffering too? I did it with you so why am I here?” She sends me money when I need money but that’s not what I want. I want liberation from this guilt so I can live a free life. Some days I want to forget about the consequences and go to the man and confess but I think about it and I stop. I don’t want to be the one who destroyed their beautiful marriage. I don’t want to add that to my portfolio of grave sins. I want to know from you, should I go and confess or there’s another way I can regain total liberation? Please help me.

—Julien

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