My wife thinks I’m cheating on her. I see her trying to sneak around, looking for evidence to back her claim, and I feel sorry for her—sorry that I’m putting her through all this stress when I could just communicate my feelings. But it’s not easy to say what is really bothering me. It’s a sensitive topic. It could crush her, maybe even ruin our marriage, and I’m not ready to take that kind of risk.
She is a very smart, beautiful woman, yet I can’t bring myself to be with her. It’s not her fault, but I can’t take all the blame either.
We are now in the fourth year of our marriage, and everything about my wife has changed. All the things I once admired, her beauty, her figure, the way she dressed, have changed. Nothing is the same. When I look at her now, I see a stranger, a faint shadow of the woman she used to be, and she is only in her thirties
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I have a specific taste. We all do. There’s something I need to see and feel to feel complete as a man that I am. She didn’t exactly have it, but I looked at her and told myself, “You can’t lose a good woman because of one small thing.”
I am attracted to flat stomach. She didn’t have the kind of stomach I was drawn to, a flat one with abs that I could just easily fold my hands around, but she was amazing, and it didn’t make sense to let her slip through my fingers. I even convinced myself that maybe after childbirth, things would somehow fall into place.
We have our rainbow baby now, a beautiful baby girl, after losing a set of twins in our first pregnancy. They were almost in their third trimester when we lost them one hot afternoon. That period stretched us thin. It stretched her even more. Her stomach had grown so much it scared me, like it might burst open. After the D&C procedure, her body changed in ways I wasn’t prepared for. She looked like some of the women you see in the market, a stomach that seemed to have layers and full of wide stretch marks. I hated that I noticed it that way, but time passed, and slowly her body tried to return to what it used to be. Not the same thing but I worked with it.
Our child is almost three now, and my wife’s stomach is worse than it was. Bigger than I ever imagined, and it’s taking a toll on my mental health. She had a cesarean section, and we couldn’t even try certain things early on because of the healing. I understood that then. I really did.
But now, two years later, I keep asking myself—shouldn’t there have been some change? Some effort? I’m not saying I don’t love her. I loved her before all this, loved her through both pregnancies, gave her time to heal before even thinking about anything else. But I am attracted to a flat stomach. It does something to me.
Right now, I can’t even look at her properly. She walks into the living room, sits beside me, and I suddenly remember a call I need to take. At night, our intimacy is dead, quiet like a cemetery. I try, I really do, but nothing in me responds. And you know how attraction works.
I’ve encouraged myself so many times, but the truth is, my body doesn’t respond anymore. Not even a little.
I don’t know how to tell her. How do you even say something like that? “Your stomach is the reason I can’t be intimate with you.” It sounds cruel, even in my own head. Sometimes she asks questions: “Why am I not attractive anymore?” “Baby, is there anything wrong with me? Why have you not touched me? Is it my stomach?” And I dodge them because I don’t know how to confirm her worst fears.
At first, I thought maybe it was just me. Stress, maybe. But when I step outside and see women with flat stomachs, my body reacts immediately. And I don’t want to cheat on my wife. She’s a good woman. She went through surgery to give us a child. This is not her fault.
It’s Not God’s Law For A Man To Apologize To A Woman
But because of this, I can’t satisfy her. It’s affecting her, and now she thinks I’m cheating, when I can’t even bring myself to do it.
I’ve thought about solutions. The gym, but from what I’ve read, after a C-section it’s not always straightforward if not done carefully. Then there’s surgery, a tummy tuck, but that costs between 50,000 to 80,000 cedis. I don’t have that kind of money. If I did, I would take her there myself, just to have some peace. I’ve even seen her trying herbal medicines and drinking all sorts of concoctions, but nothing seems to be working
Because right now, I’m fighting something deep inside me. It’s frustrating. All this energy with nowhere to go. It’s eating me up slowly. I want my wife, I really do, but the moment I get close, everything in me just shuts down.
Anyone with real knowledge or experience, help me. I feel like I’m losing myself and my marriage. I am not the man who hates his wife, it is whatever it is that is wrong with me
—Taller
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Mr Taller,
I perfectly understand what you going through. I went through that for the first 5 years of my marriage. I started staying in town after work till I am deadly tired before I get home and that means I will go straight to the bathroom and to the bed. I even rented an new apartment for convenience. But my wife was and is the best lady I have met. One Friday after days of deliberation, we spent the night together and lazier around within the following day create a soothing day. I had the conversation with her and we discussed everything that we need to do to make us get back to how we were. Before I knew it, she has registered for gym session and on diet. Mr. Taller, it took a while but oneday I caught myself not being able to get my hands off her. How your wife is right now can be worked on and you need to communicate about it and assure her you are going nowhere. FOR BETTER FOR WORSE
THE WAY OUT IS DIETING AND GYM. FOR THE GYM, IF YOU CAN AFFORD FEW OF THE GYM EQUIPMENTS, EVEN THOSE THAT ARE SLIGHTLY USED AND KEEP AT HOME, ITS BETTER. YOU CAN START WITH A THREADMILL AND FEW OTHER THINGS. ONCE A WHILE, YOU BOTH HIT THE ROAD FOR JOGGING OR BRISK WALKING.
WATCH YOUTUBE VIDEOS ON HOW TO START.
DO NOT LEAVE HER TO DO IT ALONE, DO IT WITH HER. ITS A SIGN OF YOUR SUPPORT FOR HER KEEP FIT. IT WILL HELP YOU TOO.
WITH CONSISTENCY, YOU WILL SEE A TREMENDOUS CHANGE.
HAPPY MARRIAGE COMES WITH WORK WITH MAXIMUM INTENTIONS. THIS IS ONE OF IT.
AS FOR THE CONVERSATIONS- YOU SHOULD HAVE IT WITH HER. ITS NOT FAIR TO KEEP HER WONDERING. WOMEN WANTS TO FEEL LOVED AND ACCEPTED. TELLING HER THE TRUTH WILL NOT CRASH HER IF YOU ARE WILLING THE GO THROUGH THE PROCESS OF GETTING BACK IN SHAPE WITH HER.
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let the live you have for her leads
you need to help her overcome this challenge
I only have question, Mr.
Do you have 6pack abs?
Men condition to love is very ridiculous.
I do not have any helpful idea. But I deeply hurt and sorry for ur wife. You should have married those flat tummy women and left her alone. You expected her stomach to become flat after child bird?
You talk about money for surgery…what are u going to tell her is the problem, since u claimed u don’t want to confirm her worst fear.
Your attraction to women with flat stomach after yrs of marriage is absurd. Nothing remains forever except change. Just look at urself and ask if u we’re same as in ten yrs back?