We dated for close to 10 years but only got married two years ago. In fact, he was the one rushing me through the process. We agreed to have a traditional marriage and sign at the court. Luckily, the date we were given was a day before the traditional marriage. But a day before we were supposed to go to the court to sign, he backed out for no substantial reason.

My father didn’t make a big deal out of it. My mom and aunties even decided to lie to the family elders when they asked if we had legalised the marriage, just because.

Prior to us getting married, I kept having a feeling and hearing voices in my head asking me to investigate the man I was dating. I kept feeling that he may have a child somewhere. I couldn’t see how he could have a child and not inform me. Regardless, I asked him, but he denied having a child hidden somewhere.

Our traditional wedding came and went. On the third day of what was supposed to be our honeymoon, I found out that he had a three-month-old child.

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I cried my heart out because I didn’t sign up for that. I had been very vocal about not wanting to deal with baby mamas. But my mom, aunts, and his family apologised and pleaded with me to let it go.

In most cases, elders would sit down and seek compensation for me, but my mom and aunts didn’t drag it out. I forgave him, which I did sincerely from my heart. I even suggested names he could give to the child, even though I didn’t grace the occasion with my presence. Seeing her again would just bring back terrible memories.

His baby mama is someone we have consistently fought over throughout our 10-year relationship. Because of her, we even broke up for two whole years before finding our way back to each other. I really thought I could live with it. You know, accept that he has a child somewhere else.

But after some months of marriage till now, I’ve become like a dirty rag before my husband. My contributions don’t make sense. When I talk, I’m aggressive. When I don’t talk, I bore him.

I try not to let it get to me, but it’s weighing me down. It got to the point where I panic whenever I see him. I’m unable to eat or sleep.

Some weeks ago, he stopped talking to me. We lived like strangers, and strangely, it brought me utmost peace and comfort. I could eat well and sleep well.

Last Friday, I woke up only to see his mother at our doorstep. She didn’t even respond to my greetings, as if we were sworn enemies. “My son says that he is tired of you, so you should pack your bags and go back to your mother’s house.” I called my mom to tell her about it. She asked me not to come home and that if he wants to divorce me, there was a proper way to go about it.

The thing is, we moved to a new place, and water doesn’t flow in the house, so we fetch water from outside. We’re also on the third floor, and I have to go all the way downstairs to get water and carry it back up there. He won’t do it. I do it. In situations like this, it is expected that we use the water wisely so I don’t have to keep going down the stairs every hour. But he doesn’t seem to understand that.

My husband will never flush the urine unless he wants to take a loo. And to make matters worse, he’ll close the toilet after urinating, so it becomes a breeding ground for bacteria, which causes Candida. I complained about it, but he told me to get a pail and pee in it. So I asked, “What if I want to take a loo?”

Then he got angry, saying I was challenging him. He said I like to have an opinion when he’s telling me something. Meanwhile, my opinions are like those of a three-year-old. Who talks to his wife in that manner? Who? He is so unkind to me. I look like a shadow of myself. My niece cried the last time she saw me.

Is There A Man Out There Who Doesn’t Cheat?

I don’t know if it’s because I am not working, but he won’t even help me when I ask for help. The only time he helped me was when we were trying to get me into the immigration service. The money ended up going everywhere and nowhere. He has taken his baby mama to nursing school, but when it comes to me, he draws the line.

I’m only an SHS graduate, so I feel lost in this evolving world. I have considered learning a trade, and I am saving towards it. But what do I do about this marriage of mine? I don’t know what I am doing here anymore, and it is tearing me down.

—Pearl

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