Three months ago, I went to work and was greeted by this young beautiful man. It was my first time seeing him at the hospital so I wondered who he was. During the course of the day, I got to know he was a new doctor who had come to work with us in the hospital. We were told about his coming but not in a million years did I think the new doctor will appear in the form and manner that I saw him that day. 

During the day he came to my desk twice and asked me questions. Each time he came around, he came with this broad smile that said, “I’m an easy-going person so loosen up.” At some point, he said, “Sorry I didn’t get your name the first time. What’s your name again?” “Sandra. My name is Sandra, Doc.” He didn’t forget my name again. 

My shift ended at 8pm. The nurse I was supposed to hand over to hadn’t reported to work so I was waiting. That was the point a new patient was rushed in. It was an emergency. He said, “You have to stay with me so we work on this.” I was with him until we were done around 9:30pm. He said, “If you don’t mind, you can join me so I drop you somewhere closer to your house.” I said, “That will be kind of you.”  

I sat next to him and he drove off. In the car, we barely talked. At some point, he asked, “So how long have you been doing this?” I didn’t finish giving him an answer when we got to the place I would have to alight. He said good night to me and I said the same to him. “He’s a nice guy…” I said to myself. When I got home and was in bed trying to sleep, I caught myself thinking about him and everything that happened during the day. I said to myself, “Come off it. He hadn’t said anything.” Yes, he hadn’t said anything to me then but everything he did led me to think that was the case. I said yes in my head; to a proposal that was yet to come. 

We met again the next day. He said, “I pray today wouldn’t be as stressful as yesterday was.” I said, “I pray for the same too.” I saw him every now and then. Even when he wasn’t coming to me, he’ll look at me and flash a beaming smile or wink at me. For the whole week, it was like that. I called my friend Belinda. I told her, “Guess who is my new crush? He’s a new doctor who came here some weeks ago.” She asked, “So who’s crushing on who?” I said, “Currently I’m the one crushing. I know he’s crushing back. Everything he does around me shows that he’s crushing back. It’s just a matter of time.” She said, “Come with gold. I don’t want to hear this and that biaa.” 

One evening after my shift, I was descending the stairs when I saw him seated on the bench downstairs. He said, “You’ve kept long papa. I’ve been waiting for you.” I said, “Oh I’m sorry. I thought you were gone long ago, I didn’t know you were waiting. Please forgive me.” When I sat next to him in his car, I thought he was going to propose. The love tension between us was so intense. He was quiet. He looked like he was thinking of what to say. I didn’t want to disturb his thoughts so I sat quietly, waiting for him to make a move. Soon we got to my junction. I sat still for a while. He said,  “I will be off for a while. Hope to see you around when I come back.” He then said his good night and I said good night to him too. 

He was off for three days or so. He spoke to me on the phone every day asking how I was doing and how the hospital was. When he returned to the hospital, I was doing the shift with Alberta. Alberta had been on leave since he had been at the hospital. I was there with Alberta when he walked by and mentioned my name. Alberta asked, “Who’s this one too?” I said, “A new doctor.” She said, “He’s a doctor? This young guy?” I said, “Doctors are supposed to be aged?” She said, “He’s cute mmom.” 

That day he dealt with Alberta more than me. Anytime Alberta went to his office and came back, she came wearing a broad smile. She said, “Eish, he’s friendly papa.” Another time; “That doctor is really funny. Why are all doctors not like that?” Another time she said, ” He’s really interesting and I think I like him.” 

Each time she made such comments, I died a little on the inside. As time went on, I realized his attention had shifted completely from me to Alberta. He’ll come to me and speak with a straight face, without the smile that made us friends. When he had to talk to Alberta, he spoke for long and all the while smiling. I got jealous but there was very little I could do about it. He stopped giving me a lift. He stopped calling my phone. I called one day to ask if I had done something wrong. He said, “No you haven’t done anything wrong but sometimes we have to keep it professional. It’s a small hospital, you know.” 

He was keeping it professional with me and yet did all the things he used to do with me with Alberta. I thought of asking him questions so one day after work, I went to him and asked if he could drop me at my junction like he used to do. He said, “No I’m not going straight home. I will stay for a while and later attend an event.”

That day when I got home I called Berlinda. I said, “You remember that doctor I told you about?” She asked, “Has he proposed?” I said, “Hmmm.” She said, “Or it has ended in tears?” I told her the whole story about the shift in his attention to another colleague. I said, “I want to ask him why he’s doing that because I don’t understand.” She said, “He didn’t propose to you so you have no right to question him. And he didn’t ask you to crush on him. Maybe he was just being nice. Just pretend he doesn’t exist.” 

The truth hurts. What Berlinda said hurt me to the core. I said, “That’s the truth. I will be professional with him, just as he wants.” 

I went to work with a straight face, wearing my professional armor. When he asked a question, I answered politely but the thing was, he didn’t talk to me a lot. He didn’t provide the opportunity for me to engage with him a lot. He was all about Alberta and Alberta too wouldn’t keep her mouth shut. Each time she went to him and something happened, she’ll come and tell me. One evening after work, I saw Alberta entering his car. I nearly collapsed. “Alberta tells me everything so why didn’t she tell me about this?”

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Sometimes I feel they are making fun of me. It breaks my heart a lot to see them do that. It’s a small hospital. Everyone sees what everyone is doing. Is hard for me to pretend that I don’t see them when right under my nose they keep winking at each other and smiling at things unknown. 

Currently, I’m on leave. I couldn’t stand it and it was affecting my work so I had to take my leave earlier than planned. I was thinking staying home for a week or two will help me clear my mind but it’s not working. I can’t stop thinking about the whole thing. In a few days, I’ll report back to work. I want to ask, what can I do to kill this feeling once and for all so I can concentrate on my work? Again, is it normal the way I feel? Or I’m simply creating a storm out of a teacup? 

It’s hard for me. I thought I’d found the one. I’ve lived the future of our relationship in my head and was waiting for the day everything will materialize until Alberta came into the picture. Is it normal for someone to hurt you this bad though he didn’t propose to you? I’m getting sick of this feeling and I wish it will all go away as soon as possible so I can be me again. Please help.

–Sandra 

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