I have been married to my husband for the past eight years. We have two amazing daughters together. And I have been trying everything possible to make my marriage work for the sake of my girls, but right now I am tired. My husband and I argue all the time. Sometimes the arguments get so heated that I tell him, “I am so tired of this marriage. I wish I was single.” And instead of taking me seriously, he tells me; “You are a grown woman, so act like it and stop being immature.” I admit, there’s quite a remarkable age gap between us. I am twenty-seven, and he’s thirty-six. Due to this, he refers to all my concerns in the marriage as immaturity. It doesn’t matter what I complain about, he would say I am being immature, or that I am exaggerating.

What I don’t understand is why he got married to me if he thought I was immature. When he proposed that we get married, he was in a financial bind. This resulted from a loan he took for his mother. It was meant for a business but things didn’t work out so the debt became his to pay. I knew this about him but it didn’t bother me. I loved him so I was determined to stand by him through his challenges. After our marriage, eighty per cent of the responsibilities fell on my shoulders. I took care of everything; food, bills, clothes, and housekeeping. 

By the time we started having kids my husband was still knee-deep in debts, so I bore the responsibility of taking care of them too. Up until now, we are both government workers but I earn more than him so I am still in charge of eighty per cent of our expenses. He just gives me a small amount of money at the end of every month, and I handle the rest. And sincerely, I am not complaining, and I have never complained. This is something I do joyfully because I believe that if I support him with my all, he will someday make it. 

My problem with him, however, is that he does not assist me with house chores. He closes from work before I do but he would rather spend time on his phone than feed our kids before I get home. When I complain he would tell me, “Is it because you earn more money than I do that you want to turn me into a house boy?” I don’t understand him. What is wrong with assisting your partner take care of your kids? How does that turn one into a house help? When I ask him these questions he tells me I am being disrespectful, or that I am insolent. 

On days he doesn’t go to work he would spend the entire day with his friends, while I would go to work and return to meet the house unkept and the children hungry. No matter how many times I address the issue, he doesn’t see anything wrong with it. As if that’s not enough, he denies me shuperu. I keep myself clean and in shape so it isn’t that I am not physically attractive. Sometimes people don’t even believe me when I tell them that I am married with two kids. That’s how well I keep myself, yet I have to beg my husband to touch me. He would rather watch adult films and pleasure himself than make love to me, his beautiful wife. 

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 I love this man very much but I am tired of his behaviour. Most importantly, I am tired of the way he dismisses me when I try to address our issues. All he says is, “There is nothing wrong with our marriage, so stop being dramatic.” I would have involved our pastors but now he has stopped going to church. Whenever I try to encourage him to go to church with us he would get angry, “Stop trying to boss me around. I will go to church if I want to. After all, it’s between me and God.” And then we end up quarrelling. Sometimes when he is doing all this I look at him and think, “You cannot even boast of GHC1000 in your account, yet you won’t humble yourself and serve God properly. How can you be blessed?”

I am truly not happy with the way my marriage is but how can I change things? I don’t want my daughters to grow up thinking that it’s okay for a woman to toil all day in the boardroom, and then come home to single-handedly take care of the home and make sure that everyone is okay before attending to her own needs. I want my daughters to grow up in a home where marriage is all about partnership. No unnecessary ego, or toxic masculinity getting in the way. Am I being too much of a feminist for wanting this kind of marriage?

Is my husband right by implying that I am exaggerating our problems? I am also wondering if I am being disrespectful when I ask him to assist me with house chores. Because I am thinking that if all these concerns make me immature then this marriage thing is not for me. If all my efforts to get him to see reason fail, then I might file for a divorce so I can enjoy singlehood. 

—Pat

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