We got married four years ago and just a year after marriage we had a daughter. My husband had a good job and we didn’t lack anything. I’m a nurse. When we got married, I wasn’t fully employed yet. He was the one who took care of everything until I got posted and started receiving my salary. He is a good man, a good husband, and a good father. In life, being good doesn’t absolve you from bad situations. Bad things happen to bad people just as bad things happen to good people. I don’t know who wrote the rules of life but that person needs to revise them. 

I came home from work one day and saw my husband in the house sleeping. I said, ”You came home early today. Are you sick?” He said, “I’m not sick but at this moment in life, I would pick sickness over what’s coming to me.” I asked, “It happened?” He said, “Yeah it happened and I’m part of the first group that got laid off.” 

Before that day he told me about the restructuring that was happening in his company. The company couldn’t stand the effect of the Covid so they were going down. When ships are going down, they offload so the company decided to offload. Cutting down the number of its employees was one of the things they decided to do to stay afloat. My husband was affected. He came home that day because he was served with a termination letter. I stayed with him. I motivated him and urged him to start looking for another opportunity. “You’re a clever man,” I said. You’ll get a job very soon so you don’t need to worry.”

That was early 2020. To date, my husband doesn’t have a job. We’ve tried. We’ve spoken to people in our circles. We’ve gone to people we know are influential. They give us promises. They give us hope. In the end, nothing happens. We’ve come to rely on my salary. We are able to afford the basic things in life but that’s not what life is all about. There are other necessities. As we grow together as a couple, there are dreams we need to let come through. There are milestones we need to hit. All that had been put on the shelf because we need to survive before we can dream.

Our rent was due. We needed so much before we could renew it. My husband told me, “It’s not a good idea for us to part with this lot of money. I don’t know when I’ll be back working again so it makes no sense to place all our eggs in our rent basket. Let’s survive on what we have for now and move to my parents’ house. The house is huge. We can have the outhouse. My sisters can share the main house with my mother.” I agreed. The outhouse he was talking about is a single room self contain. It was small for the three of us but looking at our situation, it was the best bet for us. 

We moved in in June this year. I had a great relationship with his two sisters and mother. His junior sister, Adomaa was my bridesmaid during our wedding. They had been very good to me since I entered their family and based on that relationship, I had no fear or whatsoever when I had to move in with them. Depending on my shift, I would leave home in the morning and return later in the afternoon. My husband would be home so he’ll bathe our kid, feed her and later send her to school. In the afternoon, when school closes, He’ll go to the school and pick her up. When I have the afternoon shift, I do all that work without his involvement.

One evening, my husband told me, “Why don’t we remove Eli from school? She’s only three years old. I’m home now. I can teach her so we don’t have to waste money on school fees and those petty fees we pay weekly.” What he said was an echo of what his mother told us a few weeks ago. When his mother said it, I thought it wasn’t necessary but somehow, his mother had convinced him to withdraw our daughter from school. I said, “Her school fees and those fees you’re talking about isn’t too much to tip the scale. We are managing just fine and your situation isn’t permanent. One day, you’ll get a job and all this would be over. Let’s not go there. She has to stay in school.” I thought he had understood me. Days later, he told me the kid won’t go to school. 

“Why” 

“I’ve withdrawn her from school.”

“I thought we talked about it? I thought we agreed that she was going to stay in school?”

“I’m the man here and you need to listen when I talk. We need that money to cater for other things. I will teach her myself. End of discussion.”

My husband had never spoken to me like that. He had never reminded me of his gender in a speech like he did that day. I sensed where the influence was coming from. I could imagine his mother telling him, ”You’re the man. You don’t have to allow your wife to run your life for you. Withdraw the girl and tell her that you did it.” So he went ahead and withdrew our kid from school. I didn’t argue with him. For the sake of peace and for him to feel like the man that he is, I allowed it.

We live in an outhouse that has its own water and electricity meter but we’ve been made to pay the bills of the whole house. Her two sisters don’t work though they had both completed the university. They disappear for days and reappear later to cause havoc in the house. One day, Adomaa came to me and said, “Why do you allow your husband to wash and clean the house? He even cooks for you. Is it because he doesn’t work that’s why you’re treating him that way?” She wasn’t angry when she said that so I thought she came for a discussion. I told her, “I haven’t told your brother to do anything in this house. He does them just to keep himself busy.” She said, “Then I would tell him to stop. He’s a man. He doesn’t have a job but he’s still a man. Housekeeping is your job. You ought to do it.”

My husband would now wait for me to come back from work, cook, and serve him before he eats. On weekends when I’m home, he’ll stay on the sofa and watch TV while I clean, cook and wash. We had no discussion before that change. It was when I saw the change that I asked about it; “You’ve stopped helping out around here. Are you not feeling well?” He said, “Be honest with me. If I was working, would I be doing house chores too? If I wouldn’t, who would have done that for us?” I said, “When you were working, you were still helping around, remember? I’m not asking you to do all things. I’m only asking you to do some things to help me.”

He didn’t mind me. He wanted to prove to his family that he was still the man of the house. One Saturday morning, I was too tired I didn’t want to wake up. I had work in the afternoon. I didn’t want to stress myself. My husband walked in and tapped on my shoulder, “Wake up. Mom had brought her laundry. Add it to what we have here and wash them before you go to work in the afternoon. I got up, looked at his face, and started laughing. I said, “Young man, since when did this start? Am I the one to wash your mom’s clothes? Where are your sisters? I’m a broken horse. You can’t keep adding more load to what’s already behind me.”

He screamed at me. He called me lazy. He insinuated I was doing all that because he’s unemployed. He barked orders at me but I didn’t wave. I said, “Your mother had a way of getting her clothes washed. Let that continue. I will never change it.” He retorted, “Remember we are living in her house. You don’t pay rent here and this is the little you can do to help the old lady.” I said, “I pay the utility bills of this house. I don’t complain. Rent? Remember my parents have a bigger house than this. I can go in there whenever I want and they’ll receive me. I’m here because of you. I’m here because I want to be with you through thin until the thick arrives. I’ve been overused and I don’t intend adding more chores.”

We fought all morning. When the time came for me to wash, I picked our laundry, went outside, and washed them without touching her mother’s. When I came back from work that day, the whole family was in our room waiting for me.

Her mother: “You disrespected me when you refused to wash my clothes. Would you treat your own mother this way?”

Adomaa: “You’re living in our house rent-free and you dare to disobey my mother? You’ve turned our brother into a house boy. You want to add our mother too? That won’t happen.”

My husband: “You don’t listen to me because I’m unemployed but remember all the good things I did for you when I was working. You dare disrespect my mom? The woman who bore me for nine months?” 

They kept shouting on top of their voices but I said nothing. After everything, I asked them, ”What do you want from me?” His mother said, “I’m your mother. You’ll wash for me from now onwards. And you’ll stop treating my son as a houseboy. He’s not your child. He’s your husband.” 

READ ALSO: The Ghost of Charles

The next morning, I started packing my things. He asked me, “Where are you going?” I said, “You’re in your parents’ house. I’m going to my parents’ house. When you are ready for us to rent our own place, give me a call, I will meet you in the middle.” He said, “You can’t be serious.” I said, “Watch me.” I kept packing. When I was done, I went for our kid. He said, “No you’re not going with her.” I said, “I am. She will start school again next Monday.” Maybe he thought I was joking until the taxi arrived to pick me and my daughter. He said, “No you can’t leave.” I didn’t have to respond to that. I sat in the taxi and waved at him. 

His mother was there watching me. His sisters kept snickering at what was happening. I kept moving. 

Three days later, I came back to pick the rest of my things. He was quiet. He said, “Let me tell you this. You’re no longer my wife. This marriage is over.” I said, “When the divorce papers are ready, you know where to find me.” He screamed, “Seriously? You see I’ve got you. So that’s your intention all this while. You just want to walk out of the marriage because I’m no longer working. I get it.” I said, “It’s you who mentioned divorce. I didn’t. We were fine until you started eating the apples from the serpent. I still love you because I know that’s not who you are. When you’re ready to make a change, I will follow you even to the pit of hell. But I won’t sit here and be maltreated by your family who is supposed to know better.

Three months later, no divorce papers had arrived. He calls to ask me for money. He comes around to eat. He thinks I’ve told my parents what happened but I haven’t. I’m only waiting for him to be his own man so we can start all over again. Until then, we will continue to live our separate lives.        

–Akyiaa 

Do you have any relationship experience to share? Email it to [email protected]

NOTE: NO PART OF THIS CONTENT CAN BE REPUBLISHED OR REPRODUCED IN ANY FORM WITHOUT THE EXPLICIT CONSENT OF THE EDITORS OF THIS BLOG.