I didn’t like him, but he had what I needed most in life—money. So I said yes to him. From the beginning, he gave willingly, and I loved that about him. But as time went on, he changed. I had to ask before he would give me anything, though he still gave all the same.

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I was trying to love him, but the love didn’t come easily. I tried to talk through it with him, just to find something to love about him, but it wasn’t easy. He was older than me. He wasn’t as well educated as I expected him to be. Then later I found out that he had another girlfriend.

We talked about it. I wanted to use that as an escape plan, but right after that he became so sweet and caring. He said I was the one he wanted and that the other woman was a mistake. I stayed, hoping love would find a way with me.

Then I got pregnant because the after-pill failed. I didn’t tell him. I tried dealing with it in my own way, but everything I took to flush it didn’t work. I ran to him to tell him to give me money to go to the hospital. He screamed, “Why would you do such a thing? Keep it. We are going to be parents.”

The little voice in my head whispered, “You’ve tried everything to get rid of it, but it didn’t work. It’s a sign this child is destined to live.”

Nine months later, I was carrying the most beautiful baby on my lap. It was so easy for me to fall in love with her, but I still couldn’t love the man who gave her to me. I told myself I would try. I told myself maybe I didn’t need to love him to be with him.

Our baby was one year old when we got married traditionally and later went to court to sign the papers. Our baby is now five years old, but I still don’t love my husband. He has been trying for us to have another child, but I’m on family planning. He doesn’t know about it. I’m a terrible person, I know.

I Left Him Because He Didn’t Help In The Kitchen

I don’t know what is wrong with me, and I don’t know what is blocking me from loving him. I’ve tried everything. I’ve even prayed about it. “God, I want to love him as much as I love my child. Give me that kind of heart.”

Nothing.

I still feel nothing. Is there anything I’m not doing right? I’ve given myself a year. If nothing changes, I will leave the marriage and set him free just as I will be setting myself free.

—Rebb

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