I like having male friends. I like being the sweetest girl in their lives so they could pamper me in return. My favourite kinds of male friends are the ones who don’t try to take things further. The ones who don’t go about complaining, “I have been friend-zoned.” Because I find it really annoying when guys get close to me in the name of friendship, and then try to get touchy with me whenever they get the chance. It is after all, nice to just be friends with someone and just enjoy the friendship without the pressure of romance or shuperu.

Besides platonic male friendships, the next thing I enjoy is modelling. Well, there was a time I aspired to be a model. I binge-watched modelling videos and obsessed over magazines that featured models. I also stalked the social media accounts of modelling agencies, in hopes of getting recruited by them. That’s how I ended up following the accounts of a guy who owns a modelling agency. I applied to join his agency but I didn’t hear back from them. So when I saw that he was the owner I sent him a message on Instagram.

He was very kind and polite with his response, and we ended up chatting longer than I intended. From that day we started texting and I liked his vibe. One day he asked, “When can I talk to you? I want to take our conversations off social media.” So I gave him my number and we started talking. I liked him a lot but only as a friend. I opened up myself to him and he did the same with me. It was exactly the kind of male friendship I wanted. We became so close to the extent that people doubted that we were friends.

I didn’t get to join his modelling agency or fulfil my desire of becoming a model, but I was okay with it. I consoled myself that I made friends with an amazing guy in the process. He has a good heart. He is also very calm and respectful to everyone he meets. When my other friends met him they couldn’t shut up about him; “Luke is such a decent guy,” one said. “He is so handsome and humble too,” said another. “When are you bringing Luke over again? We miss him,” they often asked. I understood how he made them feel because he made me feel that way too. His presence was addictive.

In no time he became my closest friend. And while I was happy with the way we were, Luke wanted more. He confessed, “Amanda, I have fallen in love with you. And with the kind of friendship we have, I am sure that we will make the best couple. Will you be my girlfriend?” I remember telling him, “I am sorry to disappoint you but no. I don’t think we should risk ruining our friendship by trying to be more than what we are.”

After I turned him down the first time he proposed to me again, and I rejected him again. But he kept coming back. To be honest, I don’t remember if or when I finally accepted his proposal. All I know is that Luke started acting as if we were dating. I became confused but I couldn’t bring myself to ask him, “When did we start dating?” I just told myself, “I already like him as a friend, so it shouldn’t be difficult to develop amorous feelings for him.” So I decided to enjoy our supposed relationship and hoped that I would eventually like him the way he likes me.

Now years have passed and we are still together. His love for me has increased over time, but I still don’t have any love for him. I have tried everything possible but nothing is happening. I still see him as a mere friend. I have spoken to my friends about the way I feel about him, and all they say is; “Just try hard, the love will come.” But the thing is, I have truly tried.

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My problem now is that we are getting married soon. We have started the process but my heart has refused to yield to Luke’s love. I thought I could manage but I am filled with anxiety as our wedding date draws nearer. Instead of anticipating the day with excitement, I panic at the thought of it. Luke on the other hand walks with a bounce in his step. He is trying his best to give me my dream wedding. He keeps telling me, “I can’t believe we are finally getting married soon. This is one thing I have always prayed for.”

Unfortunately, his happiness is not rubbing off on me. It rather makes me sad. I have been crying every night. It feels like I am sacrificing my happiness for his. It’s also too late to tell him the truth because I don’t want to break his heart. I may not love him, but I care about him. So I am going to marry him and do my best to make him happy. I just pray God doesn’t let me feel sad throughout our marriage.

—Amanda

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