Somehow, I am sat here finding it very hard to understand. It is hard to believe that someone who offered so much love to me, who looked me in the eyes like the stars were in them, and gave me so much safety would just walk away like I didn’t matter.

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My first boyfriend, well, now an ex, broke up with me a few days ago. Via text. Recently, I called him out for his sarcasm, and he just folded. I wouldn’t say that was his first time. I gave him a chance to explain why he would choose to talk to me that way, but he just said that he wouldn’t do it “anymore.”

I didn’t talk to him throughout the next day, and at almost 3 AM the next morning, he sent a breakup text.
“It’s over.”
I looked at the text over and over. When I finally mustered the courage, I simply replied with a thumbs up and cleared the chat. Why? Because I had had enough of him making me question my sanity, apologizing for things we were both clearly at fault for while he just sat back and held his mantle of righteousness.

On day one after the breakup, I smiled and laughed and danced.

On day two, I sat in my bed, and I cried so much. I was searching everywhere for closure. I blocked and erased anything and everything that bore his imprint.

On day three, maybe it was the effect of the breakup, but I sat down and I made a plan of my goals. I wrote down things to learn, new recipes, business ideas, and how to pass my exams. I even cried sometime while I was at it.

On day four, I cried five times the way I had before. I felt so shitty inside. I replayed the end again and again to know if I could have done something different.

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By day five, it made so much sense. The man I loved was a coward. I finally understood how much of a coward he was. Maybe it was God’s redirection.

I loved him. I think I still do. Sometimes I feel okay; other times I don’t. He ended things the exact same way he said his last girlfriend did. Simply and coldly. He told me I shouldn’t take it to heart in the moments he became hard on me during a misunderstanding. He claimed it was his past hurt’s fault.

I wasn’t perfect. I made mistakes which stemmed from insecurity and doubt, but I took accountability for those. I didn’t try to make any of them seem like his fault, and I personally saw myself changing, loving him in the way he wanted. But that meant not speaking up when I felt wronged, because it would be me just “getting things off my chest”. I tried for us. It just wasn’t enough for him.

My family tells me that time will heal me. I believe that. I just can’t wait for this feeling to leave me.
And even worse, he is my classmate.

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Is there anyone who can say something to help me so I don’t hit rock bottom?
My studies are my priority, and I can’t afford anything that will mess up my grades. That’s why I’m asking for guidance. How do I handle this without losing myself or my focus?