Dear Bernice,

I saw your wedding pictures the other day, and I couldn’t move. My chest got tight. Your wedding had three parts. Three separate celebrations. The whole town was talking about it. You looked like a queen, Bernice. A real queen. And you married a handsome man, someone important, someone who works for the government. Someone who will never break your heart the way I did.

When I heard you were married, I actually cried. I said a prayer for you, and I meant every single word of it. I was genuinely happy for you because you deserved that happiness. You deserved everything beautiful in this world.

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But I owe you an apology that’s almost a lifetime too late.

In JHS, you used to tease me about my small eyes. You and your friends would laugh and mock me and I’d pretend it didn’t hurt. But it hurt, Bernice. It really did. Then one day something changed. You stopped teasing me and started looking at me differently. And I started looking at you too, and suddenly I couldn’t stop.

After JHS, I went off to one of the boys’ schools on the hills of Cape Coast. During my first vacation, I saw Bernice again. She was genuinely happy to see me, and even though we didn’t talk much because I was on my way to church, I asked for her number. I didn’t have a phone, so I memorised it on the spot. She was shocked. When I got back from church, I called her. That call was the beginning of something beautiful.

We talked endlessly. Those were the days of “Tigo text a lot,” when twenty pesewas of credit could last the whole day. She was into me deeply. There wasn’t a single day I didn’t hear from her. I was her person. She never made a decision without talking to me first. We were just sixteen, but all we knew was love. Pure, innocent love. No adult complications. Just affection, laughter, and constant connection.

Then school reopened. I had to leave my beautiful Bernice for three long months. She struggled with the separation, even though she had her own school to attend. We said an emotional goodbye and parted ways. I left before her because our reopening dates were different. When I arrived at school, I borrowed my friend Richard’s phone to call her. She was so happy to hear from me. She kept calling Richard’s phone just to talk to me. She loved me that much.

But then something changed.

One afternoon, I saw my friend Owusu-Bempah showing off pictures of his girlfriend. She was stunning. I looked at her, then thought about Bernice. I was a kid, immature and shallow. I told myself, “My friend’s girlfriend is prettier than Bernice. I need someone like that.” Then Steve showed me pictures of his new girl from vacation classes, another gorgeous lady. That sealed it for me.

I stopped loving Bernice.

I fought thoughts of her and convinced myself I needed a thick, curvy girl. Bernice was slim, but she was beautiful. Still, I let her go. I was determined to find someone who looked like the girls my friends were dating. I wanted to chill with the big boys.

School vacated, but Bernice was still in school in the Eastern Region. I went to town one day and saw her classmates getting off a trotro. That meant she had finally vacated. She was free to call her sweetheart again. And she did.

She called me that same day.

But I didn’t feel the urgency to answer. I had moved on. She was my past. She kept calling, fighting for our love, but my selfish and childish mind had already made its decision. She didn’t know where I lived, or she would have come to demand answers.

I am sure I broke her.

And I didn’t do well. I still think about it to this day.

You want to know what’s funny and tragic at the same time? After I threw away the love you had for me, I didn’t find another girl to date throughout my entire high school years. Not one. I was so busy running from you that I was completely alone.

In university, first year, I met an old primary school friend named Fosua on Facebook. I chased her for years. Years, Bernice. She never said yes to me. Not once. She’s married now, and she sent me an invitation to her wedding in Kumasi. I didn’t go because I was too ashamed to face her.

Then Elorm. Finally, I thought. Finally I found what I was looking for. She was thick, she was curvy, she was fair-skinned, and she was everything I thought I wanted. We dated for seven months, and I thought I had won. I thought I had gotten what I deserved.

Then I caught her kissing another guy in her room. When I confronted her, she didn’t even feel sorry. She didn’t even apologize. She fought with me and tore my black shirt right off my body, and I had to leave her house without looking back. I blocked her and tried to move on, but the damage was already done.

During my national service in Sekondi, I met Afi. She was one of the most beautiful girls in that entire city. I’m not exaggerating. She was a rare beauty. She took advantage of the love I had for her to demand things from me that she didn’t even need. Then she dumped me after a year. She was disrespectful to me. She didn’t care about my feelings at all.

Then Lucy came with her own drama. She lasted three months before she disappeared.

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Now there’s Adwoa. A thick, curvy girl from the north. But she won’t even call me. She only sends me short, boring texts on WhatsApp like I’m a stranger. I feel empty with her. I feel like I’m begging for crumbs.

Do you see what happened, Bernice? Do you see the pattern? After I threw away the love you had for me, after I broke your heart for something that looked prettier, I got destroyed. Every single girl after you taught me a painful lesson that you could have taught me with kindness and patience instead.

I understand now what I was too young and too stupid to understand then. You weren’t just beautiful, Bernice. You were rare. You were a gem. You had a heart that loved completely, and you gave everything you had to me without asking for anything in return except my love back.

And I threw it all away.

I threw away something priceless because I was chasing something shiny. I chose appearance over character. I chose big butt and hips over you. I made a choice that I’ve been paying for ever since.

I’m sorry, Bernice. I’m so sorry it took me this many years to say it. I was a boy who knew nothing about life. I was shallow, and I was selfish, and I didn’t deserve the love you gave me. You loved me with your whole heart, and I repaid you by breaking it into a thousand pieces.

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I’m sorry for every unanswered call. I’m sorry for making you feel like you weren’t enough. I’m sorry for letting you think that something was wrong with you when the truth is that everything was wrong with me. I’m sorry for being a coward who couldn’t even face you to explain why I had decided to destroy us.

You deserved so much better. You always deserved better.

But I’m glad, Bernice. I’m genuinely glad that you found someone who knows your value. I’m glad that he came along and showed you what real love looks like. I’m glad that he didn’t make the mistake I made. I’m glad that he married you and gave you the three-part wedding that made the whole town talk. You deserved all of that and more. I wish you all the very best in your marriage, Bernice. I hope your husband loves you the way I should have loved you. I hope he never takes you for granted. I hope he looks at you every single day and thanks God for putting you in his life.

Thank you for loving me the way you did. Thank you for fighting for us even when I was fighting against us. Thank you for teaching me what real love looks like, even though I was too young and too blind to understand it at the time.

I’m sorry for everything.

—Selorm.

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