I have been married for two years now, but my wife and I have been together for five. In the beginning, I was the one who craved attention. I paid attention to everything. Morning greetings, bedtime messages, affectionate check-ins. I would say “Good morning” when we woke up and “Goodnight” before sleeping.

I said “I love you” at the end of every call or text, even if I was busy or around people; I did not care for them. I am the man, but yes, I wholeheartedly do these things because of the things love does to your brain.

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Most times when I told her “I love you,” she’d reply with “me too” or “same here.” She only responded when it was convenient. Sometimes she’d say, “I’m with my mum” or “I’m with my siblings,” like that was enough reason not to reply. But me, I didn’t care who was around. If I felt something, I said it. I didn’t wait for the perfect moment.

One day, I asked her why she was always so cold with me. She said, “I don’t just throw those words around. When I say ‘I love you,’ I want it to come from a real place. It loses meaning if I say it too often.” So I asked her, “What if the day you finally decide to say it, I’m not in the mood? Should I just ignore you too?” She said, “It doesn’t matter. The point is, I meant it when I said it.”

It made sense on the surface, but deep down, I was hurting. The emotional gap between us was clear. I remember telling her, “The small things you do make me love you more. And the small things you ignore slowly kill the love.” I tried to explain that saying ‘I love you’ often isn’t about routine. It’s about reassurance. But she didn’t change.

This wasn’t about money or fancy gifts. It was about effort. I once told her, “When you love someone, you make a conscious effort to make them happy.” But for a long time, I felt like I was the only one trying. I stopped saying “Good morning.” I stopped saying, “Goodnight.” I stopped doing the things I used to beg her for. I got tired of carrying the relationship on my head alone.

I know we all come from different homes, but I believe that if you truly care, you’ll learn, you’ll grow, and you’ll meet your partner halfway.

There was a day we had a deep conversation. I told her, “I don’t feel loved even though I know you love me.” But still, nothing changed. She enjoyed cuddles and laughter when we were together, but that wasn’t enough to fill the emptiness I felt inside.

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Then there is the issue of sex.  You see, I have a high sex drive. She doesn’t. She could go months without it. Even a year, if she wasn’t in the mood. So yes, I started handling things myself. Sometimes in the bathroom. Sometimes right in front of her. She wouldn’t move. There were times I had to beg for what I later started calling “pity sex.”

I thought marriage would change things. But I was wrong. She didn’t seem interested in meeting me halfway, emotionally or physically. So I stopped complaining. I started loving myself instead. Even this morning, before I left for work, I took care of myself again.

Eventually, she noticed that I was getting tired of her coldness.  She wants me around more. Sometimes she asks me to work from home so we can spend time together. But by now, I’ve grown used to her distance. I’ve shifted my focus. I’m more of a provider and a father now, not a lover.

I’m not on a fixed salary, so I hustle. I do graphic design, digital marketing, construction, project management. I’m also studying. She’s a hairstylist and makeup artist. Her business hasn’t picked up yet, but she supports when she can, especially during my low seasons. She takes care of the water and light bills. I handle the rest and our son’s needs.

Now she’s started complaining. “You don’t give me the attention I deserve anymore.” And I told her, “When you treat me like a king, I’ll treat you like a queen.”

Because by then, she has “teared chain.” She’d tear my bread with her hands like Jesus at the Last Supper, even though there’s a bread knife in the kitchen. Sometimes, she’d place the bread on top of my teacup like a cover. I told her, “Wouldn’t it be nice if you made my breakfast before I left for work? Maybe even pack my lunch? Can’t you greet me in the morning or hug me when I return? Our son does that. Doesn’t that show love? Shouldn’t your partner feel wanted?”

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There was a time when I wanted her badly. I mean, I really wanted her. I wanted her to touch me. I wanted to know that I mattered to her. I needed that so bad it hurt. She wasn’t there for me like that. She was busy, or tired, or just didn’t see what I needed. So I stopped asking. I just stopped. Now look—now she wants me all the time.

Now she’s the one chasing. And I’m just going along with it. But the truth is, it might be too late. One day, I told her plainly, “Right now, I am in this marriage out of duty, not love. We play, we kiss, we have sex when you want it, and I say ‘I love you’ when I genuinely feel it. That is all.”

After that talk, something changed a little bit. Not a lot. But I could see her trying. Maybe she finally got it. Maybe she saw what she lost. But it doesn’t matter because I’m not the same person anymore. Even if she becomes the woman I wanted back then, I don’t know if I can go back to loving her like I did. Something inside me just turned off. And I don’t think it turns back on.

I have made peace with whatever comes. If she chooses to leave, I will not stop her. I probably will not marry again. Maybe I will have baby mamas and co-parent. But the idea of lifelong commitment is something I am not sure I can do again.

So when I read stories like the one that made me write this, I do not judge. Maybe that man went through years of emotional neglect. Maybe he reached his breaking point long before she noticed. Maybe when he needed love, it was not there. And now that she wants it, he is no longer able to give it.

Because love is not just about staying. It is about showing up in the little things. Every day.

—Foli

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