Moses proposed to me and I said yes. We dated for two years and he said he wanted to marry me. He had a job. He was a gentleman. I loved the way he handled issues while we were dating. He never insulted me or did anything to disrespect me. We were in the same church. I felt our faith had a firm foundation. I loved him. He did enough to prove his love for me too so I said yes to his marriage proposal.
Six months later we were married. I tell people, ”Marriage found me. I was ready when it found me so I said yes to it.” Ours wasn’t the kind of marriage we sat down and planned everything to the letter. Even when we were dating, we didn’t plan how the dating should go or what we ought to do to have a successful dating. We did none of that, yet we had a very beautiful dating period. We took everything a day at a time—One step after the other until we got to the point where we were sure of marriage. Taking life a day at a time means taking your time to know your partner and also accepting the fact that people will err but when they do and apologize, you’ll be open to accepting their apology.
When we faced a misunderstanding, “He’ll give me time to voice out my feelings. He will also talk about what he felt I should have done. After that, he will ask me, “So what do we do?” I will apologize if that fault was mine. He also didn’t waste time in saying “Sorry” when the fault was his. To me, that was the best way to go as far as relationship is concerned. When we got married, the two of us already knew how to resolve our differences so we placed our hopes in the strength of our maturity, believing that everything will take shape as we move on in our marital journey.
I had a good start to life. I found a well-paying job even before I completed national service. Just a month after starting that job, the company was selling land to employees on credit so I took advantage and purchased some of the lands. I was young but the kind of money that come into my hand each month was huge. I didn’t have a lot of responsibilities then, so I decided to build on the land I was given. I invested heavily in the project until I completed the building. I wasn’t married then. I wanted my parents to move into the building but they were also hesitant. I don’t know their fear but anytime we discussed the building, they had an excuse not to move in. The preferred living in the family house.
When it became apparent that we were going to get married, I discussed it with Moses. I asked him, “What should I do with the building?” He said, “Since they are not willing to move in, we can go in. Later, we will put money together and get them something they will love to move in.” So right after marriage, we moved into the building I built. Moses was living with his parents. His parents had a big house so he was comfortable living there until we got married.
Marriage is different from dating. A lot of things change immediately you graduate from dating to marriage. You have little control over that. You may try to keep things the same way but married life has a mind of its own. We didn’t change as people. Situations surrounding the two of us changed so we had no option but to adjust. I didn’t know how it all started but by the time I realized it, I and my husband were splitting bills. When I say split, I mean splitting right through the middle. When he pays the electricity bill. I pay the water bill. When he pays for food this month, I will pay for food the following month. When we had our first child, he was buying baby food and I was buying everything else concerning the kid.
When the baby falls sick and he takes care of the bill, the next visit to the hospital became mine to pay. Everything was split 50/50. As I said, we didn’t have any conversation about it. It was something that happened because both of us were earning almost the same income. I didn’t complain. He also didn’t say anything that suggested that he had issues with that arrangement until it got to a point I realize I needed more from the marriage than he was giving.
My parents were living in a family house. It got to a point I felt it was an insult for me to let my parents live at that place. The house was in a mess. When it rained they couldn’t sleep. I spent a whole lot of money on repair works but nothing worked in that house. I decided to rent a new place for them. I got them a two-bedroom house they could both live comfortably. I paid for it but before that, I discussed it with my husband and he agreed it was the right thing to do. I even reminded him of the promise he made. I said, “It’s about time we started working on the house we agreed to build for them. They are old people. They don’t require anything grand. Let’s get a piece of land close by and build them something immediately before their rent runs out.” He responded nasally but did nothing to support the idea.
Everything concerning the living situation of my parents was left to me to handle. I struggled and got the land. I asked him, “I want to start as soon as possible. How much are you going to contribute for us to get it done?” He said, “Your own parents’ house too you want me to contribute? I contribute to everything in this house. I don’t ask you to support my parents so why do you want me to support something you’re doing for your own parents? If I get something, I will give it to you but it’s not compulsory that I have to support.” I was stunned. I said, “Moses, I thought that was the agreement right from the beginning?” He said, “Things have changed. We have responsibilities of our own. We need to look at that also.”
He made me feel like I was asking for too much. Two years later when my parents’ rent expired, I had very little money on me. I was struggling. I asked him to help. He said, “Give me some time.” Two months later he didn’t give me anything. When I asked again he said, “So you mean you still haven’t paid for their rent? Your own parents rent you’re waiting for me before you pay?” I got hurt. I sat him down and spoke my heart out to him that day; “Dear, we split everything in this house. I don’t complain. We are a couple. I understand the need to support you and I will do everything to support you. This is the time I also need your support. If you can’t it’s ok but stop using that phrase, “Your own parents.” They are your in-laws too. You can’t sleep comfortably whiles they struggle. Your good conscience should prick you on that.”
Of all the things I said that day, he picked only a phrase, relied on it to discredit all the good points I made. He shouted, “Why would you tell me that I don’t have a good conscience? It’s disrespectful to talk to your husband this way. Are they not your parents? Would they have slept on the street if you didn’t marry me?” I’m telling you the truth and you’re there attacking my conscience.” He fought his way out of the discussion. When we were dating, it wasn’t like that. We never fought but I guess marriage and its responsibilities change people.
I could afford a year’s rent so I spoke to the landlord and paid for a year. Their rent will expire in January next year. I don’t have the money to renew—I have it but I’m using it to build a small house for them on the land I purchased. That means, I wouldn’t have any money left for me to renew their rent, so this is what I intend to do.
I want to tell my husband that my parents want to come and live in their house so we should find a new place and rent. Technically, the house belongs to my parents. The land and building documents were made in their names. They have every right to lay claim to the building. I want to ask my husband to be a man and rent a place for his own wife and a child. I don’t mind if he asks me to support. I will contribute for us to get a new place to rent. The best thing for me now is to know that my parents are living comfortably just like his parents are living. I don’t know what he’s going to say or do but I want to stand on my ground and push us out so my parents can come and live here. Is it a good idea? If he doesn’t want to help my parents, then he should be ready to help himself and his family.
I want to also look into his eyes and say, “Your own family, you can’t afford to rent a place for them to live?” If he decides to help my parents, I will change my mind but if he decides to play hardball, I will play the same with him. I hope I’m making the right decision. Tell me something.
–Agyeiwaa
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Test
When it comes to money, there is IQ and EQ. EQ being the emotional part of our relationship with money. From this story I can tell you have a higher EQ with money than your husband has and that really is the cause of the split right down the middle and leaving you to foot the bills.
You’ve done it soo long and if I may say he inwardly feels inferior to you when it comes to money that’s why he seems to subtly use it to control you. Most men’s egos are fed by the amount of money they have and are able to laud it over their partner.
I think bringing your parents to live with you is a good idea whilst you try and finish their house. But having a conversation where you start demanding he pays for rent etc would just complicate your relationship at this time and cause him to start acting up in ways that might strain the marriage further.
my advise is that you make accommodations to bring your folks to live with you at lease for a year whist you quietly push to finish them their own home. In the process you should find a nice and subtly way to also start leaving bills to him to foot. For example. You can tell him this month that you need him to help pay for the utilities since you have to increase the food cost for the home especially with your parents around. In a scenario like that he wouldn’t find it threatening but it would a smart way to put more money into the building. The next month you switch from water bill to food, next month you switch from food to kids school things, next to something that needs to be done in the house. All this while using they extra money you are saving from these little reliefs to finish your parents home.
Once you can stretch your self and get the home finished, you can now suggest that as a family you need to Move somewhere or start your building because your have decided to rent to house take care of your parents needs since they are old and still dependent on you. That I believe would be be a better strategy that forcefully trying to put your point across and demanding your fair share of contributions.
All the best
I was so pissed reading this
Your husband is very mean don’t be a weak woman I support you with the decision you have taken
Honestly you are really making the right decision but just know how to approach the matter, make sure it doesn’t bring argument and the thought of you telling him “you can’t afford rent for your family” I think its not a good idea.
Kindly, move out already and let your parents move in the house that was meant for them from the beginning. Seriously, anything for a parent! Additionally, it’s not so perfect that you guys are living in a house you build, so, technically your husband is riding on that luck, but you are there splitting bills 50/50, cheeei! Your parents don’t have an addition of 100years to what they already have, please give them the best when they still have time. It’s your own parents, girl! Your own parents!