I met Nana when I had just gained admission into university. I was young, naïve, free, and the world felt like my oyster. I knew he was married, not because he told me, but through a mutual acquaintance.

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When he first proposed, I firmly refused. I had no intention of dating a married man. But after two failed relationships, one where the man hid his marital status until I found out, and another where I caught him with another woman, I began to believe the world wasn’t fair. I decided to make choices that favored me. That’s when my relationship with Nana began.

A year into it, I told him I wanted to move on and find a single man with whom I could build a future. He didn’t want me to go, so he painted a beautiful picture for me to change my mind. He said he was already in the process of divorcing his wife. Once it was finalized, he, his kids, and I would move to the States and start a new life.

I hesitated. I didn’t want to be a stepmother to three boys who might grow up thinking I destroyed their parents’ marriage. But he assured me the divorce wasn’t about me; it was because of irreconcilable differences with his wife. He promised it would be over in two years, so I gave him the benefit of the doubt and waited.

Two years passed. The divorce didn’t happen. He asked for another six months. Then a year went by, still nothing. I stayed because I loved him, and because he treated me well. I convinced myself no relationship is perfect, so I stayed.

Then I found out his wife had a new baby. When I confronted him, he lied, saying the child was her nephew even though I knew he had said before she had no siblings which was part of why her mother opposed the divorce. Suddenly, she had a sister.

I stayed again, not because I was blind, but because he was my only connection to the job I have now.

Six years later, the relationship has stretched far beyond what he promised. Last year, he traveled abroad, promising to return in six months to perform our marriage rites. It’s been a year, and he hasn’t come back.

I gave him an ultimatum: come back and marry me as promised, or leave me alone. He had become too much of a “Konongo Kaya,” stuck, yet unwilling to let go so someone else could have me. I broke up with him three months ago.

Now he’s here with rings and promises. But I haven’t changed my mind.

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There are things I regret. There are choices I would make differently if I’d known then what I know now. But it’s too late. I’m sharing this story as a piece of advice to the lady dating a man who’s telling her he’s going to divorce his wife soon and come for her. Don’t let love blind you into waiting for something that may never happen.

—Audrey

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