They say when you love someone you embrace their flaws. If it is something that bothers you and everyone around them, you can tell them about it in case they don’t know it themselves. If it’s a sensitive subject, you say it in love so they know you are not trying to shame them. You just want them to do better.
It all sounds simple but in my experience, these things are easier said than done. If you don’t believe me ask yourself, how easy will you find it if you have to tell someone you care about that they have body odour? I am pretty sure if it could be done so simply, most of us wouldn’t walk around blocking the nostrils of others just because no one told us we don’t smell nice.
Now, that was just an example. I don’t have body odour, or I should say that no one has told me that I do. I don’t know anyone who has it either. My problem is in a similar category but is of a different nature. And it’s about my girlfriend.
We are in a long-distance relationship. Most of our conversations have been on the phone until we made arrangements for her to come and spend some time at my place. She was on leave so she agreed to spend two weeks with me. It was during that period that I had the most physical contact with her.
During her stay, I noticed an occasional issue with her breath. It wasn’t something that happened all the time but when it did, it was uncomfortable to be around her. I couldn’t tell if it was halitosis or something else that made her breath quite unpleasant. I did remember something she told me once.
She said, “A nosy elderly woman who owns a shop in my neighbourhood told me that when I am visiting you I should drink mouthwash, and put some in my bag.” She laughed while she said it because she took the woman’s words as a joke. That day she narrated the story I also laughed, but after spending time with her, I understood it was no joke. The woman was just trying to find a polite and loving way to tell her something unpleasant.
I love her so although the smell put me off, I wanted to help her make things better. But how could I help her without first having a conversation about it? As I said earlier, these kinds of things are too sensitive to talk about. I believed that was why I couldn’t mention it when I perceived it the first day she arrived.
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Despite the challenge, I tried to cope and even attempted intimacy with her. It wasn’t until it became too overwhelming for me to handle that I mustered the courage and sat her down. It was a difficult conversation but I was determined to see it through.
I fumbled with my words as I told her, “This thing I am about to tell you, I don’t mean it in a bad way. So no matter how much you don’t like it, don’t get upset or try to avoid me. I just want us to find a solution to the problem.” She urged me to go ahead amidst assurances like, “I will take it in good faith. I won’t get angry, I promise.” I said okay and went ahead to tell her everything. After a long discussion, she said, “Thank you for telling me this. I will make sure I take my oral hygiene seriously.”
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Despite her assurances not to avoid me, she has been avoiding me since the day we had the talk. When I tried to kiss her, she swerved it. She brushed her teeth at night but wouldn’t let me touch her. As I write this, we are in bed together, but she has positioned her head where my feet are, and her feet are where my head is.
I’m confused by her behavior. I am also worried that she might not return to visit me again. I honestly thought she would take the news well but now I am wondering if I shouldn’t have said anything. I was nice and loving about the discussion so why is she staying away from me? I want to know if there is anything I can do or say to smooth things over. I want her to feel comfortable around me so she can return again. How do I make it right?
— Kwame
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Let me tell you the truth. It is a trick to cover up her shame. She is not angry but embarrassed so she is trying to find a way to get back at you and make you feel bad… Something like, ‘you have scolded me but I want you to feel bad for scolding me even though you are right’ . If you really want to know the truth just tell her that what you said you’re sorry, you didn’t mean it the wrong way and comfort her.. she will come around…It is a girl something feom the many ladies I have encountered😂
You can encourage her to chew cloves after brushing her teeth . You can also do some. Cloves is a natural healer of bad breath, wounded gums etc.
Lemme be honest with you, the woman who told her to get mouth wash was not the first to to tell her, you’re not the 2nd and won’t be the last if she doesn’t find a solution to it. A lot of cases like this, I’ve heard and it ruined some relationships and friendships too. I once met a gal who had terrible bad odour. When she came visiting, she ruined the cool smell in my room with the odour cos it smell so bad. When she left, I was like maybe she forgot to use deodorant but 2nd time, I knew it’s a pattern for her. I seek a friends advice and he was “You have to tell her unless if you don’t like her” I sold her and it ended everything we had or shared. All you need to do is to tell her you’re sorry before she leaves and let her know it was never ur intentions to make her feel bad. If she leaves and stopped talking to you, you know what to do.
You l did the right thing. Your mother raised you well and she should be very proud of you. I don’t know how many people will have the balls to have such delicate conversations, myself included. The fact that you did, means you are exalted over men. She is obviously embarrassed but just as you managed to have the first conversation, sit her down and reassure her that it was your love for her that encouraged you to have that conversation and you also want her to be always upfront with you about your shortcomings as well. She will likely come around but if even she doesn’t don’t feel bad and promise that you will do same if such a situation comes up again.