They say when you love someone you embrace their flaws. If it is something that bothers you and everyone around them, you can tell them about it in case they don’t know it themselves.  If it’s a sensitive subject, you say it in love so they know you are not trying to shame them. You just want them to do better.

It all sounds simple but in my experience, these things are easier said than done. If you don’t believe me ask yourself, how easy will you find it if you have to tell someone you care about that they have body odour? I am pretty sure if it could be done so simply, most of us wouldn’t walk around blocking the nostrils of others just because no one told us we don’t smell nice.

Now, that was just an example. I don’t have body odour, or I should say that no one has told me that I do. I don’t know anyone who has it either. My problem is in a similar category but is of a different nature. And it’s about my girlfriend.

We are in a long-distance relationship. Most of our conversations have been on the phone until we made arrangements for her to come and spend some time at my place. She was on leave so she agreed to spend two weeks with me. It was during that period that I had the most physical contact with her.

During her stay, I noticed an occasional issue with her breath. It wasn’t something that happened all the time but when it did, it was uncomfortable to be around her. I couldn’t tell if it was halitosis or something else that made her breath quite unpleasant. I did remember something she told me once.

She said, “A nosy elderly woman who owns a shop in my neighbourhood told me that when I am visiting you I should drink mouthwash, and put some in my bag.” She laughed while she said it because she took the woman’s words as a joke. That day she narrated the story I also laughed, but after spending time with her, I understood it was no joke. The woman was just trying to find a polite and loving way to tell her something unpleasant.

I love her so although the smell put me off, I wanted to help her make things better. But how could I help her without first having a conversation about it? As I said earlier, these kinds of things are too sensitive to talk about. I believed that was why I couldn’t mention it when I perceived it the first day she arrived.

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Despite the challenge, I tried to cope and even attempted intimacy with her. It wasn’t until it became too overwhelming for me to handle that I mustered the courage and sat her down. It was a difficult conversation but I was determined to see it through.

I fumbled with my words as I told her, “This thing I am about to tell you, I don’t mean it in a bad way. So no matter how much you don’t like it, don’t get upset or try to avoid me. I just want us to find a solution to the problem.” She urged me to go ahead amidst assurances like, “I will take it in good faith. I won’t get angry, I promise.” I said okay and went ahead to tell her everything. After a long discussion, she said, “Thank you for telling me this. I will make sure I take my oral hygiene seriously.”


Despite her assurances not to avoid me, she has been avoiding me since the day we had the talk. When I tried to kiss her, she swerved it. She brushed her teeth at night but wouldn’t let me touch her. As I write this, we are in bed together, but she has positioned her head where my feet are, and her feet are where my head is.

I’m confused by her behavior. I am also worried that she might not return to visit me again. I honestly thought she would take the news well but now I am wondering if I shouldn’t have said anything. I was nice and loving about the discussion so why is she staying away from me? I want to know if there is anything I can do or say to smooth things over. I want her to feel comfortable around me so she can return again. How do I make it right?

— Kwame

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