I’ve been married for two years now, but my wife and I have been together for five. In the beginning, I was the attention-seeking one. That’s who I am naturally. I like being present when I’m with someone. When we were dating, I was very intentional about bonding with her on an emotional level. I was consistent with morning greetings. In the course of the day, I would call her to check in. Even when we spoke at night, I would send her bedtime messages.

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I was the one who always said, “I love you” at the end of every call or text, just to let her know how I felt, even if I was in the middle of work or around people.

In return? She would respond, “Me too or same here.” Sometimes she didn’t respond. She would say, “I’m with my mom or siblings. It bothered me a great deal. When I asked her about it she said, “I don’t just throw those words around. When I say ‘I love you,’ I want it to come from a real place. It loses its value if I say it too often.”

I asked her, “So what if I’m not in a lovely mood when you say it? Does it mean I shouldn’t say it back?”

“It won’t matter to me if you don’t say it. The point is, I meant it when I said it.” She said.

That sounded logical to her but I found the emotional imbalance worrying. I kept trying so hard to get her to reciprocate my gestures but she remained frigid. I remember telling her one day, “The little things you do make me love you more, but the little things you ignore kill the love.”

This wasn’t about money or grand gestures. All I wanted was for her to give me attention and match my efforts. How hard could that have been?

Well, when I got tired, I gave up on the things I used to beg her for. I understand that different home trainings shape us differently, but I also believe that if you care, you’ll make the effort to learn, grow, and meet your partner halfway.

I have a high sex drive, and she… not so much. She could go months without it. A year even, if she wasn’t in the mood. So I started taking matters into my own hands. Sometimes I did it in the bathroom. Other times I did it right in front of her. She wouldn’t budge. There were times I literally had to beg for what I later called “pity sex.”

I thought marriage would change things, but oh boy, I was wrong. She didn’t seem interested in meeting me halfway emotionally or physically. So I stopped complaining and started loving myself instead. Even this morning, before heading to work, I took matters into my own hands again.

Now when I started getting used to being by myself, she started wanting my attention again. She’d ask me to stay home more, and work remotely just so I’d be around her. But by then, I had emotionally clocked out.

My focus had changed. I wasn’t trying to be the romantic partner anymore. I was just trying to be a decent provider and a present father. I don’t have a fixed salary, so I’m always on the move—taking up gigs in graphic design, digital marketing, construction, and even project management, while juggling school too.

She’s a hairstylist and makeup artist. Her business hasn’t really picked up yet, but she supports me when she can. During my slow months, she steps in.

We are partners in the traditional sense of the word but I have detached from her. Now she complains, “You don’t give me the attention I deserve anymore.”

I also tell her, “When you treat me like a King, I’ll also treat you like a Queen.”

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And I meant that. Back then, she was not the least bit intentional about me. When it’s time for breakfast, she breaks my bread with her hands as if it was the Last Supper, even though there’s a perfectly fine bread knife in the kitchen she can use. Sometimes she’d use the bread to cover my tea like a lid. What happened to putting it on a plate?

I didn’t ask for much. Would it have hurt her to make me a decent breakfast before I’d go to work? Or pack a lunch for me every now and then? What about saying good morning to me? She couldn’t even bring herself to hug me when I got home from work.

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Now that I have stopped asking, she wants all of it. I think it’s too late. I’m in this marriage out of duty, not emotional fulfillment. When she is in the mood to play, I respond. I say ‘I love you’ when I genuinely feel it, but that’s as far as it goes.

I’ve made peace with whatever happens next. If she decides to leave, I won’t fight it. And if I’m being honest, I probably won’t marry again. I might co-parent, have baby mamas, do the whole shared custody thing, but the idea of signing up for a lifetime of emotional labour? I’m not sure I have it in me anymore.

—King

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