We got married in December and in January I lost my job. It was tragic for me. It was a dream job. The circumstances that led to my dismissal were unfair and not transparent so I decided to fight it. Every step I took to have it resolved required money I wasn’t ready to spend so at some point I gave up the chase and instead invested my energy into looking for another job. I had the experience and I had the qualification but it became very hard to get a job that paid enough for my qualifications. To make matters worse, I found out along the line that I was pregnant.

The joy the pregnancy brought to us as a couple was so huge my husband told me to relax on the job search and rather give my all to the pregnancy. I listened to him. I stopped pursuing work and instead pursued what would bring happiness to my marriage. It was new. I had invested a lot into it and needed to nurture it the way I wanted.

I was pregnant and not working but I was the one taking care of the house. I was paying all the bills that needed to be paid while my husband gave me excuses and reasons why he couldn’t pay for this or that. I understood him. His job didn’t pay much and he had some loans to repay. As a supporting wife, I did what I had to do to keep the wheels of our marriage going.

I gave birth to a girl. She was six months old and I was about to hit the road to look for a job when I realized I was pregnant again. I had no money at that point and needed a job to keep me afloat so I didn’t stop looking for a job. I was three months pregnant when I attended an interview. I had the job but the money wasn’t anything to write home about. I still wanted to take it but my husband said, “No, don’t take it. It’s not worth it. I’ve finished paying my loan. I should be able to take care of us until you’re good to get a job again.”

One evening I took his phone from his hands while he was asleep. He was using it until he fell asleep so his phone was still in his hands. When I took it, I saw messages that got me interested. I went in and dived into all the messages on his phone. I saw things. I saw what should have killed me or what should have made me miscarry my unborn child. He was talking to three different women. They’ve exchanged nudes. In one of the chats, the girl asked, “Why do you film us when we are doing it?”

I went to his gallery and saw some of the clips on his phone. It was nasty. To hear your husband is cheating can do something to your heart but to see him in the act with different women changes you. It turns you into a living dead because at that moment you won’t feel your heart beating or your hands moving or your eyes seeing. Everything that moves on you stops for a while. It feels like you’re frozen but not with ice but with fire. You’ll be cold and sweating at the same time.

I was about seven months pregnant. I didn’t want to make a huge fight out of it and cause pain to myself so when he woke up I asked him, “I know I’ve been pregnant for the best part of our marriage but is there something I’m not doing as a wife that makes you seek pleasure in other women?”

He knew I had gone through his phone and he knew I knew everything so there was no reason to lie. He told me, “I was hiding it from you out of the respect and love I have for you. Now you know and it’s not my fault that you know. Deal with it.”

What I saw didn’t kill me but his answer did. A piece of me died and even as I write my story, that piece is still dead and buried. I screamed. I got furious. Had it not been the pregnancy, I would have fought him. In the night when I went to bed and thought about everything, I accepted his answer. “Yes, it’s my fault. I shouldn’t have seen it. I’m pregnant and can’t do any of the things these women were doing for him. After delivery, I’ll be at my best and give him everything. He will change.”

I didn’t discuss it with him again. I stopped being angry. I treated him with love and without resentment. I paid homage to him as the head of the family and did everything right just to keep my king happy. It didn’t change him or change his cheating ways. At first, he was hiding it but now he leaves clues. He leaves trails of his cheating behaviour for me to know that indeed he’s cheating.

I told myself, “Men are like that. Men cheat. As a wife, I have to put myself in order to stop him from cheating.”

After delivery, I started dieting. My baby needed breast milk but I was scared to give him so much because I was thinking of the aesthetic of my breast. I didn’t want my breast to fall completely because the women I saw in the videos had perky breasts. As a nursing mother as I was, I resorted to eating salad, eating small portions and exercising so I could be in good shape as soon as possible to compete.

I was looking good. My mirror told me so. I was cooking his favourite meals. I washed for him. I clean after him. I slaved just to get his attention but he was always looking elsewhere. My parents started complaining. My friends questioned why I was looking gaunt. My dad asked if my husband was starving me. I laughed them off. I told them I was fine.

I didn’t stop checking on my husband’s phone. I wanted to see the ladies. I wanted to learn from them. I wanted to see the styles they give him. I wanted to see their bodies so I keep mine the same way. It was confusing. They didn’t come in the same shape. Some were thin. Some were fat. Some were dark while others were fair. Some had Fupa bigger than mine. I didn’t know what my husband wanted and that left me frustrated. So when one day my mom asked the usual question, I broke down and narrated everything to her.

She opened her mouth. She called it lies. I told her I had evidence. She asked, “And you’re still there with him?” I answered, “I love him. I will win him over and bring him home.” She asked, “Ain’t you scared of diseases? STDs, remember?” I told her, “If I die I will die with him. Maybe it’s God’s way of ensuring I keep my vows. For better, for worse.” My mom thought I was crazy. I thought she was too old to understand. She told me she would pray for me but in the end, I would have to decide for myself.

One day, I sent the kids to her so I could go out with my husband. I asked my mom to give me a loan. She asked what for and I told her I wanted to pay for the outing. “Men love to be taken care of. I haven’t been able to take care of my husband since we got married because I’m jobless. I want to pay so he’ll know I’ll do it when I get money.”

My mom called my dad and told him what I’d said. My dad called me into the room and they locked the room. My dad screamed, “Are you stupid or you’ve been bewitched? What has come over you? Can’t you see you’ve lost yourself? You are not going anywhere today.”

He called my husband on the phone and told him I wasn’t coming home for a while. He didn’t ask why. He just said OK.

I saw my mom crying. My dad was clenching his teeth. My mom gave me food and I ate it like a pig. All night she was on me, praying for me and advising me to seek help. I wasn’t listening to her. I was thinking of the freedom they’d given my husband to go after other women. I was imagining him bringing the ladies home. They were using our kitchen. They were wearing my dress while cleaning the house. I said it in my head, “It’s your time. Enjoy it. When I come home, it’s over for all of you. I’ll take my husband away from you.”

I spent weeks with my parents and my husband didn’t call once to ask what the problem was. My mom was praying for me. My dad was sitting next to me advising me. My siblings came around on weekends and had a huge family reunion. My parents didn’t tell them what I was going through but they saw the shadows of my problems from the way I looked. I was happy. I was free. For a while, I wasn’t thinking about my husband. I was breaking free.

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My dad came home one day and gave me a number to call. I did and the man invited me to his office. He asked for my CV and I sent it to him from my phone. He was like, “Impressive! So why are you home all these while?” I told him I had a young family to raise and he understood me. He gave me a job even without an interview. He asked, “When can you start?” I answered, “I will call you when I get home.”

On the way home, I called my husband and told him the good news. He wasn’t enthused. I asked him, “So when can I start?” He answered, “You’re living with your father so ask him that question.”

I went home to my dad and he told me, “This job should make you see why you don’t need a man who treats you the way your husband does.”

I went home, pack a few of my things and left. I sent him a message; “If you want this marriage to work, we’ll need to talk. Call me after work today. If you don’t call then it means you don’t want this marriage again. I’ll advise myself.”

He didn’t call. I cried myself to sleep that night. In the morning when I woke up, I told myself, “I will leave to live. It’s better that way.”

It took him several weeks to come to my parent’s house to look for me. I was way out of the marriage and I told him. He said, “You can’t be serious. I’m the one who ought to be angry and not you.” I said, “Watch me.” He turned to my dad and my dad walked away. He turned to my mom and she chuckled and blinked at him. He realized he had no support in my home so he brought his own support to plead his case.

After I finished telling them what I’d been through, his father asked, “So why are we here? Why did you bring us here if this is the true story?” They left with their tails in between their legs.

That marriage is over and today, anytime I look back, it pains my soul that it took me six years to realize I was in a toxic marriage. I apologize to myself for putting me through this lot. I look at my kids and apologize to them for choosing such a man as their father. I run to my dad and mom and thank them profusely for their saving powers. I wasted six years of my life just so I could prove what cannot be proven; that a woman can change a cheating husband. To date, he hasn’t given me any reason why he did what he did.

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I’m happy in this place in my life. He brings nothing to the table. He doesn’t pay fees and doesn’t do anything for the kids. People tell me to take him to social welfare and other places to enforce my right. I tell them, “I’m so ashamed to tell anyone that I once married such a man. I wish I could erase that. I wish I could unmake him the father of my kids but I can’t. I’m happy he’s staying away from us. I can do the rest. I can take care of them. They don’t have a father and it’s OK.

—Mamle

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