I have a four-month-old baby. Just two weeks after she was born, when we were still wrapping our heads around her, wrapped up in the beauty of having her in our lives, my father-in-law died. It was sudden. Not expected. And as a result, we couldn’t have a normal birth naming ceremony. You wouldn’t want to seem inconsiderate while we were all still mourning that pivotal man who held the family down.

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Then, my husband travelled to his village. He said that he was going to check on his father’s farm. But information reaching me is that he is gallivanting around like he is not a married man. Sometimes, he is at the bar with lots of women. Sometimes, it is a hotel. People see him enter and come out like it is a bathroom, and he is living there. I learnt all of this two weeks into his stay there. He doesn’t even call often, and when you ask him what the reason is, he comes up with the excuse that his phone is giving him issues. I mean, so many things.

I was already fighting with him over it until this past Saturday, when his elder brother caught him in the act. Apparently, his brother was always informing people about his brother’s behaviour, and one of those people called to tell me. I had already heard the news, but his brother seeing it with his own eyes and spreading it shatters me in ways I still can’t understand. Worst of all, this same man is denying the truth. So what is he trying to say, that his brother is lying to me?

I feel hurt and disappointed to the extent that I don’t know what to do. Now this is my worry: I don’t have peace within me. I can’t eat properly. My heart beats faster than normal. I’m scared I might get pressure. I’m a breastfeeding mum and I can’t even eat well. What do I do to get my sanity back? I don’t think I can forgive him. Right now, I’m worried about myself. I don’t want to get sick, but I can’t stop thinking. I’m fighting a battle within myself.

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His mum has called to apologise. She said that I should be calm for the sake of the kids, we have two together, so that after the funeral, which is in March, we can have a conversation about it. Calm is not what I need. My mum is aware, but she too is advising me to calm down because it might not be true. His own brother is saying that it is true? They are trying to get me to forgive him, but no, I can’t. And it’s really haunting me. What do I do now, because I’m worried about my sanity? Why is this affecting me more than it should? I mean, I should be focusing on my baby, right?

—Stella

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