About a year ago, my mother introduced me to a man who lives abroad. She told me, “He is looking for a wife so talk to him, and let’s see how it goes.” I didn’t want to write the man off before I got the chance to know him so I agreed to talk to him. The first time we spoke, It was dry and boring. We had nothing in common so it was hard for me to connect with him. Besides, this man is seventeen years older than me. It’s too big of an age difference for me.
Nonetheless, our conversations didn’t end there. We spoke again and we spoke more often as time passed. All the times we spoke, the man did not tell me he had any romantic interests in me. It was just regular check-ins. On days we spoke for long, it was just about our daily lives. He never even hinted that he was interested in getting married. This gave me relief because I knew I would turn him down if he proposed.
I was there one evening when my mum told me, “The man you’ve been talking to on the phone has asked for your hand in marriage. What do you have to say about that?” My mother’s voice rose in excitement when she asked this question. I imagined her doing a little dance when the man told her he wanted to marry me. I imagined her picturing how glorious the wedding would be. And I imagined how disappointed she would feel after I told her I wouldn’t marry the man.
As much as I hated to disappoint her, I told her; “I am sorry but I can’t marry someone I have no feelings for. It won’t be fair to either me or him.” My mum didn’t like my response. It was as if I had just snatched her lifelong dream from her. She said, “I am not asking you to marry him for love. The goal is for you to get to the USA after he marries you. You can divorce him when you get there.” I didn’t feel right about my mother’s proposal. I felt she was saying all these things out of desperation. I even felt bad for the man.
I didn’t want to marry someone I didn’t love let alone live with him and dump him when I get to the USA. When I explained this to her, she got angry with me. She became hostile and constantly picked fights with me. I knew she was doing all this to emotionally manipulate me into marrying the man but it just wasn’t something I was willing to do.
The man came to Ghana last year but I didn’t marry him as my mum wanted and so he returned to the USA. Honestly, if I had an iota of love for him, then I might have considered marrying him. But how can I marry someone just because I want to be a USA citizen without thinking about his feelings first? I’m not a bad person so I can’t do that. Besides, I wouldn’t wish that on my enemy. That’s why I didn’t marry him.
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My mum was enraged. She accused me of letting her suffering be in vain. “This man came all the way here and you sent him away. You are a disgrace,” she ranted. I was hurt by the things she said but I tried to move past it. I told myself that with time, she would come to accept my decision and understand that I did the right thing.
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Last week Sunday, I was at home when my mum called to tell me the man had gotten married. “If you had agreed to marry him, you would have been his Mrs with US citizenship in the pipeline for you. Now look at you, at twenty-six you have no job, no money, and no husband. You don’t even have a boyfriend to call your own. Is this the kind of life you want for yourself?” I haven’t stopped crying since that phone call.
Days have passed but I am still crying. A part of me feels like I should have just married him like that but the other part is telling me I did the right thing. Who knows how terribly I would have frustrated him if I went ahead with the marriage? I feel so lost, especially now that I am unemployed and my mother is rubbing it in my face. Please tell me, did I do the right thing by not marrying him? Or am I a fool like my mother is making me believe?
—Nana
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You did the right thing. It’s okay to feel hurt about your mother’s verbal abuse. You really did the right thing. You may have saved your life. Not many people take divorce well. Some won’t mind murdering you for deceiving them. You have life, you have hope.
What is the difference between a woman who marries for money and the other who sleeps with the man for money. You did the right thing. What your mother is asking of you is incorrigible, especially asking you to divorce the man once you get to the US. You are better off keeping your conscience intact. Move past it and open yourself up to love. Be firm with your mother and keep her at bay. I’m afraid, her scruples are nothing to write home about. In fact, she has none.
Your mother probably wants you dead by giving you that ill-informed advice. Has she not heard how people shoot their spouses for dumping them when they get to the US??
You did the right thing. From my understanding, you grew up without a father. If there was a father, this could not happen. Do not repeat the same mistake your mother did. Make sure your children have a father who can speak sense and protect them from such pressures. That starts by marrying someone you love and want to be with forever. If you marry then divorce, this cycle your mother started will never stop.
You did what’s best for and what’s best for him as well.You are the best person any man would want,l am 31 living in a foreign country and not financially stable but if l were l would get to know you better and marry you right away.Your mother is not right though in her mindset she wants whats best you yet in a selfish way.I would like to know you better and become your friend if possible.