We first met at a food joint closer to our work premises. He tried picking up a conversation with me and I went along with it because he was overly nice to me. It was a queue, but he allowed me to jump queue. He said something like, “A beautiful girl like you don’t deserve to be in a queue. You should be served immediately you get here.” The other guys there agreed with him so I went ahead of him. When I was about to pay he said he would pay. We argued it out and I ended up paying for myself because I wasn’t comfortable. I didn’t know him that much to allow him to spend on me. When I was leaving, he turned back and looked at me. When our eyes met, I waved at him and he waved back. The way he was happy got me excited. I said in my head, “Guys and the little things that make them happy.”

From that day it became a constant thing. Anytime I went to buy food I met him there and we talked for a while. He would heap praises on me, complimenting everything about me; “I love your dress. You look pretty in black. Please wear it often.” The following day it would be my shoes or my hair or something I haven’t thought was beautiful. He told me his name was James and he worked in the facility closer to my office. I told him my name too; “I’m Adobea…” He said, “No wonder you carry this grace around you. Every Adobea I’ve met in life has it. You deserve your name and everything that comes with it.”

One day we exchanged contacts.

His first message to me was, “I’ve been waiting for you here but it looks like today you’re late. Ain’t you coming?” I answered, “No I’m not coming. I’m on leave.” He sounded disappointed that he wasn’t going to see me that day. He asked how long I was going to be away and I told him, “I’m using the leave to pursue something on the side so I’ve taken all my leave for the year.” There was this sound of disappointment in his voice when he said, “Oh wow.” I told him I was only a call away and always ready to talk to him on the phone. 

He called me in the morning to ask about my night. He called in the afternoon and said something like, “Because you’re not around, I don’t have the urge to even visit the food joint.” In the evening we will stay on the phone talking about anything that crossed our minds. Every day throughout my leave, James called me and we talked. He had this huge sense of humour and made it easier to have a very long conversation with him. As time went on, I started developing feelings for him and it was obvious that he had feelings for me too. One day he asked for a date and I granted it. I thought he was going to propose that day but he didn’t do it.

On our second date, I asked the question that was plaguing my mind since I developed an interest in him; “Do you have a girlfriend? I mean a woman in your life who makes it difficult for you to see another woman?” I asked that question because I didn’t understand his hesitation in proposing to me. We’d been talking for over three months and through the months he had given me a lot of cues that said he was interested in me. His answer was, “No I don’t have a girlfriend.” Then he took a long pause before adding, “It’s been very rough for me when it comes to relationships. Two women cheated on me with my friends. The last one stole my money and later gaslighted me. Later I got to know she was already in a relationship with a guy for three years before I even proposed to her.”

Because he told me his story, I also told him my story and how it had been very rough for me too. I’ve only had two boyfriends in my life. I dated the first one for six years before he ghosted me and later got married to another woman. The second one loved alcohol more than he loved me and made me aware that he would always choose alcohol over me. The relationship lasted for a year. After telling him my story, I thought I’d paved the way for him to make a move but this guy never did. He kept calling to check up on me, taking me on nice dates that ended in nothing. At some point, I felt he was the kind of man who finds it difficult to propose to a woman so I proposed to him.

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I said, “we’ve been here for a while now. You know me and I know you. I know you like me and I like you too but someone has to be vocal about it so we know the next step to take. I love you. I love how you care about me and want to be with me. I love your story and want to be the woman who turns things around in your life. I’m not like those girls who disappointed you. Maybe it’s the reason you’re not able to tell me your feelings. I love you and want us to be together. What do you also say?”

He said, “Wow! You’re very bold. I’ve never had a woman propose to me before. Thank you for doing this and you’re right about everything you said. I’m taking it slowly with you because I really didn’t know how you were feeling about me and I wasn’t also sure if my mind was in the right place for love. I’m grateful you can take the lead. I’m happy.” I asked him, “So we are in a relationship, right?” He answered, “Of course, why not?”

His answer and his actions didn’t match. I’m not a smart girl but I always look at what people do than what they say. The way he shrugged his shoulders and tilted his head didn’t look like someone who was happy about us being in a relationship so I told him, “You don’t have to give me your answer right away. Maybe you were caught unaware. Just have some time to yourself and gather your thoughts together and see if you really want to do this. I’m always here for you.” He said, “I’m ok but it’s fine. We’ll talk extensively about it.”

He changed towards me.

He didn’t call like he used to. Even when I sent him a text, he took his time to respond to me. When we met at the food joint, he didn’t treat me like he used to and to make matters worse, his friends would be looking at me and whispering to each other. The whole thing started looking weird so I called him one day and I apologized to him, “If I said something bad to you, I’m sorry. Your current behaviour is making me regret everything I said that day. I’m not like that. I’m not a woman who goes after men but I thought you and I had something different that’s why I went all out on you but it looks like the worse decision to take. Please forgive me and let’s pretend it didn’t happen.”

My Friend With Benefits Is Pregnant For Me But That’s Not The Issue–Beads Media

He told me he wasn’t thinking that way but rather taking his time so he doesn’t get it wrong as he did with the other girls. I told him not to worry again because I’d withdrawn my proposal. He was like, “No you don’t have to. I was about to reach a conclusion about us. Don’t be angry. We can work this out.”

I wasn’t ready to work anything out. To me, we had nothing to work out but this guy had been on me every day, calling me not to change my mind because he loves me dearly. Honestly, I don’t feel the same way about him again. The way he reacted to my proposal exposed some weaknesses in him that I can’t deal with. I’ve told him severally that I’m not going to do it again but James keeps coming, begging for one last chance as if his life depends on my answer. I know what I want and what I want is not an indecisive man. What can I do to get him off my back without sounding insulting or disrespectful?

–Adobea

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