He ticked all my boxes. He was exactly everything I wanted in a man. I looked at all his amazing qualities and said, “Finally, I have met the man I want to spend the rest of my life with.” Our connection was beautiful. I was so excited about the kind of intimacy we shared that I did not pay attention to physical attraction. What I mean is, that I did not stop to consider whether or not I felt aroused by him.

We courted for ten months and got married in the eleventh month. Before we tied the knot, we had Shuperu a few times. All those times we did it, I was not properly lubricated. He did all the right things but my body just did not react to him enough to secrete the juices needed to make the experience pleasurable. I ended up getting hurt every time.

I did not take it seriously when this happened. I just convinced myself that I was experiencing low sex drive. It happens when there’s a lot going on in a person’s life. And with the marriage preparations and everything I was handling, I just labeled my lack of arousal as stress-induced.

When we finally got married too, I didn’t feel anything when he touched me. The only time my body reacted to him was when I had drunk alcohol. So I became reluctant whenever he wanted to have intimacy. I would tell him, “I can’t do it today. I have a headache.” On other days I would use the classic excuse, “My red river is flowing so we can’t do it.”

He got suspicious when the excuses kept getting unreasonable as time passed. I could get my “period” two weeks apart. This continued until I got pregnant and had a baby. After the baby arrived, I even stopped yearning for intimacy. I look at the beautiful man I married and feel no desire. It was as if he was made of wood. Or maybe I was made of wood.

Sometimes when we are doing it, it’s nice. But when we finish, I get bruises. That’s why he has to talk, talk, and talk before I give consent to do it. He hates it when this happens but I can’t help it.

I have gone to buy some aphrodisiacs to help me get in the mood but it doesn’t work. My husband does a lot of foreplay but I still end up as dry as a cactus by the time he is ready to go all in. When it gets to that point, I don’t want to leave him hanging so I just let him do it anyway, knowing very well that my kitty would end up bruised.

A while ago, I came into contact with an ex-boyfriend of mine. We reminisced about the good old days and the conversation got sexual. While we were talking I realized that I was getting wet so I just cut off communication with him. As tempting as it was, I didn’t want to go down that rabbit hole.

Even though that conversation was wrong, it taught me that my body is not broken. I don’t have a low libido like I believed. I just don’t have sexual feelings for my husband. He is still the good man I married. It’s been two years since we said our marriage vows yet nothing about him has changed. I should be basking in marital bliss but here I am, the only way I enjoy Shuperu with my man and not get hurt afterward is if I drink alcohol.

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He sat me down the other day and asked me, “What do I do so wrong in the bedroom that you always turn me away when I am in the mood? Sometimes I have to talk and suffer before you let me do it even once. Do you not love me?” It was hard for me to admit but I couldn’t keep lying to him.

I came clean, “Of course I love you. You are all I have ever wanted in a man. I couldn’t have asked for a better husband than you. It’s just that I am not attracted to you sexually. I am trying to make it work but I don’t feel anything when you touch me.” He was hurt. He told me, “I think you just liked me because I ticked all your boxes. But you don’t actually love me. If you did, the attraction would come naturally.” He blames me for putting us in this situation.

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He said I should have let him go when I knew right from the start that a problem like this existed. He is asking for a separation. “I don’t understand why I should have a wife that I cannot sleep with,” he says. I am just as hurt and sad as he is. I feel so drained by this issue.

I want to know if it is normal that I love my husband but feel nothing for him sexually. Is there a remedy for this problem? If there is anything I can do to resolve this, I will gladly do it. I am so afraid that this thing will result in a divorce.

—Venus

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