There is no perfect marriage on earth. Every marriage has its own peculiarities, and that was something I kept at the back of my mind even before I said “I do.” My main reason for choosing him was the fact that I believed he was a Christian and that he would treat me right. The Bible admonishes husbands to love their wives just as Christ loved the church, so when I agreed to marry him, I was certain he would live by that. Is that not what a Christian does? Attractiveness and financial status were never deciding factors. I looked beyond his imperfections. I had no grand expectations, but I believed each passing day would be better than the last because we would make a conscious effort to prioritize each other’s needs.

Unfortunately for me, that has never happened. Or perhaps it has yet to happen. And I have been beating myself up for not making a better choice.

Sometimes I ask myself: is it worth compromising your standards at all? Or should you go strictly by your list of preferences and make sure your future spouse fits perfectly before taking that step? I wish I had an answer. One thing I vowed to myself was never to write someone off based on their current situation, but now I wonder if that is always right.

Now, more often than not, I find myself telling a friend who is yet to marry that she should relax and pray for God’s timing to bring the right partner, because one of the most heartbreaking things in life is to endure your marriage instead of enjoying it.

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I have tried repeatedly to put in effort to salvage our situation, but I give up quickly when I realize my efforts are taken for granted or not reciprocated in the way I hope. It takes two to tango, so of course I cannot make this work all by myself. How can you find a solution without first identifying the cause? I am tired of talking, because it feels so demeaning to be labeled a “nag” when you are only voicing your concerns.

I hate having to constantly say, “I want this,” or, “I hate that.” When everything is always about you, things turn a certain way. When your man is not ready to hear hard truths and address them, how can issues be solved? When a spouse is reluctant to accept correction and become a better version of himself, what do you do?

Some men are sensitive enough to tell when something is not right with their spouse. But when you are with someone who does not even seem to see your presence, let alone read your actions to sense something is wrong, the only option is to sit him down and talk. How long can you keep sitting someone down to talk about the same issues, over and over? It is exhausting and emotionally draining.

How can I relax and follow the lead of someone who has disappointed me on several occasions? I expected the man in my life to take charge. And yet this same person will tell you that you are too independent. I always have to be on guard, because if I do not plan and handle certain things concerning my well being and that of our girls, I may be left ashamed. All you hear from your man, who is supposed to be the head of the family and the leader, is “I have plans,” without seeing anything tangible accomplished. So of course, I handle things independently, even though I am married.

Who on earth would not like to be pampered and treated right, to have that one person who always has your back? Someone to run to in joy or sadness, someone who has your welfare at heart, someone who encourages you to achieve more and be a better version of yourself. Definitely every woman would love that, and I am no exception.

From the day I married, I did everything with the thought that there was someone else to consider. That lasted until the day all my good deeds, or so I thought, were rubbished, and I decided to do otherwise. When you are married to an ungrateful person, nothing you do is appreciated. Even cooking meals, not even with his money, and then telling my husband to come eat was something that offended him, because I did not ask him what he wanted first. It has been four years since I heard those heart piercing words, but it feels like yesterday.

Ever since he made that derogatory statement, I decided never to prepare anything for him without his consent. Not out of spite, but for my own self respect. Ensuring there was always food at home had become an offense.

Whenever I talk to my husband, I have to be extra cautious not to offend him, because this man gets offended even when I am playing with him. Every word is scrutinized. I cannot be myself when speaking with him. Is that not draining? Meanwhile, he is not concerned about how he communicates with me.

I am an intentional woman. I do everything with the thought that there is someone else to consider. I even groom myself with that in mind. I want to look good because I share my life with someone. So tell me, is it too much to ask the man in your life to be intentional about things concerning you?

You crave companionship, effective communication, bonding, sharing of ideas, planning and succeeding together, but you never get it. Is marriage just for sex, cooking, cleaning, and birthing? I want more, but it seems I am complaining too much and being selfish.

I feel no connection or bond with my husband, and that makes it difficult to enjoy intimacy. For me, I have to be emotionally, physically, and mentally connected to my partner to enjoy being together. Am I odd? Am I asking for too much? How can I be attracted to you when there is no communication to even understand each other’s emotional or sexual needs? You can never assume for anyone.

Imagine being in a room for hours with your man and he does not chat or spend cozy moments with you. Then you go to bed and he starts getting touchy and wants it. It means, indirectly, that I am there to render it as a service, not something born out of love or companionship. You voice your worries and your concerns are trivialized every time, making you think your feelings are not worth sharing. Why would I confide in you or trust you with my fears?

My main problem is not based on what he does, but on what he does not do. People think if a man does not smoke, drink, physically abuse, or cheat, then the woman has no problem. To the best of my knowledge, he does not do any of those things. And yet, I am not enjoying this marriage. When you hear him talking on the phone with others, laughing, you might think he is the best man on earth. I do not remember the last time I had a hearty laugh with my husband.

He has a pastoral role at church, so everyone would think I am the problem. I have battled depression, and it has taken God’s grace to help me keep going without breaking down.

We live in different cities, so we are expected to talk more on the phone, but my husband’s calls are the shortest on my log. We spend about a minute on each call. How? You complain that communication is not good between the two of you, and the best response is, “Did you ask me something that I did not answer?” How heartbreaking. You tell your husband things that are bothering you, and he throws it back at you, asking what you have done to solve the same concerns you are sharing.

He is not upgrading himself, and he will not support me to do so either. He was never in support of me going back to school, but I did it without his support, not emotionally, and not financially. I just could not bear the thought of remaining at the same level for so long. If I had perceived this nonchalant attitude before committing, I believe we would not be here in the first place.

I have been emotionally deprived. I was hoping to find a companion, an advisor, a protector, a cheerleader, a playmate, a lover, a parenting partner, and a comforter in a husband. But maybe that is too much to ask for.

The only thing I am holding onto are the beautiful girls we have been blessed with. All I tell myself to console my broken soul is that I probably would not have these children if I had chosen someone else.

One lesson I have learned from all of this is that when you compromise your standards to make someone fit, that person is likely to take you for granted and not put in their best, because the standard was lowered for them from the very beginning.

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I always say that I blame myself for what I am going through, because there were reasons I could have used to say no to him when we were first introduced. I trusted the judgment of my mentor, believing she would not recommend someone bad for me, but I guess I was wrong. I innocently thought everyone deserves a chance, and that no one knows the beginning of a great man. So I gave him room to grow, in dressing, in finances, in everything. I based my decision on hearsay and the judgment of others to make a lifetime choice.

I am tired of pretending that all is well. I pretend to enjoy intimacy when I do not. The only source of joy is our girls. This is not how I envisioned my life to be.

Can we go our separate ways? I do not feel any connection or joy in this marriage. Is that reason enough?

-Osofo Maame

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