My boyfriend is very close to his pastor. He served as the bodyguard for the pastor. He accompanied him to programmes, protected him from crowds, and made sure people didn’t approach him without permission. Over time, he became one of the men the pastor trusted. He calls his pastor the Oracle and doesn’t want to do anything that his pastor doesn’t want. From the beginning of the relationship, I asked him, “Do you love God, or do you just want to be in the good books of your pastor?”
He told me there was no difference. “Being in the good books of the Oracle is the same as being in the good books of God.”
I love him, so I tend to do everything to make him happy, especially when it comes to his church since it’s very important to him. I go to his church on Sundays. Initially, I went occasionally. Then I began joining him every Sunday until I gradually stopped attending my own church. I learned their way of worship, their prayers, and the expressions they used when talking about the pastor. I tried to believe in everything my boyfriend believed because I wanted us to have something important in common.
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From the start, he said we had to wait until marriage before intimacy. When I asked why, he said the Oracle would see it the day he did it and would bring him down the pecking order. Again, I asked the same question, “Are you doing it for God or for the Oracle?” He got defensive and asked me to stop asking questions if I didn’t want the answer he would give.
I didn’t argue further. The truth is, I don’t share his belief about waiting until marriage. Physical intimacy means a lot to me. It’s one of the ways I feel loved and connected to someone. I want a man who appreciates my body, including the scars I’ve carried for years. I want to feel desired without being ashamed of wanting him too. To me, tenderness and physical closeness are important parts of a romantic relationship. But I also understand that my boyfriend sees things differently. I know he has the right to decide when he’s comfortable becoming intimate, just as I have the right to express what I need.
I would never want him to go against his convictions simply to satisfy me, so I agreed to wait.
Last year, he said this year we would get married. I was excited. I started imagining our wedding, the home we would build, and the life we would share. Then this year arrived, and the conversation changed. He said we would get married next year. There wasn’t any meaningful explanation for the postponement. He simply wanted me to remain patient. I told him, “At least let’s agree on a definite plan.”
He answered, “Everything will happen at the right time. Let’s wait on God.”
Currently, I feel empty in the relationship. I’ve come to realise that I’m not doing what makes me happy. I’m only doing what makes him and his Oracle happy, and that frightens me. I’ve gradually stopped doing the things that make me happy. I don’t attend the church I love. I can’t express my views about his pastor without offending him. I can’t discuss intimacy without making him uncomfortable. And even our marriage plans seem to depend entirely on when he decides we’re ready.
I miss intimacy, and I also miss my church. I don’t really love his church, but I attend because it means a lot to him. I don’t like his pastor and the way he carries himself about like a mini god. The choir in this church even annoys me, the way they want to sing every song in English. But I love this guy from the bottom of my heart, and everything in me says he’s the one.
Aside from everything, I don’t feel listened to.
A few days ago, I asked him about our future and told him I’m worried that we hadn’t been intimate. I wasn’t demanding that he sleep with me. I wanted us to acknowledge that we had different expectations and discuss whether we could find a future that respected both of us.
He called me a devil and said I’d been sent to destroy his light. Afterwards, he didn’t talk to me until he made me fast and pray for three days. On the first day, he asked me to pray for our relationship. On the second day, he said I should cast the devil out of myself. He made me scream, “Flee, flee, flee,” over a hundred times. By the third day, I was exhausted. I fought back. I asked him to allow me to pray for what I desired and not what he wanted.
When the fasting ended, he behaved as though everything had been settled. He never apologised for calling me a devil. He never returned to the conversation about our marriage, and I didn’t have the courage to bring it up again.
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Now I’m beginning to wonder what marriage to him would actually look like. Does it look like this relationship will work even when I love him this much? Will the Oracle continue deciding what happens in our home? Is there a way this relationship can work, or am I holding on to the man I love while slowly giving up the woman I am?
I love him, but everything around him makes me unhappy. How can I negotiate my way through a relationship like that?
—Doris
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Never settle for someone or anyone who will let you loose yourself to them. You have seen a little of the bitter should you marry him. He’s not matured and he’s following his pastor blindly.
Seriously have alot to say 🙄 but if I should say I might end up insulting you seriously.. Don’t be a fool and a blind person at the same time ok.
I am even tired reading this story.
Ah! What is this?
It never works out when a girl or woman goes after a boy. And that is what you are doing. Whether you love him or not, sit back and let HIM come after you. Stop going to his church. If he comes to chase you, fine. Otherwise he is not interested, so forget him.