I was fourteen when I witnessed my mother become an alcoholic. She fell from grace to disgrace. I blamed my father for everything. This is why. My dad worked as a news castor. He was very educated so people held him in high regard. That’s why I was angry when I heard that my mother was fourteen when he impregnated her. He is thirty-five years older than her so do the calculation. He was forty-nine when this happened.
When she got pregnant, her family gave her to him to marry. My poor mother was forced into adulthood at that tender age. While her age mates were being silly teenage girls, she was nursing a baby and playing wife to a man old enough to be her father. She didn’t have a life for herself.
At some point, she left to go and live her life. We didn’t know where she went but she always sent us items. She sent word that she was selling sachet water and charcoal. We missed her but we took comfort in the gifts she sent us. After some time, my dad brought her back. We were all happy. She looked so good and at peace with herself when she returned. It appeared living life on her own terms made her happy.
I can’t recall exactly what happened that made her start drinking after she came back. It wasn’t the kind of drunkenness that could be hidden. She would go out and roam the streets. She became a laughingstock. The neighbourhood drunk. I was ashamed of her. There was a woman who lived close to us. We ran errands for her, and in return, she fed us. We were not related by blood but we took her as our aunt. At a point, we even spent nights with her. I visited my mum once in a while to fetch water for her.
One day my mum came to visit me at our aunt’s house. She greeted the woman and thanked her for taking care of me. When she left my aunt told me, “Your mother is a witch. God is punishing her for her sins. That’s why she is like that. I don’t want you to go to her again.” I respected her more than my mother so I listened to her. I began to resent my mother more. There was even a time when I pushed her.
As time passed, my mother’s addiction got worse. My schoolmates would see her and mock me. Everywhere she went, she caused a scene. Everybody knew her as an addict. I was tired of her and all the problems she caused. I even prayed that God would take her away so everything would be over.
One day, a friend came to tell me my mum was unwell. I acted as if I didn’t care but deep down I wanted to see her. I quickly ran home and told my aunt, “Mum is sick. I want to go and see her.” She told me not to bother.
The next day I went to see her anyway. When I saw her, I knew in my spirit that she was dying. There was no one with her. The moment she saw my face she burst into tears. I hugged her as we both wept. “Oh Adwoa,” she mumbled weakly, “Give me some water.” I gave her the water. She then held on to my school uniform tightly and made a strange sound. She died in my arms.
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I felt numb all of a sudden. I knew my heart was broken but I couldn’t feel it. I rushed out to call anyone I could find. While I was running, I kept thanking God for giving her peace. The torture of her addiction was just too much for her and us. She was buried the next day. And I moved on with my life as if I hadn’t just lost the most precious thing to my heart. All of this happened while I was still a child.
Now that I am grown, I despise myself for the way I treated my mother. I shouldn’t have abandoned her. I should have stayed by her side and taken care of her. There was no one to instruct me or guide me. The only other adult present was my aunt. That’s why I am angry at her as well as myself. I was a child but what’s her excuse? She knew better. If she had advised me to stay close to my mum, I would have done it. I wouldn’t have had this much regret.
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Memories of the past have been creeping up on me. It’s weighing on my conscience. I keep apologizing to her for being a terrible child but I know it’s too late. I should have told her, “I am sorry” the last time I saw her alive.
The woman who gave me life was going through a difficult time and I left her. How can I ever forgive myself? My mind keeps going back to our last moments. The images are so clear you would think it happened yesterday. All I see is the moment she took her last breath. The more I hate myself, the more I hate my aunt too. I used to send her money whenever she was in need but now I have stopped. I know the past is the past but it is holding me prisoner. How do I break free? How do I forgive myself and the woman who stepped up to raise me when my mother was absent?
—Adwoa
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The greatest gift you can give to your mum is to forgive yourself, be successful, and teach others and your children (if you have or plan to have them) to love family and friends.
Your mum may have received her dying wish by seeing you before she gave up. She didn’t die alone thanks to you.
You have to forgive your aunt too. Noo excuse is enough to treat a fellow badly. However, remember there was a prevailing tradition and mindset that saw alcoholics and women who do not love up to society’s standard as witches. She may not be entirely at fault. Your mum may want you to let go of the burden and live your life to the fullest.
If you don’t want to have another regret then help your aunt and forgive her. She was doing so because she was afraid your mom might drag you down. That same anger caused you to ill to your mom .Now that same anger will destroy yourself and the relationship you have with everyone. Life is too short to bear pain and grudges. Go to therapy or counciling at church. Your mom is not angry at you and would have forgiven you so do so to yourself.
Your healing will take time, and the best place to go, when it comes to forgiveness issues, is a church. Find a regular church not a one-man church, and start working with someone in there, preferably a matured woman. A good pastor could direct you to a motherly person who could be your spiritual guide.
Meanwhile, don’t be too hard on yourself. Your behavior was normal for a child.
You need to forgive yourself and move on.
That you were by her side when she gave up the ghost was enough to let her know you still care. You were but a child and at that age you couldn’t have done much to support her. But the most important thing is that, you were with her and provided her with the water she requested before she died. Take consolation in the fact that at her dying moments when she made a request of you; you didn’t refuse her but promptly responded to her need of water.
Now you have to also forgive your “auntie”. Forgiving your auntie will be a testament that if you were that matured in those days; you would have taken care of your mum irrespective of who she was.
Good advice @REU. She was young during those periods and was actually there for her mother at a memorable moment.