I met Femi, a Nigerian guy online. During our chats, he said he liked me and wanted us to be friends. I agreed, and he took my number, but he didn’t reach out until two days later. We started vibing normally, just getting to know each other.

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One evening, he asked me to visit him so we could “have fun.” I suspected “fun” meant sex, so I asked him directly what he meant. He confirmed my suspicion. I told him no — I only do that in a committed relationship.

A few days after that conversation, he asked me to be his girlfriend. I was single so I said yes.

Not long after, he suggested we meet in person. I made it clear again that if it was just about getting intimate, then he should count me out because I don’t start relationships that way. He said he understood.

When I visited, I realised he hadn’t been honest with me. He told me he lived with his cousin but had his own room, yet in reality, he was sharing a room in an apartment with other guys. I also discovered he smoked. When I asked him about it first, he denied it. He claimed it was his friend who smoked, but later he did it in front of me. That was a red flag, but I let it slide.

Then things escalated. He started kissing me, and when I responded, he tried to push for more. I refused. He begged and even guilt-tripped me, saying we were in a relationship now so why was I holding back? I stood my ground and said no. He got angry. Because of that, he didn’t text to ask if I got home safely.

As time went on, I noticed more red flags — he wouldn’t call or text to check up on me, and when I tried starting conversations, he acted cold.

Later, when we were planning another outing, I warned him not to repeat his behaviour. But again, he went too far. To stop him from pressuring me for intimacy, I told him I had an infection and needed to treat it first. He said no problem, even promised to take me to the hospital.

Unfortunately, after that, his attention towards me dropped. He stopped being available. It felt like I was the only one making an effort. Eventually, I told him I could see he wasn’t interested anymore, so I was withdrawing. He just said okay.

This morning, I woke up to a hurtful message from him. He insulted me because of my supposed infection. He said it was a big turn-off for him and that Ghanaian girls are bad.

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“You are all the same. I could never date someone like you.”

He even admitted he had looked down on me all along but just pretended to smile in front of me. I was deeply hurt.

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I told him the truth — I wasn’t even sick. I only said that to stop him from forcing intimacy on me because I didn’t know him well enough yet.

Now I’m wondering: is it right for someone who claims to love you and wants a serious relationship to degrade you like this and cut you off just because you refused him your body? Was I wrong in how I handled things, or were we both wrong?

—Chrissy

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