I wanted my husband to know from the start that I wasn’t in his life to put everything on his shoulders, but to support him whenever I could. Right from the day we decided to get married, I showed him that I was his helper. I didn’t allow him to carry all the burden alone. I paid for my own gown, makeup, and accessories. My father also supported us to ensure we had a good wedding.

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Before the wedding, I had been diagnosed with PCOS. The doctors made me believe I might never conceive. After marriage, I didn’t lose hope. I sought treatment while we kept trying and failing to convince.

In the midst of all these struggles, I found out two years into the marriage that he was having an affair. When I confronted the lady, she admitted she knew he was married. She chose to be with him because my husband told her the marriage with me was already over.

That marked the beginning of a painful phase in my marriage. There were constant arguments, and at times, he would spend weekends with her. At some point, he openly told me he didn’t want me anymore.

In 2018, I decided to walk away. I made plans to live on my own. But just a month later, I discovered I was pregnant. This was after four and a half years of trying. In my joy, I saw the pregnancy as a sign from God, a reason to give the marriage another chance.

Six months into my pregnancy, he said he no longer loved me. “Things are no longer working between us. Let’s go our separate ways,” he proposed. I cried day and night, soaked my pillow with tears, and lost my appetite until he returned to apologise. He said he didn’t know what came over him.

I eventually gave birth via C-section. Around that same period, his affair with the other woman ended bitterly. They exchanged harsh words, and she even mocked and disgraced him on social media. I saw it as a possible turning point, maybe a chance to rebuild our marriage.

But soon after, COVID-19 struck. Just before the lockdown, my father-in-law came to stay with us. Sadly, he suffered a minor stroke. I had then secured a job as a restaurant supervisor, which required me to leave the house as early as 4:30 AM. Balancing work, the household, and caring for my father-in-law was overwhelming. The job, however, became a lifeline because I sometimes brought leftover food from the restaurant for us to eat.

Realising I couldn’t care for my father-in-law alone, I took advice to involve my mother-in-law. She joined us in Accra three days after the President announced the nationwide lockdown. I lost my job after that. The restaurant had to shut down.

My husband controlled the household money. He gave me what he wanted, regardless of our actual needs. For example, if my shopping list totalled GHS 500, he would hand me GHS 200 and expect me to find the rest.

Two months down the line, I noticed changes in his routine. He wasn’t leaving early for work and often returned home unusually early. After investigating, I found out he lost his job due to COVID-related redundancies.

Out of desperation, I called my father abroad. After hearing my struggles, he advised me to further my education so I could access better opportunities. He promised to support me. This encouraged me to apply for an MPhil.

Even before finishing the two-year program, I got a job as a homeschool teacher. That opportunity gave me hope and some financial relief.

One day, the friend who helped me with the homeschooling role called again. This time, she informed me about a vacancy in another region. I applied without knowing the salary or benefits. God being so good, I got the job. When I received the contract letter, I cried tears of joy.

This breakthrough came at one of the hardest points in our lives. It was a time when we couldn’t pay our son’s school fees. We barely managed to eat. We survived on rice and stew every day. At one point, we couldn’t even afford charcoal to cook. I had to collect sticks around the neighbourhood just to make fire.

The job changed everything for me. Within a few months, I cleared debts we accumulated from borrowing money to feed and pay school fees. With my first allowance, I even began renovating our unfinished home in Accra, hoping it would bring joy and relief to my husband.

I sent money home to support the project, but during a visit, I discovered that the workers hadn’t been fully paid. When I confronted him, he grew angry and told me I had no right to dictate how money should be used, even if it was mine. And when it was time for my son and me to return to the region, he didn’t even come to see us off.

For three months, I heard nothing from him. When I reported the matter to his parents, his mother advised me to apologise, but my parents told me not to.

During this difficult time, I confided in a friend. We became emotionally and intimately involved as a result. It didn’t go on for long though. I ended it and confessed everything to my husband. He was crushed but he forgave me.

A few months later, I became pregnant. The child is my husband’s, but he didn’t believe me at first. He demanded a DNA test.

“How can I trust you? You had an affair, remember?” This was his anthem. I knew I brought it upon myself so I didn’t complain.

Three months after I gave birth, he told me he was planning to travel abroad. When I asked how he was going to fund it, he said his friends were going to help him. Only for him to turn around and ask me for GHS 50,000 to finalise his plans.

As a supportive wife, I reached out to friends and family and took loans, including one from my workplace to raise the money for him. He also borrowed GHS 10,000 from a friend, with the promise that his wife would repay it.

He left late last year. By February of this year, he started demanding that I repay the GHS 10,000 he borrowed from his friend.

“You made that promise without consulting me,” I told him, “Besides, I also have a loan of GHS 20,000 due in April. Don’t forget I am taking care of our children alone.” His only reply was, “A promise is a promise. Pay for the money.”

Despite my struggles, I managed to send GHS 5,000 to his friend. Then, in March, my father-in-law passed away. My family and I performed the funeral rites as expected, so instead of completing the payment, I used the remaining GHS 5,000 for that. In April, I cleared the GHS 20,000 debt I owed. When I shared the receipt with my husband, he didn’t even thank me. He just replied, “OK.”

Later in April, he began pressuring me again to pay the remaining GHS 5,000 he owed to his friend. Out of anger I said, “I’m not pooping money.” He found it offensive. So he didn’t talk to me for two months.

Meanwhile, because transportation had become a necessity, I took another loan to buy a car. He wasn’t happy for me. He was rather angry. That’s basically our marriage in a nutshell. Anything at all can result in conflict.

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Recently, he suggested relocating the children and me to join him abroad but said he couldn’t afford the tickets. He said I would have to bear the travel costs. So I told him no.

Now he is telling me that I can leave the marriage if I want to. All I wanted was for us to have a conversation about the state of our marriage. So that we can work on everything that is not working but he wouldn’t do it.

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After ten years in this marriage, I am realising I have never experienced real joy or true partnership. He told me that even if we start living together again, everything will be based on shared responsibility. Unlike me, he is not willing to take full responsibility for our children or family needs.

How did I put up with this for ten good years? Is this marriage? There has been no joy, no proper communication, no planning for the future. I have carried this marriage alone emotionally, financially, and mentally for too long. I am so tired. What exactly am I still holding onto?

—Lucy

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