I am currently in nursing school. While I parade around like a normal person, I am certain there’s something not quite right with me. I am saying this because of the kind of things I fantasize about sexually. These weird fantasies began even before I had my first shuperu. I have been thinking about all my sexual experiences and I am wondering if the traumatic encounters I had has anything to do with what I am dealing with.

When I was eight, there was a relative of ours who used to touch me. He was a teenage boy. He would pretend to play with me and then fondle my breasts and butts. He always made sure no one was watching him while he did this so I knew he was doing something wrong. I just don’t know why I never told my parents about it.

Because of him, I hated to be touched by boys when I was growing up. Even when someone accidentally brushed their hand against my skin, I would get upset. Then when I turned twelve, I went to live with my maternal uncle. I noticed that this man liked to watch me but I never thought much about it.

It wasn’t till I turned fourteen that I realized what he was doing. Sometimes I would wake up in the morning, only to see him standing in my room watching me. I used to sleep naked then. There were also times that I would be in the bathroom and he would “accidentally” walk in to see me.

I noticed something wrong when this man would insist I bathe his daughter whenever I was going to bathe. Then while in the bathroom, he would walk in on us to tell his daughter he was leaving for work. Sometimes he would bring her coins to buy choco milo. He was not subtle about it. Every time he walked in, he would stay at my breasts and my buttocks. He did it every day. That was when I knew he was a peeping Tom.

I stopped sleeping naked and started making sure I only took my bath when he was not at home. I covered up at all times yet that did not stop him from looking for creepier ways to peep at me. I no longer felt safe in his house so I moved back to my mother’s place.

He is also a big part of the reasons I cannot tolerate a man’s touch. Especially a man I don’t like. Now I wonder if that is part of the reason I fantasize about having non-consensual sex. This is as lightly as I can put it. The idea of being taken against my will is what turns me on. In my fantasies, it’s not someone wicked or dirty. The person who does it is a nice young man that I like.

I create the image of how the person will look, and I imagine how the whole thing will play out and how I would feel. Then I start to wish that it would happen to me. When I’m ovulating it becomes worse. I have to watch an adult film in which the lady is being forced. That’s the only thing that relieves me of my horniness.

I’m very stingy with my body too so I don’t know why I have such thoughts; I don’t allow just anyone to touch me anyhow. Far from me! The funny thing is I get very angry when someone I don’t like touches me inappropriately; even if it was a mistake, I still become very upset.

When I’m on public transport, I don’t like men’s bodies rubbing against mine when I’m seated next to them, which usually happens because I am quite curvy.

Four days ago, a guy who had been chasing me for a relationship and whom I have said NO to each time he asked me out tried to touch me against my will. I didn’t see it coming. He said he was in my hostel and that he wanted to say hi to me so I should meet him in the kitchen area. My school is still on vacation so not many of us are in the hostel. I’m here because I’m a nursing student and I’m doing my clinicals around.

So I went to meet him. I was wearing a long-sleeved dress that covered me well and a black skinny. I’m letting you know what I was wearing so you don’t think I was in a mini skirt and that triggered him. This guy spoke to me about normal stuff and said he liked me again and I always told him, I SAID NO. I told him I was going into my room to sleep and he asked that I hug him before I left.

Of course, I refused to hug him so he asked for a handshake instead. I shook his hands and this guy never let my hands go. He pulled me into him and asked that I kiss him. I told him I wasn’t going to do that. Before I knew it. He forcefully held my head and neck and kissed me while I resisted him. I tried to get him to let go of me but he refused to let me go.

He lifted me up even though I kept telling him I didn’t like what he was doing. I told him to leave and he said he was thirsty so I should give him water. I told him to sit at the visitors’ area whiles I went in to get the water from my fridge for him. Immediately I entered my room, he also came in and started touching me inappropriately without my consent.

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I knew I didn’t want what he was doing but my body almost betrayed me. I was becoming weaker at resisting him while clearly saying NO. He may have realised it. He then forcefully tried to get in between my thighs. I shouted and called my neighbor in the nearest room to come. When he heard her coming, he let me go.

I knew I didn’t want what he was doing but the problem was my body. I realized I had obviously escaped a rape situation but my brain couldn’t process it as such. I went to the washroom to take my bath and found that I was wetter than I had ever been in my entire life.

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I’m worried. I don’t want to be like this forever. I now know rape isn’t something to joke with talkless of fantasize about. So why am I like this? Instead of me to slap him or embarrass him in some way immediately he started touching me, I didn’t. My brain knew this was bad, but my body didn’t register it as danger so I couldn’t fight for myself until he almost had his way.

I thank God my colleague was in her room nearby while this was going on. She is my savior. I couldn’t save myself. Are there Psychologists here? What do they think is wrong with me? I need help with what to do to manage this issue. I can’t speak to people I know about this.

–Blue 

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