A year ago, I forgave my husband’s infidelity. It wasn’t an easy journey to forgiveness. I left the house first with my three-year-old daughter. I remember telling my parents the marriage was over, so they should send the dowry drinks to my husband’s family. My husband called, begging me to come back home and promising that he wasn’t ever going to repeat that. At a point, I stopped picking up his calls. He would go to my dad and make my dad call me, and he would beg me to come back home.

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This went on for two weeks until my dad called and said, “Come home and let’s decide this once and for all. I don’t like this hide-and-seek you’re playing with us.”

I went home thinking I was going to meet my dad alone, but everyone was there. My husband and his family. My mom and dad were present. There were two people from our church; our pastor and one man I revered so much. I felt ambushed, but out of respect for those present, I sat down to listen to them talk.

My husband started with an apology and even knelt down, held my legs, and said if I ever forgave him, it would never happen again. My pastor added his voice to the apology. He said, “Repentance is the most important thing here. He has realized his faults and has repented. Another chance wouldn’t be bad, just like our Father in heaven gives us chance after chance.”

The man I revered watched me with piercing eyes. He didn’t say a word, but his head went up and down in consonance anytime someone said something about forgiveness. When it got to my turn to talk, I said, “The cheating hurts less than the person he cheated with. I saw it and asked questions, and my husband didn’t talk to me for days for asking questions. He didn’t give me housekeeping money because I dared ask what was going on between him and that shameless woman.”

Pastor said, “We are here because of all the things we did wrong in the past. That is also part of the mistakes. Liars are like that. Cheating spouses usually try to cover their act with anger just to put you off balance. After all that, what happened? You caught him. Forgive, my dear daughter. It’s hard, but try.”

At the time, my daughter was sitting on my husband’s lap while the conversation was going on. My mom pointed at her and said, “Look at how happy your daughter is for seeing her dad again. Do you want to take this happiness away from her?”

That question brought a lot of perspective into play. He had been an excellent father to our daughter. Apart from his anger issues that made him stretch issues, he was also a husband I could manage. All is not well anywhere, but he made marriage bearable until suspicion started creeping in, and his anger issues, and the fact that when he was angry, he didn’t mind watching me and my daughter starve.

I thought about all that and shook my head. I told them, “I will think about it.” Pastor got up and said, “Let’s pray so the thinking about it will bear beautiful fruits.”

A few days later, I was fully back home to restart my marriage. The night before I returned, I was on the phone with my husband for hours. We talked about what needed to change, not only from him but also from me. We talked about the little things we needed to bring back into our marriage. And then we talked about his anger issues, how he needed to get angry but shouldn’t allow his anger to go too far.

So on the 11th of February 2025, a few days before Valentine’s Day, I came home with the little I had left with. We had been married for five years but had never celebrated Valentine’s Day. Last year we did. My husband made his romantic side shine through the thick mist we were experiencing. It felt good, but when he tried to top it with intimacy, my body crawled into my skin, so I said no. I thought it was going to be for that night alone or just for a few days, but since then, I’ve been saying no to my husband.

He said it meant I hadn’t forgiven him. I said if I hadn’t, I wouldn’t have come back home. He asked why then I would say no to intimacy. I said it wasn’t me saying no, but my body was not ready.

The first time I allowed it to happen, it felt like I had visited a stranger and he had decided to jump on me. All I wanted was for him to get off me, so throughout the whole time, I asked, “Haven’t you finished? Hurry up.”

It lasted not more than three minutes, but it felt like forever. After that, it took months for me to agree again. It was even worse.

He said we needed to go for counseling, and I agreed. We did one in church. Our pastor recommended a therapist, and we booked an appointment. I never knew it cost so much to have someone sit and listen to my story.

I said I’d forgiven him. I said I was still the same wife. My husband also agreed that we were happy, except for the absence of bedroom intimacy. The only new thing I said there was that it might be because I still see the woman he cheated with. “It’s hard for me anytime I see her face and remember my husband has had something with her.”

After the therapy, I was even hoping for the best, but the feeling was still the same. I would go dry, and it began to hurt both of us. Just last month, I gave my husband the license to cheat again. It wasn’t out of frustration but out of pity for him. I said, “Please do it with someone else if you want. You also deserve happiness, and I don’t know how long this is going to happen.”

He responded, “The only happiness I want is with you and no one else.”

His words hit so hard, but they couldn’t thaw my body from its frozen state. I’m frustrated with myself. All of a sudden, I’ve gone rigid, bereft of feelings and love. I’ve prayed about it. I’ve fasted about it. My body currently feels like it’s not mine. It’s like the one I had before the cheating episode had been buried, just to live in a rented body whose wish is to go against my own desires.

I Left Him Because He Didn’t Help In The Kitchen

If cheaters never change, then I know someday my husband will go back to his cheating ways again, and this time it wouldn’t be his fault but mine. The original sins will still belong to him, but that has been forgiven wholeheartedly, and it’s the reason this marriage has existed one year more. But why am I still punishing him for a forgiven sin?

I cannot answer that. Only my body can tell.

—Ruby

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