I know I have a problem. I’ve been thinking about my life’s choices recently and everything points to the fact that I have a huge problem but what’s this problem called?

I left my boyfriend of two years because he cheated on me. Before he cheated, there were other issues that made me want to leave him so when the cheating issues happened, it became the last straw that broke the camel’s back.

When I left him, the next guy I fell in love with had a girlfriend. They were getting close to marriage and I knew it but I didn’t mind. I loved him that much and that was all that mattered. I didn’t beg him to choose me over his girlfriend. I was okay knowing he loved me too. A year later, he got married and travelled with his new wife. We still talk. He tells me he still loves and I tell him I love him too, knowing very well I can’t have him.

When he left, I had guys coming my way but I gave myself reasons to say no to all of them. One day, a man approached me at a bar and took my number. Days later, he proposed and I said yes.

This man had a ring on his finger when we met. Later I got to know he’s married with three kids. It didn’t bother me. I loved him to the point where I became obsessed with him. It wasn’t about the money because he didn’t give me much. I just loved him because he chose me.

When he left the scene, I told myself, “They always leave so why don’t I get two or more at a time? When one leaves, there would be another to cater for my broken heart.”

I fell in love with a married man and another guy who told me his girlfriend was his cousin. When I found out he was lying, I still stayed. These two guys are still in my life and I want to believe I love them equally.

Why do I always fall in love with men who already have something going on for them? My friend tells me it’s a sickness because I’m always after what I can’t have for myself—in her words, “You love unavailable men and that’s your problem. Seek help.”

Where do I begin the help from? The only help I know is the one that comes from above so I started praying and fasting about it. I pray and later go to spend the night with the married man. After fasting, I go to the guy whose girlfriend is his cousin to spend time with him but how can my prayers work when I can’t let these people go?

These two have become my emotional support and it’s becoming hard to let them go.

Is there a solution to a problem like this? They say counseling can help but I doubt it because even prayers couldn’t solve it.

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—Dasha

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