I earn more than him, and it has been like this since we met a year ago. It was never a problem until we started talking about marriage lately. At no point in our relationship did I make him feel small because I earned more than him. I gave him his respect. I loved him purely, bought him gifts, took him out, and paid. When I spent days at his place, I cooked and served. These were things I did for love.

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It got to a point when I realized he wasn’t pulling his weight in the relationship. He was okay watching me pay or cook while he slept. It was okay for him when he didn’t buy me a gift even on special occasions. I called for a conversation, and he told me those things were not important to him—I mean gifts on special occasions.

I said, “Fine. How about the help I don’t receive from you when I come to your place? Is that what you expect from a girlfriend?”

He told me he didn’t know how to cook, so he didn’t want to interfere. We agreed he was going to learn how to cook while he helped when I was cooking for him. He didn’t do much, and because I loved cooking, I did it regardless.

After a year, I initiated the marriage conversation, and he expressed his interest too. We planned our wedding while lying side by side and looking up at the ceiling. We talked about our resources and how much we intended to spend on our wedding. I knew I was in a better financial position than him, so I took the expensive parts and allowed him to cater for the non-negotiable ones.

I called him to the kitchen one day to come and help, and he snubbed me. He didn’t do it respectfully. He shouted about it. “If you can’t cook, leave the kitchen and stop calling me. Is that what you’re going to do when we get married?”

I left the kitchen to come and look at his angry face as he sat there playing a game on his laptop. I said, “It’s your food and not mine.”

He repeated, “I’ve lost my appetite, so stop cooking it if you can’t do it alone.”

I went ahead and cooked, but I wouldn’t let that episode pass without drawing lessons from it. So when tempers had settled and we were having a conversation, I started the topic about chores and what he meant when he said I should leave the kitchen.

He said, “It looks like you want me in the kitchen with you, and you’re forcing it. If I come, fine, but it doesn’t mean every day, even when I’m busy.”

I used the opportunity to ask the kind of marriage he anticipated and the kind of husband he would like to be. Everything he described was about submission and the woman knowing her place.

“If you respect your husband enough and love him, you’ll not expect him to be doing certain things around the house. What do you expect people to say?”

So I took my time and explained the dynamics to him, explaining how I had taken up financial responsibilities when traditionally it wasn’t mine to take.

“I’m not expecting much from you, just a helping hand, the same hand I give when you need it financially.”

He still didn’t buy the idea, and because it is very important to me, I decided to advise myself. It was hard, but I decided that if we couldn’t reach an agreement, nothing would proceed from that point.

I started withdrawing to drive home the point. He withdrew too, and that told me he had chosen a hill to die on, and I could do nothing about it.

A week after playing hide-and-seek with each other, I called to seek closure. That was when he told me he had taken the time off to think through our future and had realized that what I was saying made sense. He apologized and asked me to forget about the past.

I accepted and told myself I was going to stop talking about the marriage and rather focus on the change I was expecting to see. For some time he acted very well, too well it looked fake, but I was enjoying it.

He brought up the marriage topic again, and I asked him to wait for a while. “There’s something I need to be sure of.”

It’s Not God’s Law For A Man To Apologize To A Woman

He’s currently pressing hard for the marriage while I’m content studying him to see enough change. He’s talking about me not loving him again, hence the dragging of my feet. I’m also thinking he might be doing all that just to get us to marry, and then later he’ll go back to default.

I’m confused and don’t know whether to go left or right. I want this marriage to work. I want to make this decision and not look back with regret, but the signs I’ve seen scare me. If you were in my shoes, what would you have done? Go ahead with the marriage, or wait until you’ve seen enough to be sure?

—Angela

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