I am at a place in my life where I want to get married. Loneliness is beginning to make me regret turning down the man who wanted to marry me when I was in school. I have a boyfriend but it is Emil I think about when I envision myself with a husband and children. Now, I want everything he wanted from me but it seems it’s too late. He has moved on, but I am still here pining for him.

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I know he has been patient with me. He held out hope that I would choose him right from the moment we met in 2022. At the time, I was working in a hardware retail shop to save money for university. He came to buy something from the shop and we became friends.

He was always present for me. Although we were just friends he would stay with me at the hospital whenever I was sick, until I got better and was discharged. The first time he proposed that we take our friendship to a romantic level, I turned him down. I told him, “I don’t know if I gave you the wrong impression but I already have a boyfriend.” That didn’t discourage him. He stuck around and hoped I would change my mind.

When I got a scholarship to study midwifery outside the capital city, Emil wasn’t happy about it. He wanted me to stay with him and build a family, not leave for school. I didn’t mind him. I still went ahead with my education.

While I was away at school, the guy I was calling my boyfriend stopped calling me. That was when I accepted Emil as my boyfriend. We dated for two months long-distance. He supported me financially but he didn’t like that I was in school. Quite often, he pressured me to leave school and come back to him in the city. My refusal led to our first breakup.

We met again in 2024 when I returned home for holidays. We picked up from where we left off, dated again, and everything felt good. He had improved so much. He had an excellent job, and was more stable. It rekindled my love for him. He loved me too. He visited my home, and my mum and everyone knew him.

As I prepared to go back for my final year, he asked me to get pregnant for him. He said I didn’t have to go to school because he would take care of me and my family. Honestly, I knew he could. But that was not the life I wanted. I wanted my own career, my own money, and my independence. When I explained this to him he left me again.

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I returned to school, but I felt like I had made a huge mistake choosing school over a man I truly loved. I have never loved anyone as deeply as I loved him. We never ran out of things to talk about. We were perfect together.

Towards my final exams, he happened to come to the town where I was doing my fieldwork. Although we were broken up, we met and spent some quality time together before he left again.

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I graduated, came back home, and got a good job that earns me decent money. I have gotten everything I want. Nonetheless, I feel lonely. I’m currently dating someone else, yet my mind goes back to Emil. I know he has moved on, but I can’t stop thinking about him.

I’m 23 years old now. I really want to get married and settle down. I want to focus on my boyfriend so that we can make it happen. I’ve tried everything, but it’s still Emil I see.

—Esther 

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