Growing up as a child in my village was filled with happiness. I always tell people that I began to understand life when I was seven. At that age, I understood what was going on around me. I come from a good home. People always tell me that my father is a good man, so they extended the love they have for him to me. You could say that I was the child everyone loved to have around. My younger siblings were also loved. All the kids in our neighborhood loved to play with us because we had toys and bicycles. Indeed, I had a great childhood.

In 2008, I left home for boarding school. Life was different over there. I met new people and I had to adjust to a new way of life. I must say that life in junior secondary school was hell. The seniors bullied us. Despite the inhumane treatment we received, we survived. The friendships we formed kept us going.

As time went on I noticed that I was unhappy in school. This affected my studies to a great extent. So I complained to my parents during the holidays. They took me to church and our pastor prayed for me. I suppose they saw me as a child with the kind of worries that prayers alone could solve.

When I got to senior secondary school nothing changed. I always felt out of place among my peers. I don’t know why I felt that way but it just couldn’t go away. This time around my parents counseled me and told me, “Maybe everything you are experiencing is a sign that you are growing. Very soon you will adjust to these new changes, and you will find yourself again.” I listened to them and lived a normal life until I graduated from secondary school in 2014.

When I came home I noticed a lot of people stopped talking to me. I tried to reach out but nobody paid attention to me. My childhood friends and neighbors avoided me. Even my favorite cousin wouldn’t look my way. I was shocked, that I was only gone for six years, and I was already forgotten. I asked around for answers. That was when I heard rumors that people stopped talking to me because I stopped greeting them first.

They said I was proud because of my father’s money. The day I heard this, I cried my eyes out. I was broken. It was hard for me to cope with the hatred, so I managed to make a few friends and they kept me company. I stayed home for a year before I gained admission to the university.

Life in the university came with its ups and downs. In level 100 I made a few friends who have remained my friends till date. Then at my level 200, I started experiencing unhappiness and anxiety. I could barely sleep. This affected my studies. It also made me uncomfortable around new people. I couldn’t even bring myself to eat. I became so skinny that people made fun of me, and whenever this happened, a part of me died. I hated myself.

I stayed away from relationships while I was in school because I didn’t believe in myself. My issue is not even low self-esteem, but rather no self-esteem. I didn’t even have the confidence to attend lectures sometimes. I was more active in social media than in real life. I knew I needed help but I didn’t know what exactly my problem was.

During the 2020 lockdown, I entered a relationship. At first, it was great because it started online. While we were all scared for our lives, I found love. We met afterward and everything was beautiful. It was a long-distance relationship but we were very happy. The relationship was barely nine months old when my no self-esteem issues crept in. I started having doubts when our communication was reduced. I had wanted to tell my boyfriend what I was dealing with but I was scared he would leave me. So I kept quiet.

I refused to go out with him whenever I visited him. When he complained I threatened to break up with him. In fact I always threatened to leave him every time my insecurities reared their heads. Thankfully, he always ignored my rants, and we found ways to resolve our problems. Unfortunately for me, I lost my brother just when things started to get better with the world and my relationship. I was crushed.

My brother was one of the closest people in my life but I was too numb to cry when he first died. It took a few days after his death for me to start wailing my pain. For an entire year, I cried every night before going to sleep. I felt so lonely. Out of grief, I broke up with my boyfriend. And I have regretted it to this day. I wish I was a little bit more patient.

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I did my NYSC after these incidents and it was like therapy to me. I have learned to move on. But I haven’t stopped hating myself for breaking my relationship.

Now that I’m done with NYSC, my fears wouldn’t allow me to face the corporate world and look for a job. Friends send me job links and I ignore them. My life keeps getting messier. My social life is nonexistent. I look like I’m alright but deep down in my heart, I feel I am not good enough for anything. I have a sister and sick parents to care for but my issues wouldn’t let me live. I’m scared that if anything happens to my family, nobody will come to my aid.

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Earlier this year, I opened up to my best friends about my struggles and they encouraged me to live my life without thinking too much. That meant a lot to me but it is not enough to heal me. So the essence of sharing this story here is that I need help. I’m tired of running away from my fears. I’m tired of being a coward. I’m scared for my future.

I used to think my problems were spiritual but now I know it all began in boarding school. The bullying messed with my mind. It has given me the impression that the world is full of bullies so I must hide. But I don’t want to hide anymore. I need a solution. If there’s a therapist or maybe an online support group I can join, I will be grateful. I turned twenty-six recently but I am still too fearful for my own good.

— Mary Jane

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