I broke up with my ex-boyfriend in September 2020, after we had dated for two years. Our relationship was a great one. It was the perfect love story. We did everything together. He loved what I loved, and hated what I hated. I was sure we were a match made in heaven.

Everywhere he went, I was there with him. Whenever we got bored he would say, “Let’s go for a drive.” And we would just drive around until we were ready to go home. He liked to take me on dates to the beach and the poolside.

We were the playful kind of couple. He would sing while I danced. We would watch movies together and argue about the plot and characters. Our favorite was “Acrimony”. We also watched music videos while I would twerk in front of him. He’d always say, “You can twerk all you want when we are at home but you know I won’t allow it when we are at parties.” My response to this was usually a playful laugh.

Whenever we fought, we sat down and resolved our problems. Nobody walked around carrying grudges. We were determined not to let anyone or anything come between us. That’s why we were so inseparable. The only place we never went together was church. On Sundays, he would tell me, “Go to church and pray for me. I will be here waiting for you.” I loved him. I haven’t loved anyone with this kind of intensity before.

Despite the fact that we lived in different communities in Tema, I was always at his place. We both had jobs but that did not keep us apart either. One day he was in the bathroom when his message notification went off. I ignored it at first but messages just kept coming in. Whoever was texting him was desperate for a response. So I took the phone and opened the messages. I found out that day that my man had another girl on the side.

It came as a shock to me. I followed this man around everywhere. I practically lived with him. How then did he get the time to entertain another girl? I was crushed.

It wasn’t his cheating that made me break up with him, no. It was the way he behaved when he came out of the bathroom and saw that I caught him. He snapped. He heaped piles of insults on me. The man called me horrible names. “I didn’t break your heart,” he said, “You are the one who broke your own heart by reading my messages. Next time, learn to mind your business and respect other people’s privacy.” He did not show a shred of remorse. He did not even pretend to apologize. I would have forgiven him had he not insulted me.

I remembered how much I cried. It was not because he cheated. It was because of the horrible words he said to me. Everything I did after the breakup reminded me of him. His memories held me captive in my own mind. I could not escape him.

So after six months of our breakup, I accepted another man’s proposal. I thought a new love would erase the fingerprints my old love had left on my heart. Unfortunately, we did not last beyond three months. I was the problem. The new guy I dated is called Bob. However, I always called him Billy. Billy is my ex’s name. I always apologized for calling him Billy but eventually, he had enough.

He said I was cheating on him with my ex, Billy. Of course, this was not the case but he did not believe me. That was what broke us up. Before things fell apart, we had shuperu twice. I slept with him hoping it would help me forget about Billy. However, both times we did it, I pictured my ex lying on top of me. And I moaned the way Billy liked me to moan. I even gave him styles that I knew were Billy’s favorites.

I did all this thinking I was doing it with Billy. That’s why both times I felt disappointed when I came to my senses and realized I was doing it with my Boyfriend, Bob, and not my ex. After my disappointment, I felt angry. However, I waited for him to finish, and then I pushed him away and coiled myself on the other side of the bed while crying internally. When he tried to talk to me, I picked up my bag and left. I know I was unfair to him. That was why I let him go.

After things ended, it took me three months to accept another person into my life. Bob couldn’t help me forget about Billy, but I hoped this new guy would. Well, he turned out to be nothing like Billy. He wasn’t playful. He was raw, and stingy. This guy could go days without talking to me. When I tried to push him, he pulled back until he felt ready to talk to me. We broke up in six weeks.

I have been single ever since that time. It’s been two years already but I am still here. Men have expressed interest in me but I always turn them down. My excuse is that I already have a man. That’s just something I say to get them off my back. In reality, I have no one. I am not moved to be with anyone. I don’t even get turned on.

READ ALSO: I Am The Reason My Husband Is Doing It With Another Woman

I am turning thirty this year. My fear now is that I would clock forty and still be unmarried. My best friend has tried on several occasions to set me up with guys, but I end up turning down their proposals. Sometimes too, I mistakenly called them Billy, and that was enough to kill their interest.

I have been praying for years now for God to help me forget my Billy so I can move on. I’m always at church. Whenever I hear of a Christian program, I  am there. When the man of God gives us a prayer topic, I won’t pray on that but rather ask God to help me put Billy behind me. So far, my prayers have gone unanswered.

What Would You Do Differently For Them?

While I am waiting on God, Billy has been calling me ceaselessly. He wants me back. All I think about is the way he insulted me. How can I go back to that? What if I go back and we break up again, will he insult me again? That’s the reason I don’t want to go back to him.

The other day my friend told me, “Ngma, this is beyond physical. I am sure Billy has cast a spell on you. If you want your freedom, look for a spiritual person to help you break the ties.” Sometimes I want to agree with my friend. It is possible that my ex may have cast a spell on me. Do you think the same? Or am I the problem? Or maybe I should forgive Billy and take him back.

–Ngma

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