I spent four full years at university, and not once did a guy ever approach me on my way to class to ask for my number. Not the boys in my classes. Not the guys from my hostel. When they did talk to me, it was to ask me to link them with my friends, or my course mates wanted information for an assignment.

I am 31 now, and the currency is still the same.

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I do not think I have ever been in a real relationship. I have watched people around me fall in love, break up, move on, and start all over again. But that kind of experience has never been mine. While others were exploring love, I was just existing on the sidelines, being the one who gave advice or acted as the go-between. It bothered me. I would see my coursemates dating, some even juggling two or three relationships, and I could not even get one. I often felt invisible. It was really hard, always feeling like the odd one out.

During my national service, a friend introduced me to a dating site. It felt like a sure bet for me, at last. I joined out of curiosity, and maybe a little hope. Surprisingly, within a month, I met someone. We started talking, and eventually, we started calling it a relationship. It was long-distance, and he had a lot of personal issues going on. Still, I liked him. Maybe because I had been starved of love for so long, I took whatever was offered. We talked about the future. We made plans and dreamed together. We named our children, decided how many we would have, chose our wedding colors, and planned our dream house. But after three years, when we should have started living all those dreams, he said he still had not dealt with his problems and did not want to keep dragging me along. I was the understanding girlfriend. If I left him then, what man would love me after him? It had been so hard just to find this one. I understood, even though it hurt.

Looking back now, I realize we were not really in a relationship. It was more like a friendship with feelings. We only met twice in those three years. That should have said a lot. And it does.

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Sometimes, I feel like I have never truly been loved by anyone. Not deeply. Not genuinely. I can go for days without a single call or message from anyone. No one checks on me. It often feels like I could disappear and nobody would notice.

Friendship has not come easy for me either. In SHS, I had friends, but it was mostly because they were getting something from me. After school, they all moved on. I would reach out now and then, but it was always one-sided. University was not much different. I tried to be friendly, to open up, to be kind, but it was like people just did not see me. Even at church, I would try to connect with someone, have a conversation, be nice. But the next time we met, they would act like I did not exist. So I stopped trying. I barely attend social events anymore. It is exhausting to always show up and still feel completely alone.

It is not that I have a bad attitude. I actually go out of my way to treat people well, the way I would want to be treated. I have always believed in being kind and respectful, but somehow, it never seems to be enough.

Right now, I cannot say I have even one person I can confidently call a friend.

And there is something else. My face. My mother gave me two tribal marks on my cheeks when I was younger. Ever since, I have struggled with self-confidence. I look in the mirror, and I do not see someone who is ugly, not really, but I also do not feel beautiful. Sometimes people say I am pretty, but I cannot let myself believe them. I keep thinking the marks are why people stay away from me, why no one wants to be close to me.

I have had moments, dark ones, where I have thought of ending it all. Life is already hard, but going through it without support, without someone to lean on, is even harder. I am tired of pretending to be okay. Tired of always being the one who reaches out, who tries, who gives, and still ends up alone.

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Some days, I wish I were not here at all. I wish I did not exist.

But here I am. Still breathing. Still hoping, somehow, that maybe things will change.

I do not know what the future holds. I just know that this, this is my life so far.

—Mercy

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