We are not talking anymore and it’s killing me slowly. I feel like I have lost a friend, a mother, and a lover all in one person. The love I have planted in my heart for her has grown into a tree. Its roots run deep. I don’t know how I am going to survive her without completely losing my sh*t. My biggest fear right now is that I would never meet anyone as loving as her. 

Although it hurts this bad, the thought of going back does not appeal to me when I think about how mean and unforgiving she was toward me. I didn’t do anything to deserve that treatment. Not once did I disrespect her the entire time we dated. Even when I got hurt in the beginning of the relationship by her past and the lies she told, I did not treat her badly. I didn’t even let her know I knew she lied. 

Before I met her, I had an image of the kind of woman I would end up with. There was a certain look I wanted. She didn’t have it. In fact, she was the exact opposite of everything I desired. However, it all didn’t matter when it came to her. She is beautiful and has a great personality. That was what attracted me to her. 

I even thought she wouldn’t like me because I didn’t have much. She proved me wrong when she agreed to give us a chance. She is the first woman I have ever been in a relationship with. I wanted her to be the last as well. That’s why I asked her questions about her past. I wanted to know everything there was to know so I would be sure she was the right choice for me.

She told me about the guy she dated before me. “Were you people intimate?” I asked her. She paused for a few seconds before saying, “Only twice.” I believed her because what reason did she have to lie to me? The unfortunate part was that I was hurt. 

Here lies the case where I haven’t done it before. In my mind, I would also meet someone who hasn’t done it, and we would be each other’s firsts. This made it hard for me to accept that the woman I liked had done it with another man before meeting me. I didn’t walk away though. I told myself it wasn’t a big deal; “She is very humble, respectful, and calm. That’s the real deal.” 

As the relationship progressed, she made certain statements that suggested she was intimate with her ex many more times than she told me. She had even taken contraceptives. Honestly, putting those pieces of information together broke me. That’s not what I expected from the woman I would spend my life with. Nonetheless, it was her past. I had to find a way to get over it and move on with the relationship. 

I am very emotional. I get hurt very easily. This means she said things that easily hurt my feelings. I never picked a fight over those things. I would just withdraw from her to lick my wounds. If she came to apologize, I would forgive her. If she didn’t, I’d come around eventually. This is how we handled conflict and it worked fine for us. 

We agreed to “No sex before marriage,” but that didn’t stop us from doing other things to experience physical intimacy. In other aspects too, we were very close. She had access to my phone and I also had access hers. We were in sync. I can vouch that we were happy. 

There was a time she posted her ex’s photo on her WhatsApp Status. I asked her why she did that and she asked me back, “What’s wrong with what I did?” I was so mad. In my head, the relationship was over but as soon as she apologized I forgave her. She knew how to say sorry. That’s one thing about her that melted my heart, her humility. 

As time went on things started changing. We could no longer settle our differences without getting into an argument. According to her, I was either judging her or reading meaning into things. Meanwhile, before I even start a conversation I would tell her, “I want us to resolve this peacefully without you thinking I am judging you.” 

We soon moved from arguments to not having open conversations. It was her decision. Even when I brought up a topic for discussion, she would refuse to talk. It all started a while ago when I asked her a question. It was supposed to kickstart a conversation. Her response was, “I am not ready to talk about these issues.” “This behaviour of yours will not help us going forward.” That’s all I said. She stopped having conversations with me from that moment. 

She started giving me “Yes” or “No” answers to open-ended questions. Phone calls became shorter. Text messages went unread for hours. I knew she was angry because of what I said. I accepted the blame and apologized. Every chance I got, I said sorry. None of it did anything to thaw her heart. It felt like I was in a relationship with an Ice Queen. 

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Later she told me she was sorry for everything and that she wanted us to start over. I said okay hoping she would be better. She wasn’t. She continued to be cold until she finally sent me a text saying she needed a break. “You overthink everything, judge me, look through my phone, and demand I tell you wherever I go. This behaviour is not okay. You don’t need a relationship, you need help.” These were her reasons for needing a break. 

I was surprised because she also went through my phone and asked me where I was at all times. It was a normal part of our relationship. There were times I even sent her videos of where I was and it was fine. So when did this become a problem?

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A week after she asked for the break, I also asked for a breakup. I told her I could not pretend what she put me through for the past months was something I could just overlook, especially after I begged her and asked her to forgive me for months. She doesn’t want to accept that it’s over.

She believes I will come around, and looking at how much my heart hurts I am tempted to. However, the memories of her coldness reminds me that I am better off alone. I just want to know how to stay gone now that I have left. I don’t want to go crawling back in my moment of weakness. I need help.

— Jacob

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