I am beginning to hate her. I am talking about my mother. Trust me, it’s paining me that I am feeling this way about the woman who gave me life. Maybe if I tell you our story you will understand why our relationship is the way it is. And I hope that at the end of the day, I get the help I need to cope with these strong and unpleasant emotions.

I was five years old when she took me to my father and left me there. This is where my dislike for her began. My father’s wife wasn’t an easy woman to live with. And every time she insulted me or mishandled me, I would think about my mother and hate her. I felt she did not love me enough to raise me by herself. So she left me to be maltreated by another woman.

Even when I grew a little older, and heard stories that it was my dad who insisted on raising me, I still didn’t like her. I felt she had no business getting involved with my dad in the first place. The man was an infamous womanizer. He had children with different women. My mother knew this yet she decided to allow him to impregnate her. It’s not as if she was young and naive. She was in her early forties when I happened. So what was her excuse? She should have known better.

According to the story she told me, “Your father asked me to get rid of you when I got pregnant but I refused.” She felt she was old enough to have me and raise me by herself. After all, she already had two children she was taking care of. Well, if that was the case then why did she abandon me with my stepmum? This was why I still couldn’t love her when I heard the stories. I felt she insisted on keeping me so I would come into the world to suffer at the hands of others.

When I grew up I was able to work through all those feelings and forgave her. It wasn’t easy but I made a conscious effort to start a relationship with her. Sometimes we get along well. Other times too, we face a lot of problems. The one that keeps repeating itself is my brother, Jacob. He is my mother’s secondborn. I think he was a teenager before I arrived.

My mother supports this man in everything he does. Even when it comes to situations where she is supposed to point out his flaws as a mother and correct him, she won’t do it. She would rather call me and my sister and complain, “Jacob has done this…” or “Your brother has done that…” We know that no matter the advice we give her, she will coddle him in the end.

There were times we told her, “Jacob is not a child. He is an adult who should be responsible for his life. Give him some space to be his own person and do your best to love him from afar.” She didn’t listen to us. So usually, we just listen to her rants and hold our peace.

I have nothing against Jacob. He is a brilliant guy who was deeply loved by his father. He grew up well too. Everyone who met him fell in love with him easily because he was serviceable and so respectful of others.

All of that changed when he got posted to work after he completed Teacher Training College. He started womanizing. We spoke to him and prayed for him several times hoping he would change but no. He got up one day and announced that he would no longer work as a teacher. That was it. Everything we said fell on deaf ears. My aunt who is Rev Minister did everything to persuade my brother to change his mind but it did not work.

The entire time we were trying to help Jacob, my mother was in the background nagging us. According to her, “You people are refusing to let him breathe because you don’t like him.” As I type this, my brother has three children currently. One of the kids lives in my town.  

The child’s mother is abusive. She would beat her own child up and lock her up in her room. One time the little girl fell sick. My mother had to go for her and nurse her back to health. The moment Jacob saw that his daughter was doing better, he got drunk and picked a quarrel with my mother. “Give me back my child,” he said. And my mother gave the child to him.

That’s what he does. Whenever a relative steps in to take care of his kids, he gets drunk and fights with the person. One time he even kidnapped his child from my sister’s house. Well, maybe I am exaggerating but how do we call it when you remove your child from someone’s care without telling the person?

Despite all this, my mother always stands by him. Once he insulted her to the point where my male cousins wanted to beat him. You should see my mother crying and begging them to leave him alone. 

As I am here, I am a government worker but I took some loans for my business so I don’t earn much. Thankfully, my husband takes good care of me. Thus, I am able to share the little I have with my mother. Imagine my pain when I found out that my mother sends whatever money I give her to Jacob. This is an able-bodied man who has decided not to work. Is it fair that I should be the one taking care of him?

Recently, she said we should buy her a new phone. Things are hard for us so my sister and I are saving up to buy the phone for her. It’s not as if my mother doesn’t have money to afford a phone for herself. She receives pension money every month. Apart from that, she has a cocoa farm. We even told her to buy the phone so we would refund her but she refused. She would rather give the money to Jacob.

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The sad part is that whenever my sister or I needed a little financial assistance she wouldn’t give us. Not even a loan. It’s not the same for Jacob though. She would sell her whole world to make him comfortable. All we want is for her to show she cares about us as much or even a little but it seems that language is foreign to her.

Anyway, back to the phone issue. My mother’s friend’s children decided to throw a birthday party for their mum a few days ago. Because of that, our mum told our aunt, “Sister, can you believe that my friend’s children are planning a birthday party for her? But as for me, my children can’t even buy a new phone for me. It’s as if I didn’t get any benefits from giving birth.” How can a mother say this?

She Came To Do Industrial Attachment

We are trying our best for this woman but it seems nothing will ever be enough for her. It is this behaviour of hers that is making me hate her again. On her birthday, for instance, I didn’t call her. She called me several times but I didn’t pick up. I didn’t want to risk hearing another thing from her that would make me feel more negatively toward her.

I don’t know why she has chosen to give us nothing but demand the world of us. I don’t understand why she chooses one of her children over her other children. Whatever her reasons be, I doubt I will even understand if she explains them to me. So I don’t care to know them. My concern is, how do I relate with her in a way that would make me not hate her for the way she is? 

— Mansah

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