I am 24 but I have already been intimate with five men I wish I hadn’t gotten involved with. Before you judge me, I didn’t set out to go down this path. Among all of them, it was the last man that had me re-evaluating my life choices. I realised that I had strayed so far from who I am and what I wanted for myself. And trust me, all I was looking for was someone I could call my home.

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I think I didn’t even know what love truly meant when I went out looking for it. I believed I could earn love by offering my boyfriend at the time, compliance. If he wanted something and I didn’t want it, I wouldn’t say no. I’d tell myself that if I made him happy, he would stay with me. I didn’t learn my lessons when he kept neglecting my needs.

I could have gone to the ends of the world if I thought it would make him choose me. Of course, it wouldn’t. Today, I am his… tomorrow he belongs to someone else. The instability was dizzying. I stayed still. I kept hoping he would finally learn how to love me right if I loved him hard enough. All he did was take me for granted.

Other men came my way while we were together. I turned a fair number of them away but I am human. I was with a man who made me feel lonely yet I didn’t want to be alone. So I decided that I would be open to other men. Maybe I would meet someone who would make me happy and then I would walk away from my toxic boyfriend.

Once again, I was wrong. It didn’t happen that way at all. The men I met were no better. Unfortunately, I found out too late after I had gotten intimate with them. I didn’t date them all at once. It was more like, I tried so hard to hold on to one but it didn’t work so he left and I gave the next one a chance. That’s how I ended up sleeping with five of these men.

With each man, I thought, “Maybe this is where I’ll find peace. This one smells exactly like the home I am looking for.” None of them was the one. One by one, they walked away, leaving me emptier than ever.

Then came the one who broke me completely. He is a married man. I didn’t know he was married. Maybe if I were a little more knowledgeable in the ways of men I would have seen the signs but I didn’t. I thought he was heaven-sent. He was kind, mature, and attentive. He listened to me in ways others hadn’t.

I believed I had finally met someone who understood me, someone who could handle my emotions gently. I let my guard down. We grew close, and one thing led to another — we got intimate.

It was only a few days later that I stumbled upon the truth in the most unexpected way. I was scrolling through Facebook when I saw a suggestion under “People You May Know.” There was a woman’s profile, and on it was a picture of the man I had just been intimate with — smiling beside her in what looked like a wedding photo. My heart dropped.

I went through her profile and saw more of their pictures together, their wedding photos, and their anniversary post.

That day, I didn’t even know whether to scream in anguish or cry in pain. I just sat there, staring at the screen, frozen. That day was the turning point in my life. I decided I would do better, so I never have to feel the way I do ever again.

As for the married man, I didn’t confront him. I just blocked him. When he tried to call me with another number, I blocked that one too. I couldn’t bear to hear any explanations. I cried for days. Not just because of him. I could see the pattern I had been repeating: searching for love in the wrong places, trying to fix broken situations with broken decisions.

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I quietly walked away from my unstable relationship. There was no drama, no fighting — just silence and the acceptance that it was over.

It’s been a year now since my awakening. I have gone one full year of total abstinence from any romantic relationship or intimacy. It’s been hard, I will admit. There are days I miss companionship. But every time I look back at how far I’ve come, I see growth. I see healing. I see a woman who’s learning that love isn’t about chasing validation or proving your worth.

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I’m not completely healed yet, but I’m no longer broken in the same way I used to be. I’ve learned that sometimes, we fall not because we are weak, but because we are searching for something we never got.

I am sharing my story because I know there’s another young woman somewhere walking the same path I did, probably feeling guilty, ashamed, and lost. Please, forgive yourself. Growth often comes through the hardest lessons. No matter how far you have fallen, you can always turn your life around. It’s never too late for change.

—Getty

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