Before I and my husband started talking about dating, he told me he had a son. A son he had from his previous relationship. I asked him, “So why didn’t you marry the mother of your son?” And he answered, “Because she didn’t want to marry me.”

From what he told me, they dated for three months and the lady got pregnant. He wanted to marry the lady but her people demanded certain kinds of money he didn’t have so they agreed after the lady deliver, they’ll combine the marriage with the naming ceremony. The lady gave birth and was not ready to marry him. For three years, he pursued this lady for a marriage that never happened. One day he went to visit the lady after not seeing her for days and he was told the lady had travelled. “Travelled to where?” He asked them and none of them could give him answers. 

He told me, “I suspected a foul play somewhere so I visited her family members one after the other pleading for them to tell me where she had gone to. Her father said she just disappeared. The only person she spoke to about her trip was her junior sister. I went to her junior sister and she also told me she only said she was travelling but she didn’t tell her where she was going.”

A week or so later, the mother of the lady went to his house and left their son there. She told him, “He’s your son too so if his mother is not around, you’re the one to take care of him and not us.” Their son was three years old. He sent the boy to his parents promising them he would get married soon and come for the child.

I didn’t ever think of dating a man who has a child but his story was different. From the way he talked, he really loved the girl and wanted to do everything to marry her. I asked him, “So if today, the lady appears out of nowhere and asks you for another chance, will you turn your back on her?” He answered, “It’s been three years. I’ve moved on. She changed her lines and block every chance that would bring us together. It only meant she had moved on so I also moved on. When she comes back, she won’t see the same man she left here three years ago.”

I said yes to his proposal and eighteen months later, we got married. His son came to live with us and both of us have been providing a conducive parental environment for him to thrive. 

Our marriage has been beautiful except that three years after marriage, we don’t have a child of our own. My husband understands that things like that can take time but I’m the one who is desperate to have a child. He got one just after three months of dating the lady. That record plays in my mind and makes me feel I’m doing badly about childbearing. 

He’s supportive of my plans when it comes to what I’m doing to speed up the chances of getting a child. We go to clinics together. We talk to specialists as a couple. When we come back home, he encourages me to take the drugs that were given to me. I married a helpful man, a man who understands what it takes to support a wife emotionally, psychologically and physically. 

Everything was going fine until one day he returned from work wearing a long face. I asked what the issue was and he said, “Benewaa is back.” I asked, “Who’s Benewaa?” He answered, “My son’s mother, You’ve forgotten she’s Benewaa? She called this afternoon that she wanted to see me. I warned her not to call my line again and cut the call.” While he was narrating the story, a call came through. He picked up the call and the voice from the other side was that of Benewaa. He put the call on a loudspeaker. She said, “I’m not trying to get back into your life. I know you’re married but there’s something I have for you. It’s a long story.” 

My husband answered, “What story? I’m not interested in any story from you. Where you went and why you went, I don’t want to know. What I want you to understand is that you and I have nothing to talk about so stop calling my phone.” While Benewaa spoke pleadingly, my husband spoke harshly to her as if he was talking to an enemy. Before the line went dead, Benewaa said, “What I want to tell you is about you. It’s something you can’t run from so you better see me so we talk.” 

I didn’t like the fact that she was in town and trying to reach out. We’ve raised the boy she left behind into a semi-man. This is not the time for her to come around and lay claim to things that are not hers. I didn’t want her around my husband either but I was itching to know what she had to say, what the story was about and why she was pushing to tell it. I told my husband, “Just go and listen. It could even serve as the closure you didn’t get.” He asked me, “Would you go with me?”

Two days later, I went with him to see Benewaa. Her mother was there. When they saw us, her mother said, “It’s better your wife stays out of this. You can tell her when you get home but she shouldn’t be here.” I didn’t fight them. I sat a distance away from them but I could see them from where I was sitting. In the middle of the conversation, they brought a girl. Immediately I saw the girl, I knew what the whole thing was about. I got up and walked away to where I won’t see them. I was crying. I was hurting. “How? What’s happening? Is it a dream? I want to wake up.”

My husband came to me to ask if I was OK. He saw me crying and he went mute. “She brought you a daughter?” He nodded. I said, “That’s alright. Hurry up and let’s go home.” On our way home, we sat silently next to each other. I couldn’t afford to cry because there were others in the taxi with us but when we got home I couldn’t hold it any longer. I didn’t want to marry a man with a kid but I unknowingly married a man with two kids. “How come? What happened? Why did she come at a time when we are struggling to have our own kids?”

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My husband felt I saw everything so he didn’t say much. “She ran away because she was pregnant again. She didn’t want to face her parents’ judgment and pressure from me to marry her. But I’ll confirm the paternity first before I accept responsibility.” 

As we speak, Benewaa is waiting in the shadows. Once the paternity is confirmed, my husband will have to go for the child and that would bring an unbreakable link between them. The boy calls me mom but he has been confused since his real mom was introduced to him. He was alone but from nowhere, a sister came and he has to bond with her. He goes to spend the weekend with them and he comes back with stories of how cool his sister is and how he can’t wait to live with her. 

I’m supposed to make a home with my husband but how do we plant a home with the seeds of the past? It’s not his fault but it’s not also my fault to feel the way I’m feeling. It’s not what I bargained for so how do I learn to live with this?

We’ve had extensive conversations about the whole thing and my husband promises me that everything would be alright but I feel it wouldn’t. It’s just a matter of time before the crack begins to show. Currently, he keeps to himself often. He picks up certain calls outside of the house, away from me. He texts at night and turns his phone’s screen away from me so I don’t see what he’s texting about. 

I’ve started thinking about divorce. I’ve tried so hard not to look that way but everything around me screams, “It’s not too late to start life afresh. You can begin again if you walk away. After all, there are no children between you two so why don’t you go before it’s too late?” 

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Regardless, I’m tempted to wait and see how things pan out with the kids and their mother around. I’ve seen the changes already but I’m encouraged to lie awake and see how it goes before I make a concrete decision. So I’m here, waiting and hoping that things go well. That nothing changes so I get to keep my marriage. 

-Lady Gina

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