I was in the bathroom when he called out, “Babe, you got a message.” “Who is it from?” I asked. He said it was someone he didn’t know. I finished my bath and my boyfriend handed the phone to me. The message was from my ex. I didn’t panic because I knew I had nothing to hide. Yes, he had been texting me but I didn’t encourage it. If anyone read through our chats they would see that the conversation was one-sided. He tells me he misses me and I respond with okay.

Some of the content of his messages was graphic. In hindsight, I should have deleted them. However, I knew I didn’t have those sexual feelings for him anymore so they didn’t move me. There was the possibility that someone would see them and misinterpret the fact it was one-sided. However, nobody went through my phone.

Kofi and I had been together for three years then. In the course of the relationship, we never went near each other’s phones. It wasn’t something we agreed on. It just wasn’t a part of our relationship. So I didn’t think he would. He must have gotten curious when he saw the text and decided to read the entire chat. I didn’t know this.

We were watching a movie when he asked me, “The person who sent you the text, who is he?” I answered, “He is someone I used to date when I was in school.” He didn’t say anything else so I thought we were done. I was engrossed in the movie when I heard him say, “Never do that thing again. It’s not right to be talking to your ex when you are in a relationship. I told him I was sorry. He said it was alright.

Kofi and I had a peaceful relationship ever since things became official between us. I was in my final year in school at the time. He was doing his national service but he took care of me as though he was working a job that paid him handsomely. Every time he visited, he brought me gifts. He would send me money to buy myself something nice. I never asked him for stuff. He was the one who enjoyed spoiling me.

Our families are aware of our relationship. My folks know how well he takes care of me, and they love him for that. Even when I completed school, and started my national service, his generosity did not end. When I got posted to another town to work, he bore all my moving costs. He was the one who paid for my rent as well.

I never questioned if I was the only woman in his life. We spent our time apart talking on the phone and texting in between. After work, we would still talk as if we didn’t speak at all during the day. What we had was good. He is not the kind of person to entertain friends. I also don’t have friends due to some past experiences. So he was my best friend. On some weekends, I would go home to see my family. Officially that’s what I say, but the knowledge that I would get to see him and spend time with him made the journey more exciting.

We always had fun when I went to see him. He always bought me gifts. He would always take me out on dates. Be it a quiet stroll under the night sky, a relaxing time at the beach, a nice dinner at a simple restaurant, or a crazy adventure we didn’t set out to embark on, I was happy to be wherever he was. He is a good man. So I do my best to make him happy.

We had never encountered any major issues in our relationship until that message with my ex came up. He seemed okay after I apologized so I was surprised when he got home and called to ask me more questions about the guy.

“When you told me about your past relationships, this guy didn’t come up. Why?”

“That’s because our relationship wasn’t anything to talk about. I don’t even consider him as someone I dated seriously.”

“Do you know that by encouraging communication with him, you were cheating on me? How would you feel if I also cheated on you?”

“Once again, I am sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt you. I have blocked the guy and deleted his number so he won’t be a problem again.”

He said he was too hurt to forgive me so we should break up. I was also hurt but I said okay. After he hung up, I called my mother and cried as I narrated what happened to her. She comforted me, “Wipe your tears. I am sure he just needs a minute to think. He will be back.” Before the call ended she advised me not to repeat what happened with my ex again, and I promised I wouldn’t.

A few days later, Kofi called me. He wasn’t happy that I said, “Okay,” when he asked that we break up. I asked him what else I could do to show that I was sorry. “The trust I have for you is broken. You will have to put in a lot of work until we rebuild it.” I agreed to do whatever it would take. That’s how we got back together.

That weekend I went home, and as usual he bought me gifts. Later, we went out and had fun. All was well. That was what I thought. Then I went back to work, only for Kofi to switch off on me. He used to call me every morning but he stopped. I would call him when I got to work and he would return the call when he got home from work. Our phone conversations no longer carried words. After exchanging pleasantries, he would go quiet. If I don’t bring up something to talk about, Kofi won’t either. We would listen to each other’s silence until I get uncomfortable and say goodnight.

He still bought me gifts, and paid my rent when it was due but he denied me his attention and affection. Our dates ceased. I was the one who always asked to see him before we arranged a visit. When I tried to address the unpleasant changes, he reminded me of the time I cheated on him with my ex. So I gave him space hoping he would come around.

The incident happened in August 2022. Kofi’s behaviour continued throughout the rest of the year. Even in 2023, he still behaved that way. I did everything in the books to fix what was broken. I gave him constant updates about my whereabouts, who I was with, and what I was doing with the person. I figured if I was as transparent as possible, he would understand that I have nothing to hide. It didn’t change him.

At one point, my mother called and apologized to him on my behalf. He gave me a glimpse of his old self only to start ignoring me after a few days. He said he was still healing. Two of my sisters also got involved. They went with me to his house. They made me kneel down to apologize. I wanted to prove that I was sorry so I did it. My sisters also went down on their knees and begged him to forgive me. This time around too, he only changed for a few days.

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I don’t know what to do anymore. He said his family would advise him to leave me if they find out so he hasn’t told them. He doesn’t have friends so I doubt he has discussed it with anyone at all. He has just been brooding over this issue all this while.

I don’t think anyone in this life has apologized for doing wrong the way I have apologized to Kofi. We are currently in 2024 but my man still behaves as if he found the text message yesterday. The emotional pain I continue to suffer because of his unrepentant attitude has become too heavy for me to bear.

I Didn’t Tell Anybody Because I Enjoyed It

I have decided that I will end my own punishment. On Wednesday, I will go home. When I get there I will seat him down and end the relationship. My sister says I am making a good choice. “If he hasn’t forgiven you by now then he will continue to use this against you even in marriage. So you will be saving yourself a lot of drama if you indeed leave him.” She is right.

I know what I need to do and I am going to do it but the thought of it is breaking my heart. He may be unforgiving but I know he is a good man. It hurts to lose him but from all indications, he is already gone. I have no choice but to cut myself loose and heal. I need you to lend me some of your strength. Send some words of encouragement as I embark on this journey.

—Jill

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