
He’s the one who broke up with her. He told me she cheated, and according to him, cheating was one thing he could never forgive, so he let her go. That was four months before I came into the picture. The wounds of his heartbreak were raw when I entered the frame. He always talked about how his ex did him dirty and took him for a ride. I had to treat his wounds—wounds I didn’t bring into existence.
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He said he loved me, but I was skeptical at first since he couldn’t stop talking about the pain. I asked for time, knowing that time would help him heal completely. He said, “I’m hurt doesn’t mean I’m not healed. There are times when you think about the past and you still feel the pain, but I’ve moved on.”
I believed him. His consistency in seeking me out and the way he made me a priority made me believe there was something to build with him, a man like him. So we started loving each other and making plans for tomorrow. We would meet every evening after work, have fun, and then go home. On weekends, I would be at his place or he would be at mine. Inseparable, I would say.
One evening, after a long break from talking about his ex, he brought up the conversation again. He looked happy talking about the fact that the guy he caught her cheating with had also cheated on her, so they’d broken up. He narrated the whole story with the glee of a child. I asked, “How did you know all that?” He answered, “She told me herself.”
“It means you guys are talking?” I asked.
He answered, “Yeah, we talked because of this. She was looking for someone to talk to, so she called me.”
I didn’t want to drag the issue, so I didn’t mention how surprising it was that he would be the one she called. I didn’t ask why, though I wanted to. Our love life was fun and fulfilling, so I didn’t want to introduce dissent at a time when everything was going well.
But he didn’t stop. Today, his ex this. Tomorrow, his ex that. He would talk about it happily and conclude that it was karma that had visited her so soon. But these days, he seemed soft toward his ex. He would be with me and still pick up a call from her, talking for several minutes. He would mention my name in the conversation, meaning the lady knows about me. He would hang up and tell me, “Adwoa extends her greetings.”
So I burst out one afternoon: “Why is she greeting me? Is she my friend? If you won’t stop talking to her, please don’t talk to her about me. I don’t know her!”
My anger was valid but was tinted with jealousy and… and… oh, what’s that word? That word we mostly throw at people who are insecure… Yes! Insecurity. He sensed the jealousy and insecurity in my anger and asked me to calm down because they were just friends. The first time he had ever used the word ‘friends’ to describe what existed between them.
“How can you be friends with an ex? Someone you said cheated on you and broke your heart? And why did the friendship start only when she had broken up with her boyfriend?”
He hasn’t been able to answer these questions, but he continues to tell me to relax because what they have is only friendship.
The lady doesn’t live in town. That’s the excuse he uses whenever I express my displeasure about their closeness, but it doesn’t take a ship and a submarine to travel to where she is.
I want to give him an ultimatum and see if that would work. I want to tell him to choose between me or his newfound affair with his ex. Do you think it’s a good idea?
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But my worry is also this: What if he chooses me and then goes secret with his ex? Should I be worried at all, looking at the circumstances surrounding everything? Or should I just walk away without a word so he can have all the time in the world with his ex?
—Antoinette
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Setting healthy boundaries is really important. Tell him to set some boundaries with her too. Anything concerning your relationship is none of her business. Don’t force his hand. She cheated on him as a lover so what makes you think she will make a better friend. She is a snake so she will definitely bite him. Focus and make communication transparent in the relationship.
They’re back together. Don’t wait for further evidence. Walk away before it’s late.