Before marriage, I knew we were going to have issues when it comes to money. I lowered that red flag because I thought it wasn’t going to be a big deal and you know, people change. One day we were in a taxi going to her house when I remembered midway that I’d left my wallet home. From where we were to my house was like ten minutes drive. I thought it wasn’t worth it so I told the driver to go ahead. In my mind, she was going to pay the fare when we got to her house. She asked me, “So how are we going to pay when we reach our destination?” I answered, “You mean you don’t have GHC10 to pay him? Don’t worry, I will pay back as soon as I get my wallet.” She answered, “No, I don’t have money. Not even a pesewa.” In the end, the driver had to go back for me to get my wallet. I ended up paying twice the fare.”

These things are common in a relationship. At some point, they correct themselves so I figured she would grow sense along the line and decide to help me on certain things. She wasn’t working. She was a pupil’s teacher when I met her. She had completed secretarial school and was waiting to get a job. It didn’t bother me because in life, no matter how long it takes, one will get a job along the line. I think it was because she wasn’t working that was why I couldn’t measure the level of her stinginess. She always used her unemployed situation as the reason why she didn’t have money and I understood her.

Before marriage, we had that conversation concerning how we were going to spend our money. She led the conversation; “You don’t have to worry. once I get a job, I will contribute whatever I have to the family to ensure we are balanced. I’m not a lazy woman. I will get a job and everything would be alright.” I trusted her. Plus I wasn’t expecting her to do so much, just be the help every man needs. Pay the bills when I couldn’t. When I’m not home and something has to be paid for, she doesn’t have to wait for me to come first. I mean those little things every average woman should be able to do.

We got married eight years ago and God being so good, just a year into our marriage, she had a job. Considering her certificate and qualification, it’s a good job. She’s paid an allowance and even overtime when there is a reason to do overtime. Before she got a job, I was paying for everything. I was even giving her money to fix her hair. After she got a job, I’m still the one paying for everything. Bills will come and pile up and this woman will wait for me to come and settle them. One day I told her, “I thought we had this conversation. That you’ll come in when needed. Why must you wait for me on everything? Her answer was, “How much is my salary that you want me to pay bills around here? Are you not the man in this house again?”

We have two kids, one is six years and the other one is three years. They are in school together and I pay for everything concerning their existence. When I travel and she takes them to school, she won’t pay their feeding fee until I get a call from their teachers to come and settle their feeding fee. We’ve had a fight about it. We’ve had a candid conversation about it and even drew up a plan where she would take over those little expenses. She paid for about a month and stopped. They are my kids and I’m the one the school calls when something goes wrong so I’m always forced to pay and I do it without complaint.

It got to a point where I told myself, “No matter what I do, this woman won’t help so let me carry my cross without looking around for Simon of Cyrene to help me carry it.” But no matter how you try to be the man, it gets to a point where life gets hard. I bought land and lost it due to the fact that I wasn’t able to develop it in time. So when I bought another land, I told my wife, “We need our own place of abode so we have to squeeze money from rock to start a project on this land. I will invest all my income into the building project but take care of the little things. I know you don’t earn much so I will try and help around with the little that would remain in my pocket after investing in the building.”

She agreed with me. The way she was happy about it, I thought I’d hit a home run with this one. Week after week I realized that the food in the house was declining in size and in quality. I questioned her, “What’s happening? Are things that expensive in the market?” She answered, “I buy according to what you give me as housekeeping money so don’t complain.” Even the way she said it was enough to get a pious monk angry. I said, “We had a plan. What happened to that plan?” She said a lot of things that didn’t make sense to me. It turned into an argument and later escalated into a heated argument. Her final words were, “Nobody has asked you to build a house when you don’t have the money to do it. Nobody eats a house so if you want more then give more.”

We know the truth but I don’t know why we continue to believe in a lie for so long until the lie begins to hurt us. It’s the expectation that kills us so I decided I’d had enough. “I will do it solo but when the right time comes, she’ll hear from me.” Since then, I’ve been handling everything all by myself. It breaks me sometimes but I do it. She’s happy that I don’t bother her. She’s happy she can spend her money on things she desires without any questions from me.

We visited my senior brother not long ago and when we were leaving, he gave each of my kids GHC200. He gave a certain amount to my wife too before we left his house. Immediately we sat in a car, my wife took the money from the kids. It was a Sunday evening so the next morning she came to me asking for money to pay the canteen fees for the kids. I asked her, “Where’s the money my brother gave to the kids?” Immediately after I asked that question, her demeanour changed. “You mean you wouldn’t have been able to pay the canteen fee if your brother didn’t give them the money? I’m keeping the money for them so give me money for their canteen.” 

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I’ve never been angrier in my life. I screamed, “Give me the money before I do something silly here. Were you not given your own money? So why are you keeping the money meant for the kids?” She shouted back, “Are their money your money? Were you the one who carried them in your stomach? Why do you always have to fight about money? Is it yours?” I rushed to get her purse and took everything out. That was when I realized my brother gave her GHc1000. It turned into a huge fight and I nearly threw my hand. Thank God I didn’t. The kids were there looking at us. 

Since that incident, I’ve advised myself. She’s not a woman to live forever with. One day if I fall sick, I’ll die and she won’t do anything to help. I’m leaving the marriage. 

I haven’t told her anything yet. We don’t have a good relationship now. I’ve already discussed the whole issue with my senior brother and he understands me. The question now is about the kids. She may win and keep the kids but looking at how stingy she is with money, I don’t think she’ll be a good mother to them. That’s my fear now and I’m also scared she’ll use the kids to get money from me all the time. If that happens then nothing has really changed. That’s my headache now. That’s what keeps me awake at the night. I’m 80% out of the marriage. There’s nothing here to take again but my kids. Is there anything else I can do? This is causing me a huge heartache and pain.      

—Charles

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