We met in school. Final year of the university. Smart, charming, lofty dreams – he had it all. He was the one teaching me accounting because I was very weak in that subject. He would sit me down in a class and tell me, “Assets are the items a company owns that can provide future economic benefit. Example, you’re my asset because in future you’ll be the Proverbs 31 wife. Full of benefits.”

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That was the proposal. Short and precise and straight to the point. When I asked what if I didn’t want to be his asset, he told me then he would become my liability. Something I owe that brings headaches. I said yes to him. For the first time in semester exams, I got 85% in accounting.

We celebrated love in its purest form when we were doing national service. We did it in the same town so we were like a married couple. We shared our little, planted what we had in abundance and made plans on how to harvest. I introduced him to my parents as the one. My dad was skeptical but my mom warned him not to kill our dreams with his skepticism.

We looked for jobs together. We shared our disappointments and what looked like hope together. I got a job few months after national service while he kept looking. I shared what I earned with him because love shares what’s in her hands. Not only that, I bought him gifts, I asked for future directions from him and he gave me. He was home after two years of national service.

He was giving up on himself but I encouraged him to try harder. One morning he told me he had received a call. I started rejoicing, dancing actually and singing, “The Lord has done it finally…” I asked him, “Which of the companies finally called?” He answered, “It’s a call from God. He wants me as a shepherd so I’ve answered aye, ready to serve the Lord.”

“You mean…”
“Yeah, exactly what I mean. I’m becoming a pastor.”

I knew where that influence was coming from. His head pastor because that man was always using him and taking advantage of his unemployed situation. He used him to clean the church, to play leadership role, run errands and later became his right-hand man. As if that wasn’t enough, he had been able to place a conference call between himself, my boyfriend and God so my boyfriend could hear God’s voice.

I didn’t fight it though I wasn’t happy about the turn of events. Maybe I was hopeful that one day he would find a job that would replace the pastoral dreams. I was wrong. My boyfriend bought forms and started attending pastoral school. As a loving girlfriend, I stuck to my supportive role. When he needed money, I sent it. When he needed carnal affection, I made a way.

A year later, he was out of school. I was there when he was ordained in the presence of the church. I was still hoping he would find a job and become that man his dreams painted to me. Right after ordination, he was sent away to start a church or grow the church in a very small community. He was also tasked to find his better half. He already had me so he started singing the marriage song.

I asked him, “Is it always going to be like that or you’ll find a job along the line and add to this your new call?”
“Isn’t this job enough?” he asked me. “Should I be going to the office from Monday to Friday before you see that I’m working?”

Maybe if he was paid a dignified amount, I wouldn’t be worried. For over three years after school, he was heavily reliant on me. In some particular times, I gave him more money than I earned. I didn’t want to be in a house where we both relied on what I earned. I’ve suffered as a child to continue suffering in adulthood. I told him I didn’t have a problem marrying him but at this stage I couldn’t say yes because I didn’t see the promise.

He asked me to pray and ask God to open my eyes and heart to understand his call. I’m hardening my heart against God’s call because of fear.

I’ve gone to the community to visit his church. The highest attendance I’ve recorded was twelve people. Seven old people and five children. So a week ago, we sat down to have a serious conversation. The kind of conversation that draws the curtains down on an argument. He told me, “Being a pastor is a lot of work already. I can’t add another. When we marry, we’ll rely on what the church gives. God has given you this good job to be able to support his work so you’ll play that role but trust me, this church will grow so big, we won’t need your money.”

When we were young, he said I was going to be his asset, the Proverbs 31 kind of woman. I never dreamt this was the kind of asset he was talking about. I know he also didn’t perceive this as the kind of asset he was talking about but at this juncture, I’m clear in my mind and soul that I can’t continue. I still love him. Since I’ve known him, I’ve never looked at another man twice. They come but I don’t entertain them. He has been the one until this time.

It breaks my heart that I have to leave a relationship because of this reason. Starting all over again scares me. I don’t know who I’m going to meet and how long it will take me to meet that person so I’m skeptical about leaving but deep down, I feel it’s the right thing to do.

He’s waiting for me to say yes to his marriage proposal. He’s so sure I’m going to say yes so he’s not even trying to persuade me. That’s also one of the reasons I’m not able to easily tell him what’s on my heart. He may break down and carry God in a heart that’s broken.

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Sometimes I feel I’m making the wrong decision, to let all these years go for nothing. What if his way is the right way for us? We’ll suffer today so we can gain tomorrow? I’m scared to be wrong and it’s the reason I’m sharing my story here. What would you do if you wore my shoes? I know you’ll polish it because it’s been through the dust for so long but will you wear it and stay in this relationship looking at where it’s going?

—Karen

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