I tend to scout dating apps in search of love. That’s how I met my ex-boyfriend. He was cool, sweet, and caring. He ticked all my boxes and I was interested in seeing how things would go between us. We did a lot of talking while I did a lot of daydreaming.

His thoughts would cross my mind and I would randomly smile and think, “God, I hope this guy becomes my boyfriend. He is everything I want in a man.” He was so perfect in my eyes. We had something, I knew that. But he wouldn’t put a label on it.

Every time I asked, “So what are we now? Are we an official couple?” He would tell me something vague about us getting to know each other. So I kept my options open. That’s how I met another man on another dating App.

This new guy is called Jeremy. I decided I liked him after we had talked for one month. He lives in a different region, but he came to our town for our first date. My experience meeting him in person was way better than the virtual experience.

While texts and phone conversations make up for physical presence, they don’t quite measure up to it. That day we even went on a trip. And he asked me to be his girlfriend. There was no need to drag anything. I already knew I wanted to be with him so I said yes.

After that, I let go of the guy who wouldn’t define our relationship. He never officially became my boyfriend but we shared enough for me to consider him an ex. It’s just that things didn’t end badly between us. It was an amicable breakup. Of which we agreed to be friends.

I like Jeremy a lot. Even though we’re in a long-distance relationship, he makes time for us to meet, and I truly appreciate that.

Recently, we met again. I started dozing off while we were watching a movie. So I gave my phone to him and slept. The next day he told me; “Babe, I read your messages. And I like everything I saw.” I was stunned.

First, I didn’t expect him to go through my phone. And I certainly didn’t expect him to tell me he did such a thing as though there was nothing wrong with it.

I also felt uncomfortable because my ex had texted me. I didn’t respond but I also didn’t like the fact that Jeremy could see it and misunderstand. So I went through my phone and deleted those messages. When I finished I asked him, “Which of my messages did you read?”

He asked for my phone. I handed it over. He then asked if I had deleted anything. I did but I denied it. He wouldn’t back down. “Who calls you Ama?” He asked. I mentioned my ex’s name. “Why did you delete your chats with him?” He questioned. I couldn’t lie but the truth would only make me look guilty so I told him; “Oh, he is just an old friend. There’s nothing going on between us.”

He didn’t seem pleased but after a long discussion, we resolved whatever conflict his snooping almost caused.

However, I told him; “We need to set some boundaries. It’s not right for you to go through my phone the way you did.” This guy disagreed with me. He insisted he hadn’t crossed any lines. He even added, “I am your boyfriend. I should always have access to your phone even if it means knowing your passwords.”

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When I told him I wasn’t comfortable with that. He simply said, “Time will tell,” and since then, he hasn’t texted me.

I don’t understand. Did I do anything wrong by wanting to protect the privacy of the conversations I have on my phone?

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What I know is that men act this possessive when they are financially responsible for a woman. But this is someone I don’t ask anything from. I see him as a young, hardworking guy trying to make it in life, so I don’t want to add my burdens to his. Also, I appreciate the fact that he takes care of all our expenses when he visits me in Accra.

However, I don’t think it gives him the right to go into my phone and look into my private conversations. Or am I wrong? His behavior makes me feel I am settling for less, considering sometimes I get broke and can’t ask him for money because I know I am not entitled to his financial assistance. Shouldn’t he also know his place and respect my privacy?

— Ama

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