We started the fight at his house that day. He said I was delaying him. I was standing by the mirror, checking myself out. He shouted at me to hurry up. I was doing my best. He had woken me up at 6 a.m., saying we had to be out of the house by 6:30. I had to make his bed, tidy the room, bathe, and get dressed, all within that short period. When he shouted at me, I told him not to shout because I wasn’t a child. And that’s how the fight started.

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He brought up a long history of things I had done and how I was always late. I responded in equal measure. When we got to my junction, he screamed at me, “Get out and let me leave!” I sat in the car, watching him. “Where are you rushing to that you’re treating me like an unwanted rug?” I asked.

He got out, opened the car door, and pulled me out of the seat. I nearly fell. I asked if he would come looking for me again. I asked if he was doing all that and still called me his girlfriend. That infuriated him even more, and he started getting hyper. Ben was standing nearby, watching the altercation. My boyfriend, Joshua, was loud. Ben asked what the problem was, and Joshua took the fight to him.

“Who are you? And who invited you into our conversation?”

Ben held my hand and suggested we leave. Joshua had a problem with Ben holding my hand. It turned into a new fight. Someone who said he was in a rush had the time to start a new argument, calling Ben a low-grade human being. When he drove away, Ben told me, “You have to be careful. The way that guy treated you, he’s very close to physically assaulting you.”

That advice came too late. Joshua had hit me several times in our relationship, but each time it happened, he came back with an apology. We had dated for two years, and I’d walked out of the relationship more than eleven times, but each time, he would return on good behavior. He would tell me he couldn’t live without me. I would consider his good side and the fact that I needed a man in my life, and I would forgive him.

So when Ben warned me to be careful, I told him, “He won’t get the chance to treat me this way ever again. It’s over between us.”

Ben’s house was about three houses away from mine. We greeted each other, and that was that. I didn’t have his number, but that day he gave it to me and walked me from the junction to my place before he left.

The next time Joshua came around, we resolved our issues like we always did. I forgave him, but he wouldn’t let what happened that day go. He asked me, “That guy who interfered in our issues, where do you know him from?” I told him he lived around. He asked, “Is he one of your boyfriends?”

Another argument ensued, and it didn’t end until he apologized and left. Ben had seen him leaving my place, so he teased me. He said he was sorry for getting involved. He made jokes about being the third person, but I assured him all was well. That was, until I called him late one night, begging him to come to my rescue. Joshua had come to my house and was at his most violent.

The fight was about another guy in my office he suspected I was cheating with. The guy called when Joshua was around. He screamed. He rushed at me and even pulled my hair. “Why is he calling you at this time if you two aren’t sleeping together? Haven’t you closed from work? What does he want?”

Before I could say a word, he had pulled my hair and was threatening hell and fire. It escalated when I asked him to leave my house. And then Ben showed up. It was like Ben had brought gasoline to a fire. Ben was quiet. Joshua called him a Superman who went around saving women because he wanted to sleep with them.

When Joshua left, Ben warned, “This guy is of no use in your life. If you don’t leave now, one day you’ll leave without your eyes or your upper lip. You might have to crawl out of the relationship because by then, he will have taken your legs away.”

I swore it was over, and he said, “Yes, you’re never going back to him, and I will ensure that. Or will you beat me to it and run back to him?”

He fought my fight to keep Joshua away. When Joshua came around to beg, Ben stood in his way. It turned into another fight between them. Ben said, “Just leave; she was not born for your abuse.”

Joshua screamed, trying to create a scene. I went into my room and left the two of them there. Ben overpowered him, but Joshua’s ego was bruised. When Joshua texted me, he wished me well, saying he knew I was dating Ben and that I was the reason Ben was coming between us. I responded, “Yes, we are dating. Just last night, I was in his bed. Goodbye.”

I had never had a man stand up for me the way Ben did, so I had no option but to support my own liberation. I have brothers, but when I dated one of their friends and he abused me, my brothers didn’t stand up for me. They chose their friend’s side because they didn’t want me to destroy their friendship. But Ben, a total stranger, saw my need for help and decided to help.

I swore it was over between me and Joshua, but he never stopped calling. He even came to my office to apologize. I still said no. He couldn’t come to my house because of Ben. Ben was always around, especially on weekends when he suspected Joshua might come to disturb the peace. He did the protection job so well I started looking at him differently. He looked like a man who could protect a woman and give her joy.

Whenever I was free, I went to his place. He would cook for us. He would tease me about Joshua. He would tell me I’d swallowed love pills for Joshua and couldn’t leave, but all that time, I was thinking about him (Ben) and dreaming of what a relationship between us would be like. A girl who needed a protector. A protector who needed a girl to protect.

I spent a night at his place under the pretext that Joshua might come to my place at dawn to molest me. He gave me his bed and slept on his sofa. I was convinced his duty towards me was pure, but I wanted a little bit of stained purity.

I used him to heal from Joshua, believing that we would one day end up together—me and Ben. But guess what? Everything he did for me was out of good intentions, not because he wanted to date me. When I started cooking for him and even cleaning for him, he said, “No wonder your men can’t leave. You do all that for them?”

The only thing I wasn’t ready to do was propose to him, but anytime I was with him, I felt a kind of peace I’d never felt around any man. It wasn’t a romantic relationship, which I wish it was, but he showed me the kind of man I deserved. He showed me there are men who don’t beat, shout, or seek to bring you down. Those kinds of men love quietly but are loud in the way they show it.

Through our friendship, I developed the sense to look for what is good—the kind of man like him. So if you asked me when I’ve felt loved, I will always point to the moments with Ben and everything he did for me. How he steered my heart away from the wreck called Joshua.

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Today, he calls me his sister. His girlfriend also calls me sweet in-law. We’ve formed a small, unofficial family with a bond that only seeks the welfare of each other. And when it was time for me to look for love, I went with a list. A man who provided safety and protection was a top priority, and I found that man. No fights, no suspicion, no shouting. Just quiet love that is leading to marriage very soon.
#MomentYouFeltLoved

—Lois

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